Your relative L may be fine to see but I've known too many women who think a "joint" session w/ L will Show the light to the WAS and it does not. Plus YOU said the L was not a fan of women and that got me wondering what's in it for you. PLUS the mediation thing...yeah I think most couples at SOME point ought to talk with one to save TIME, Hassle and money but ALWAYS after you already know your rights. I'd get that from a L.
As for the things banned in the EU and cancer, etc....not to digress too much on that tangent but I just got back from 3 weeks in Europe and for all their groovy enlightenment, or claims thereto, I faced more 2nd hand smoke IN PUBLIC there then I have probably ever in my life. We were coughing and we were outside in Venice and Bonn and Budapest. They ALL seem to smoke!! Forget about indoors, I mean we all had to wash our hair, etc. but OUTDOORS TOO!! (Oh and they say the "n" word referring to blacks--I'd say "African Americans" but we were not in America...) and several racist remarks too. Weird combination of attributes b/c I love the laid back lifestyle and recycling, etc....but there is a definite ugly side there too. Our D20's play was a Tony Kushner play and someone during intermission asked about why there were so many gays in the play (only he didn't use the word "gays"...and missed the entire point of the play...oh well)
Point about bad things happening is I see you fretting and worrying and I wonder if that's a control/childhood thing. To cope with the chaos of your childhood and yes I know it kills you to realize it has been recreated in your children's. But you can stop that and turn that part around.
Your h is not sending as many mixed signals as you think, sorry to say. He doesnot want the KIDS to know about divorce, b/c he's afraid of looking like the bad guy. But he tells the outside world you're done and treats you like it. That is what it is, even if he is still attracted to you. I did not have a h telling others we were done and I do worry for your health and all b/c of the STD's and whatever he's really doing. He wants and thinks he has YOUR permission to be with OW so I guess, as terrible as it sounds, you may need to accept that he wanted that for a reason.
Yes I do think once you are separated, what's the point of snooping? I don't think you can call THAT cheating, now that's he "out" about it. BUT you can sure factor it in as to whether you see efforts to reconcile from him and honey, dating OW is not much of an effort at reconciling.
You feel guilt about him feeling a conscience, or your assumption that he does. You probably need to stop that. You have no idea what he really feels and besides, it is ONLY his actions that matter and right now, there are none.
The real question for now, among the many, is whether you are hurting yourself financially by staying with him. Don't associate taking protective steps for you and the kids with closing a door on him. They are not the same but even if they were, they'd be the mature thing to do. But i doubt seriously that he'll resent you nearly as much as you fear b/c you want to protect the kids when he knows he's been like Willy Loman.
And if he does resent you, what will he do? Leave you? Oh wait, he already has!!
Well, try to get some sleep. For me, periodic meds helped as I got too uptight at night and yet had to function in the day and that was a bad combination for real life for me. I really needed to be there for the kids or they'd lose both parents.
Getting a job that pays you will relieve a lot of your stress and is something YOU can affect so yes, put some energy there. And try to imagine something halfway fun or alright in your future or even GOOD, without h in it. Start with chick flicks if you want. Go see Maria Bamford do some stand up comedy (she's clean and hilarious and in LA often) or something FUN. Be kind to yourself.
And for now, try to go a day without letting his mood/words/feelings or HIM at all, affect you or your mood. Remember what I said about being the author of your own life's book? Don't let him write anymore of it.
Sleep well, or just sleep...
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes I do think once you are separated, what's the point of snooping? I don't think you can call THAT cheating, now that's he "out" about it. BUT you can sure factor it in as to whether you see efforts to reconcile from him and honey, dating OW is not much of an effort at reconciling.
I'm confused...I don't know if there is OW, but, it seems likely. Do you mean there is no point in me snooping (because I don't bother)?
I hear you on the EU thing...
As for us being "done," is he really with all of the contacting and hanging around. Or perhaps he is a true narcissist and is just using me to pump him up...
I wish I had money for therapy. I don't know if you've ever read about narcissists but it sure sounds like H and would explain my participation as I am apparently the type who goes for such men and the cycle of me pulling away and him freaking out and wanting back in fits. But anyway, maybe WAS are often narcissists, who knows?
I'm spent. That fear thing is making more sense to me. Rattles me at my core. I can't analyze anymore. I'm exhausted.
Thanks for your help. I will try to start with a fresh outlook tomorrow. I want to run for the hills, I feel so enmeshed with H emotionally, financially and physically. That is why it feels like tearing apart...I should stop now. I just go round and round.
Quite apart from the challenges of Distance Psychoanalysis, I think it's safe to say that WAS are narcissistic.
But then they'd have to be, wouldn't they?
My way of coping has been to say, "Sauce for the goose; sauce for the gander. It's time for me to be a bit narcissistic, too." (But I didn't come up with that on my own -- I owe @pollyanna for that one.)
He just emailed me to pay his car payment and all of the pleasantries are gone because he is getting his ego fed so heartily. I want to say "wives pay bills for their husbands, not measly pieces of cr*p that have been left behind and are not even worth a hello."
F*cking emotional vampire, he is...too bad I have no job and no $$ right now, makes it a tad harder to detach but I'm working on it.
Perhaps angry is a step up from depressed. Not sure.
Oh, and I meant clinical narcissism with the obsession with fame and delusions of grandeur and the name-dropping and the lying about me to make himself look better. Tricky fella.
Where does my fear come from? That if I cut him off, he will cut me off and sabotage my efforts to find employment and happiness. He knows everybody and I'm a frickin' homemaker and yes my biz would depend on me making connections and getting some publicity. Gross, I know, with "friends" like this, who needs enemies...I'm afraid of not just being alone but being antagonized and slandered (couldn't find a better word). And of course, my "love" for him makes it all the more intimidating to be positioned as his enemy...but we're getting there.
Yeah, I am ANGRY today...and it feels a whole lot better than depressed. My mantra for today is "YOU ARE THE ONE LOSING A-HOLE!!!!!" And it is not hard to convince myself of because it is true. He is losing (he being BOTH our men) a loving wife and beautiful kids...a family. I am losing an idiot. A self-serving, narcissit fool. Seriously. I have to believe it is only a matter of time before that hits him HARD. That the grrener pastures are going to turn brown over time an that when that happens, my green growth will surpass my delusions of love where he is concerned. I will nurture me...and I will be the lucky one. Unbelievable. Did I mention coward???? Who doesn't give 100% when it comes to the risk of losing such prescious relationships with those who love you??? IT helps to think this way...it's real.
Yep, you've got to hold on tight to this feeling and take the actions that match it. When my H saw me in that space, it unnerved him and I caved. What actions match that reality? I am struggling with that...obviously. And, clearly as obnoxious and misguided my Hs glamorous pursuits are, I am feeling a bit like donkey doo in comparison...actions, I need actions. Good stuff you are tapping into.
For me, since I am so down and insecure and dependent right now, I need to think what would that woman do, the woman who only a fool would leave? I need to stop stooping and living within the paradigm that is working for him and find one that works for me. Tall order, lots to figure out. Starting with paying some bills as he managed to get some money in the bank account.
Get a job that eases your financial stress and DO NOT go into how terrible that is for the kids. Cannot be helped right now and is NOT as bad as you make it out to be. Tons and tons of good kids are being raised by working single moms all over the WORLD and though it sucks, it happens. You'll be setting an example of empowerment rather than helplessness which is your alternative.
Find SOMETHING different for a living that does NOT depend on him - as I cannot help but feel you are finding more and more excuses for him being at fault or you being stuck..."I would get a job, but then H will say or do"...blah blah blah or "I would work there but I'll need child care and then H won't help or..." blah blah blah or "I'd be successful except H will stop me b/c H HAS ALL THE POWER IN MY LIFE..." Take the power back.
And just stop thinking that your H has it all. You must Change You. You have to.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
