Something I read somewhere I guess. I would say finding out the truth, if that is the case here, and confronting her is against a lot of the stuff I have read and usually backfires. Since 90% of PA fail within 6 months, why attack on it?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
First of all, I'd like to see a source for that 90% statistic, but let's just assume it's true. The reason I'm so in favor of doing everything possible to bust an affair as QUICKLY as possible, is:
- for every month an affair continues, there is a greater chance of their emotional bond strengthening. For women, especially, it is this emotional bond that is the hardest to break, why is why long-term EAs are actually harder to break up than short-term PAs;
- for every month an affair continues, there is a greater toll on the emotional health of the betrayed spouse. For men, especially, this can be particularly emasculating and damaging;
- for every month an affair is allowed to continue, there is a greater financial drain on the family. Legal fees, gifts for the affair partner, PIs, new clothing, dinner/drinks out, etc., can add up, and I've seen cheating spouses drain bank accounts and max out credit cards overnight;
- the longer an affair continues, the greater the risk for STDs, to both the cheating spouse and her betrayed spouse if you continue to ML.
- when there are children involved, the longer an affair continues, the greater the chances are that they'll be exposed to it.
- the longer an affair continues, the more the betrayed spouse loses their love for their cheating partner.
- if the marriage DOES end up reconciling, then the longer the affair went on the greater remorse and guilt the cheating spouse will have to deal with later.
I guess you can tell, I'm just not a big believer in what I call the "Little Bo-Beep Approach." You know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them." It's also been my experience that many people who claim that they are not doing anything for some sort of strategic or tactical reasons, are really just afraid to confront their cheating spouse.
Page 215-216 in Divorce Remedy, on LRT with infidelity:
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The more you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
I understand what you are saying, but I am confidant that whatever might be going on with the OM, it is destined to be short term. She is Christian, he is Jewish. He is getting laid off soon and will no longer be working at the same company. He lives 45 miles away. She has little in common other than he being a sympathetic ear as a co-worker.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I agree with that quote. It doesn't say anything about setting boundaries, or about how long affairs last however. It just talks about once you've said your peace, don't keep hammering them with it, and I agree with that.
Quote:
I understand what you are saying, but I am confidant that whatever might be going on with the OM, it is destined to be short term. She is Christian, he is Jewish. He is getting laid off soon and will no longer be working at the same company. He lives 45 miles away. She has little in common other than he being a sympathetic ear as a co-worker.
OK then. But consider:
- my wife was 47, and her OM was 28;
- my wife is upper-middle-class, and her OM lived at home with his parents;
- my wife was always a pretty devoted Christian; OM was agnostic;
- my wife was always very particular about her appearance (to a fault); her OM was unattractive, had horrible acne, and drove around in a beat-up old pick-up truck with the side-view mirror broken off;
- he was becoming a cop soon, and would no longer be working at the same company;
- she had little in common with him other than being a sympathetic co-worker.
In fact, if you will study affairs, you would find that in MOST of them, the cheating spouse "trades down."
I think I have said my peace/piece (not sure which it is! and using your excellent words in this thread) and I will continue to set boundaries, such as the all night out thing. I think that is the way to go here and now for me.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Last night was again some reading to S, tickle fights, etc. I went to bed and she came too - weird. This morning, she was eating a banana and said "this is perfect, you have to try it" and proceeded to feed it to me like a kid!
These WAS sure do act goofy don't they?
Everyone have a positive day!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Today has gone by fast... it is empowering when you start getting your head on straight and thinking about what you can control, not trying to figure out what is going on in the head of a WAS.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
and using your excellent words in this thread) and I will continue to set boundaries, such as the all night out thing. I think that is the way to go here and now for me.