WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

I know you're getting impatient, but you CAN'T. Remember this is how she felt ALL those YEARS while you were supposedly NEGLECTING her. I can't remember was she a SAHM? If so that can add to the RESENTMENT. She DOESN'T BELIEVE these changes are REAL. She like most WAW believe a tiger can't change his stripes. Which for many is true. That is why you NEED to use this time to work on YOU. And YOU are doing a good job of that. Keep on making TIME for YOU. Hang out with old friends. Take up some new hobbies. The more new things you do the more she will BELIEVE that these changes are real. If your changes are only RELATED to HER then she will not. Forget about the lunches for now. She's not ready. She would just be appeasing you. She is seeing what she needs to see when she is around you and the boys.

Yoy have to stay PATIENT and give her TIME and SPACE. I see cracks in her wall. But it takes time. A drop in the bucket of your lives together so quit focusing on the day to day stuff. Look at what your doing as an investment. Building the "pipeline". You're in business you know what im talking about. Think Ray Kroc and only getting a .05 for every burger at first. Keep on planting the seeds of doubt. You're making up for LOST TIME.

Like Michelle says in her book. You're goal is not to convince her to come back. It's about planting a seed of doubt in her mind that she might be making a mistake in leaving. You are doing that my friend. Keep it up. I think she is getting close to opening that door again.

PMA

PMA_Baby!

Thanks for the encouragement.

She does work full time, actually does very well at a major pharmacetical company. That's the irony in it - we have everything going for us to make it as we never argued about the typical financial stuff that most couples fight about. I think the big part of the problem was that she realized between both our jobs and the kids, we weren't making times for us, to maintain our relationship/connection. I know she tried to tell me in her way, but I didn't get it then. I do now.

I know she has felt neglected for a while (at least 3 years, but she claims since late 2000/early 2001). I know this pain runs deep for her and she inherently has a problem letting go of hurt (she is still mad at her sister from something from sophmore year in HS). I know she has doubts that my changes are real.

I know I'm not perfect and will never be. That's one of the things she had brought up in counseling about 4 of weeks before she moved out. She said that she knows that I will try my best, but if I slip up once, she will be worried that it will just unleash a floodgate of the hurt from the past that it will be devasting to her.

I hope that you are right that cracks are appearing in her wall. I just hope that she doesn't fill them faster than I can knock cracks into her wall - or worse that she finds someone else to help fill them with her.

Lunch is a moot point right now as she is taking my 7 year old to get his fractured wrist taken care of at 1:30. I will just wait for another opportunity. Problem with just letting her see what she sees when she's around me and the boys is that it's hard for me to really spend time or give her my attention when the boys are around. My 7 year old is a mamma's boy so he's constantly trying to be the focus of her attention and my 3 year old is a daddy's boy so he constantly is trying to get my attention. So she still feels that she doesn't have my full attention or my top priority.

I am using the time when I don't have the boys for me. I go to church, signed up for a small group at church, go to the gym, try to go out with my friends as well as getting myself going on my old interests (cars and home improvement/construction) again.

I am trying to be patient, I just wanted to plant a seed of concern that I am getting impatient. Not sure if that was a good idea, but I will not wait beyond the time limit of the divorce (24 months from filing).

That's a good point about the goal isn't to convince her to come back, but to plant a seed of doubt. Problem is that, even as she was moving out, she felt she didn't have a good choice - staying in the marriage and being unhappy vs. moving out. She said neither one was a good choice for her. Guess she felt that moving out was still better than staying in the marriage and being unhappy. I know that she doesn't see the third option of staying in the marriage and being happy. That's what I want to get her thinking/curious about.

Unfortunately, I think that my 7 year old's injury will be another distraction for her so she won't be focusing on trying to let go or her own issues. I will be patient, for now. Either way, I will always continue to work on me for me as well as for my boys.

Thanks again.