d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

H dropped off D4 last night, he went to garage and got a lawn chair to sit out on the porch. He told me he had to "catch some rays" to get his body tan. Then he told me he'll never find anyone because he's fat and gray (alittle). He told me he wants to dye his hair. Here we go again!!! He goes from cutting himself down to saying he's great. It's driving me crazy. Or he keeps telling how much his body hurts and he's like an old man. (he'll be 37 on saturday)

I know I need to detach from him. The hardest thing to do. He helped put d4 to bed and within 5 minutes he was sleeping in the chair. I know it was wrong but I came up behind him in the recliner and massaged his temples (he was snoring) and gently ran my fingers through his "graying" hair (that i love). He stirred but kept snoring. I know I should have woke him and told him to leave but I couldn't. I even kissed his forehead and ear. But I also had tears rolling down my face and they dripped on him. (I wasn't crying outloud, just tears) Once that happened he woke up slightly. I apologized and said it must have been my sinus drip!! (How stupid I can't believe I said that) I don't think he believed me either.

I almost felt that I was somehow saying goodbye to him because I know the divorce will be here shortly.

Now today at work, I'm really depressed. I know I have to let him go. I'm almost convinced that he still cares for me alot because of the things he says but he just doesn't want the responsibility of it all. What a shame.