PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[Can it work]

Hi there PM,

First let me apologise for not being around much lately. Things have been a bit hectic on my week off work. It's not been quite as relaxing as I would have hoped!

I'm very sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time of it. It sounds as though you've really been put through the grinder. Try not to lose too much heart though. Life has a funny way of testing us to the point of breaking but I truly believe it makes us stronger people in the long run. You're a perfect example of that. I know myself from the time I've been in contact with you how far you've come as a person and in doing so you've become an inspiration to us all. Even when I started out on here you weren't nearly as strong as you are now. Yet you still give wonderful advice to all who come looking. You should feel no shame from needing a bit of help yourself every now and then. If you didn't you wouldn't need to be here.

I agree with what others have said in that you already knew what your IC told you. There was nothing new there. Yes, it's harder to hear it vocalised in such a way but really there should have been no surprises. If you still feel hope in your sitch, don't let your IC or anyone else tell you otherwise. Yes he knows both you and your H intimately but not as well as you know each other. I don't agree with your IC putting a time frame on how long it will take your H to get back to a caring attitude. Not unless he councils using a crystal ball. There are things which could change in the short term which could completely reverse the thoughts and feelings your H has at the moment. Obviously, the greatest of these is the OW. If something happened and they broke up tomorrow I can assure you that his outlook on life and your sitch will change dramatically. I'm not saying it will definitely change in your favour but it will most definitely change.

I wouldn't worry too much about the use of the word contempt either. I have contempt for my W for what she has done to my family but I also love her with every fibre of my being. I'm fairly sure that contempt is not the only feeling your H has for you. You need to ask yourself what makes him feel this contempt. I would bet that it's not so much you but the feelings you create in him. Namely the guilt and the failure to his children. Because of the fog he's in it's difficult for him to see that the main cause of the problem is him. He's convinced himself that you're not an option in his life and therefore you're making it difficult for him. A moment's clarity on his part may allow him to see that he brought about his own contempt. For that I would argue that the contempt he says he feels for you is, deep down, a hidden contempt for himself and what he has done and continues to do. He's rebelling against the changes he sees in you. It's difficult for him to see past what you had when you were together. It's much more difficult for us LBSs to project our changes on to our spouses than it is for us to make those changes in the first place. We move forward where they remain in the past. Most of us will agree that the past is not somewhere we want to dwell any more because it is a painful place. I for one would not like my M to be the same if I ever manage to reconcile with my W. I know in myself though that if I did get another chance at it, we could be much happier. My W however can't see that right now because she's dwelling in out of date feelings for the person I was. It's this realisation from them that requires the patience and hard work to bring about. What I believe in your sitch is that nothing is going to change as long as the OW is there. She is allowing him to live in the past because that's where he met her. He's not being given a chance to move forward on his own.

I think you should move forward with whatever makes you happy now and forget about him for the meantime. It doesn't have to be the end but I think you do need a new beginning. In writing terms, call it the next chapter. Accept your life now without your H in it. Leave that baggage behind and move on to a happier you. Nobody knows what the future will bring but once your H realises what he's lost it will give him that extra incentive to find it once again. Whether you're there for him or not is dependant on where your new beginning takes you. If it takes you back to your family, so be it. I would go to the ends of the earth to be with my son. I would hope that most men would be the same.

Don't write your H off just yet. On the same note though, don't waste any more of your life clinging on to hope. He'll know where to find you if he realises what a special woman he's lost. Let fate decide how it will go from there.

Be strong PM and be happy. Life is for living and it's for you. Embrace it in all its glory.

Kev X