d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

H's b-day is coming this saturday. We never used to do anything for each other because of the money. Do you think a good 180 would be to get him a b-day cake and maybe a shirt? Maybe says Happy B-day Daddy on the cake (of course from D-4). It's my weekend with d4 so I'm not sure if we will even see him. If he doesn't show up then d4 and I will make our own party. H told me a month ago that he was going out of town for his b-day/memorial day weekend, but now as of last night he said he was going to stay in town and work on his brothers house.

His "friend" must be to busy herself. I don't think he has been at the strip club to see her in a long time. Unless he's taking cash there, because before he was writing anywhere from 2-400 checks a week at the club. I told him awhile back that she is a professional and is only using him to get money from him. (he really doesn't have much) He maxed his credit card on her (at least my name isn't on it) and of course bought her 2008 chev impala. He told me that she pays him for it every month. Yea, yea. Boy was he shocked when I told him this past sunday that she does have a older man that takes care of her plus other clients. I have it been told to me that more than likely the vehicle he bought and is titled and licensed in his name is being used now as a drug car. I kept my lawyer informed on all of this, just in case someone tries coming back on me for some debt or legal trouble.

Lately he's been at our house, hanging out & sleeping on the couch. A few months back he'd drop d4 off at home and he'd be dressed up and showered and always in a hurry to leave. Now I can't seem to get him to leave (I don't want him to) I'd like to talk to him more about d-day and trying to save our marriage but I was always the one that talked about our relationship (when he was living there) Oh yea, I was the one that used to beg him to "talk" to me. If I talked about our R now, it would be like the good ol' days and he'd be ticked off. Maybe?? or do you think I should say something.

Maybe I should just take a deep breath. Out of curiosity, could he stop the divorce the day of it?? I guess that's my dream, not his.

[Grace_O]

Maybe I should just take a deep breath. Out of curiosity, could he stop the divorce the day of it?? I guess that's my dream, not his.

Yes. Take alot of deep breaths. Could he? As far as I know, yes. Don't torture yourself with it though.

If he's coming and hanging out, I see that as a good thing to some extent. If you're not sure if he's flirting, ask. Just text something like "are you flirting with me? ;)"

I know all the spinning that's going on in your head. it's really hard to get a handle on that, or at least it was for me.

Try not to think about his "friend" and it really won't do you any good to tell him anything you know or hear about her. He'll either figure it out for himsoelf or not.

I like the dog idea. I have one (I'm a townie though) and he is an angel.

As far as his b-day goes. By all means get him something from D4 and you could even let her "decorate" a cake for him. As far as you go, the most I would do is a simple card (NO mushy) and maybe a b-day hug. That's just my opinion though.

If you can avoid R talk, I would. It's been over a year and a half since I've gone there with my H and only just did the other day b/c of the sitch.

I'll write again later. I'm at work right now.

Hang in there.

HUGS

[misshim]

Grace,

Thanks again for everything. All the questions I have are driving me insane. I try to read alot of other people's situations but I get more panicked, I guess b/c of my short time left before d-day. With me always wanting to be the fixer it is frustrating. Deep breath ---

I'm going to look forward to my D-4 decorating dad's cake. If H doesn't come to see D4 (because it's my weekend) I think maybe we'll eat it. But, knowing me I'd feel guilty and would probably take the cake to his parents house and tell them to give it to him if/when he arrives.

Take care of yourself today, I know I'm at work also. Maybe after the worst day happens d-day I can get back to my real job. Actually my boss (brother & sister in law are very understanding) I have to teach myself to quit looking at my cell phone for text messages from him.

Grace, you seem so strong - I hope you are doing well !

[Grace_O]

The panic will eventually settle down (believe it or not). It's the over analyzing that can make you insane too. "What does that mean?" "What's he thinking?" you know exactly what I'm talking about. It does get better. It's still the suckiest (is that really a word?) thing I've ever done.

It's good that your brother and sister-in-law understand. it takes alot out of you and if you have to be "worried" at work, well that's just something else you don't need on your plate right now.

Reading other people's sitch's can give you hope or panic you depending on what you read into it. Remember though that everyone is different and we all just do the best we can. Just as you're doing in your sitch.
I know you're still looking for the "right" thing to do that will fix it and make him "see" what he's doing and what he's loosing. There is no one "right" thing. Look after yourself and your D4, do it with style and be the best expression of you that you're capable of. When you know better, you'll do better. don't strive for perfection, strive for grace.

HUGS

[misshim]

You will be in my prayers Grace. I've learned alot about the Lord since all of this and I am amazed how he does hear us. The Lord will take care of this, no matter what the outcome. I believe that the Lord has brought me to DB for the guidance of others.

I have said this before on the posts and in my prayers. I might have lost my husband but I've gained a Father.

Thank You, God Bless and have a great rest of your day.

[Grace_O]

Thank you.

How are you holding up today?

[misshim]

Well I'm hanging in there. I picked up D4 from daycare yesterday and we went for a walk and fed cows and kittens. Spring of the year, lots of kittens !!! My little one just loves them. Some we have to bottle feed, which is time consuming but they are babies and my heart melts for them.

Never heard from H the whole day (yesterday) Funny he used to even "check" on us when it wasn't his day with D4 or he'd want to put her to bed. Who knows, maybe when I gave him a reality check on Sunday how his divorce will change everything, maybe it finally sunk in and he's running away again.

I saw his close friend when I dropped off D-4 at daycare this am. He asked how I was doing! I said I'm learning to adjust. We are extremely rural, everyone knows everyone else in our town. He told me he can't believe it and is shocked, he said even the town is shocked about all of this. He told me he hasn't seen him since January, (and they were very close !!) My H is slowly pulling away from even his closest friends. I guess the one thing he said to me really hit home. He said he knows him well and that he will come to regret this decision.

I know he will regret it too, but by then it might be too late. I didn't say that to him, but I really did think it !!

That's what hurts the most. I remember being hesitant on dating and then marrying a younger man. But he was my everything, we had hopes and dreams. Wow, what a slap in the face. I will be ok I just hope I will learn to trust someone again.

What's new with you today??

[Grace_O]

One thing I like about "town" is that things are a bit more anonymous, but I'm a bit more private about some things.

Sometimes I think part of the problem is that we forget how to "dream" together. We get caught up in the minutia of daily life and schedules etc. With kids, there's always something that comes up.

I know what you mean about trusting, but I think that close relationships (of any kind) are always worth the risk. Sure, we will get hurt and hurt back, but IMO they are the meaning of life. I have nothing to offer anyone in this life but myself and my love.

Nothing much new with me. I'm still working on costumes for an event I'm taking D16 to. That and working, well, kinda.

[misshim]

H dropped off D4 last night, he went to garage and got a lawn chair to sit out on the porch. He told me he had to "catch some rays" to get his body tan. Then he told me he'll never find anyone because he's fat and gray (alittle). He told me he wants to dye his hair. Here we go again!!! He goes from cutting himself down to saying he's great. It's driving me crazy. Or he keeps telling how much his body hurts and he's like an old man. (he'll be 37 on saturday)

I know I need to detach from him. The hardest thing to do. He helped put d4 to bed and within 5 minutes he was sleeping in the chair. I know it was wrong but I came up behind him in the recliner and massaged his temples (he was snoring) and gently ran my fingers through his "graying" hair (that i love). He stirred but kept snoring. I know I should have woke him and told him to leave but I couldn't. I even kissed his forehead and ear. But I also had tears rolling down my face and they dripped on him. (I wasn't crying outloud, just tears) Once that happened he woke up slightly. I apologized and said it must have been my sinus drip!! (How stupid I can't believe I said that) I don't think he believed me either.

I almost felt that I was somehow saying goodbye to him because I know the divorce will be here shortly.

Now today at work, I'm really depressed. I know I have to let him go. I'm almost convinced that he still cares for me alot because of the things he says but he just doesn't want the responsibility of it all. What a shame.

[fisherman]

Then he told me he'll never find anyone because he's fat and gray (alittle). He told me he wants to dye his hair. Here we go again!!! He goes from cutting himself down to saying he's great. It's driving me crazy. Or he keeps telling how much his body hurts and he's like an old man. (he'll be 37 on saturday)

Signs of Depression, it's what driving him to be this way.

Now today at work, I'm really depressed. I know I have to let him go. I'm almost convinced that he still cares for me alot because of the things he says but he just doesn't want the responsibility of it all. What a shame.

It is extremely tough, but you HAVE to dig deep and distance yourself from this. He does still care, but where he is right now he CAN'T be there for you. My divorce has just recently been finalized, I thought it was over.....nope. Just a bit different, but not over. He hasn't really had the chance to see for himself what he is missing. He has to experience this. Words will not do it.

You have to focus on you and your D. It has got to be about you two right now.

Far from over.