A new thread, a new outlook.....

[Can it work]

That's a nice idea J but I don't have anything in the house to cook at the moment and I'm working all day so will be unable to get shopping. It may be a plan for another time though.

Still, knowing my W when she's ill, she'll probably be eating comfort food all day and won't be looking for a meal at all in the evening. Thanks for the idea though.

Kev

[TulsaTime]

Kev,

I've been following your post today. This is my very first post actually and I am new but I've been reading posts here for a few weeks. I wanted to respond to the indifference thing. IMO, you could probably make her very angry quite easily by responding in a nasty way or by over pursuing. My point is, don't read too much into the indifference right now. You will always have a connection with your wife in some way, so be patient. That's what I tell myself anyway.

[Can it work]

Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread Tulsa. Even more so since it's your first ever post.

I'm very weary of making it seem as though I'm over pursuing and try to keep myself in check as much as possible. It can be tempting to jump in with both feet when you feel you're getting no feedback from your spouse. Over the months this has been going on I feel as though I'm at a point where I've reached a happy medium.

As for responding to her in a nasty way, that's never been in my nature nor is it likely to be. I fully respect her decision to leave me even though I don't agree with it. It wasn't an easy choice for her to make.

I've been quiet these last few days because my W and Wee Man have been away to visit her brother over the weekend. they only got back yesterday. I went down to bath Wee Man last night because I'd missed him like crazy. At first my W was a bit monosyllabic as per usual but by the time I left we were talking away quite comfortably. At no point would I say she seemed happy though and I never once saw her smile while I was there. I try not to read too much in to these encounters now though.

I've been asking my W recently for the dates of her family's birthdays. They all got me cards and presents for my birthday and I feel I'm still close enough to them to be able to get them something in return. She seems reluctant to give me the dates though and I can't work out why. Is she trying to reduce the contact I have with her family? If she doesn't give me them I'll just go elsewhere to get them. I just didn't see it as such a big issue that she'd want to try and prevent me getting them though. I think I'll make up a list of the people whose birthdays I want the dates for and take it to her when I pick up Wee Man tomorrow night. I'm sure it won't take more than 5 minutes to write them down.

Anyway, I'm quite busy at work now so I'd best get on.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev,

So she seems to think her family is her property and that you have no right to them. Maybe she thinks it's pursuing? I am not sure.

You are right, you have every right to pursue your own relationships with people who are kind enough to give you Bday presents. So I wouldn't worry too much about what she thinks on this matter.

However, this was a sign that she is still not welcoming any sort of reaching out from you. She MAY see it as intrusive so I would quit anything that could be perceived as pursuing for a little while longer. I know you didn't do it on purpose but you need to heed the sign.

Good to know you are keeping busy with work. I am so glad that Weeman is little and is not suffering from this separation.

[Can it work]

Hey PM

Thanks for your post. I sorted the problem with the birthdays yesterday when my W came to pick up Wee Man. While she was here I grabbed a pen and stood poised over the calendar and asked her for each of the dates as they came to me. She had no other option than to give me them. Frankly, it's not pursuing behaviour regardless of how she sees it. If however she does see it as pursuing that's her problem and she'll just have to get over it. This isn't about her and me at all. Her family are really good to me and I'm not going to lose contact with them or forget their birthdays just because she's acting like a petulant child.

I had a great weekend with Wee Man again and we had a lot of fun. The weather wasn't great so we didn't get out to do much but had fun playing around the house. That's him nearly 20 months now. I can hardly believe how quickly the time has been passing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about a thread Mark and Gucci Loafer have been contributing to regarding the use of jealousy as a DBing tool. I'm not comfortable with finding anyone else yet and I don't think I am going to be for some time to come. I do see a way to give the false impression of moving on though and I think it may help my sitch. I've taken the week off this week to do some spring cleaning and have decided I'm going to take down all my wedding photos I have around the house. I don't want to really but I'm also really concious of the fact that every time my W is here she sees the photos and that's bound to be a sign that I still haven't let go.

There's been a rumour going around lately that I'm involved with one of my female friends. My friend and I both think it's quite funny. There's no truth in it at all but it could be an opportunity for my W to think that I'm not going to wait forever. If I take the photos down it should even reinforce that thought with her. I realise that it could backfire but I also think it may help. At this stage, it's risk I'm willing to take. The other thing is that it might help me detach a bit more. It's not healthy for me to keep a picture of my W at the side of my bed to see before I go to bed every night. I have my own life now and aside from the whole separation thing I'm fairly happy with how it's going. Life is too short to stay stuck in limbo.

I did have a low moment last night because my W's first cousin gave birth to a wee girl yesterday. I felt low because I know that her whole family is going to be celebrating the birth a lot and I'm not going to be included. 6 months ago I would've been one of the first people to be invited to the celebrations. We were very close to her cousin and her husband. I'm still on very good terms with them but not part of the family circle any more. I know it's inevetible but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I am going to go get a card and a present for them today though. That's the least I can do. I'll probably visit them soon too when the immediate family bit has died down slightly.

So, to summarise, I think I've gotten to a point in my mind where I am able to detach a bit more. I'm not ready to move on with anyone else but think I really am ready to move on as an individual. I know I really have to let go if there's any chance of having a future with my W. As we all know, this is very counter intuitive but I also think it's necessary. Fingers crossed this next move doesn't backfire on me!

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Good luck Kev. I hope for all your sakes that it works.

It's really fantastic that you can detach a little. Just be warned though, you are about to stir things up a bit so you won't be in this comfortable zone. But that's OK, you don't want to be comfortable anyway, right? You want to mix things and see where it leads. I totally understand. Good luck, really! I hope she reconsiders and sees that she's been an idiot to let you go and let another woman have you :-)

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev, I forgot your lesson already. I had a bad talk with H last night and I am regretting it and losing sleep. I made him feel guilty. So now I have set myself back for months. I feel like such a loser.

[markhaving probs]

Hi Kev,

I hope you and the Weeman are well.

I have just been catching up on your situation and I agree with you about getting the birthday dates of your in-laws. You are lucky to have such supportive PIL, as mine have not contacted me at all since December '08. I have been in their company since, but they have never offered any support, help or even offered a condolence about our marriage.

If you look at my 'dropping the rope' thread since you last looked at it there has been some develpoments in regard to the jealousy strategy.

when my wife came over to pick the children up on Sunday I wrote a phone number down with the letter 'J' above it. I put it on the coffee table by the childrens bags so that she would see it. When she left I switched off my mobile and within 15 minutes the landline number rang which I ignored, then I quickly turned on my mobile and there was one voicemail and one text message. The reason she rang was because I had forgotten to give her some money I owed, but the first thing she said on the voicemail was..."You couldn't wait to get out of the house quick enough". She went on about it and thinks I have now got a
girlfriend!!

She rang again at 8.00pm Sunday night which I ignored. she rang again 7.50am Monday morning to talk about the money and also to mention about this girlfriend thing. I did not confirm or deny her statement. The conversation ended reasonably civil.

She then rang AGAIN at 11'ish on Monday to ask me to help her purchase a tramploine for the children and asked me to help her erect it. This is the first time she has asked to assist her in anything, is it coincidence? Check to see what pearlhbr said om my sitch.

Kev, gucci swears by this and Puppy and Pearlhbr also think this can be a good strategy. The thing here is I have not lied to her, though if she asked me outright I would tell her so I am not being deceitful. If for some reason your wife believes you have a girlfriend play on it a bit, see what reaction you get. She may see you really are moving on and it might get her thinking. Check my sitch out and see the posts from Pearl and Kara for things to do.

It may not make a blind bit of difference to my situation, but I am continuing to be the best father I can while trying to DR to the best of my ability. I am just sprinkling another ingredient to my imaginary pie to see what works.

All the best Kev,

Mark

[Can it work]

Hey folks,

Just popped on for a quick update. I've been flat out busy doing my spring cleaning around the house so haven't had time to get on here as much as I'd have liked over the last few days.

Well, I've taken down all my wedding photos and replaced them with pictures of Wee Man. I must admit that it's a horrible feeling taking down the wedding pictures. It feels like I'm giving up even though I know that I'm not. Hopefully my W will come past sometime soon and notice. Then I hope she actually cares. That's the big test. I'm fairly sure she won't say anything but it's something I believe might help her thing I've detached. The one thing I'm not looking forward to with it though is my IL's seeing that I've taken them down. They still have our wedding photos on display in their house which tells me that they're still supportive of our M. I don't dare tell them the reason I've taken them down but I think it may also make them think that I've moved on. Still, that in itself may help matters a bit. Fingers crossed anyway.

My W's uncle came past for a quick visit and a beer the other night. It's his daughter who just had the wee girl. I said nothing about my M but he brought up that he doesn't think I should completely close the door on that chapter of my life yet. It was good to hear. He also joked that he'd also heard rumours that I was seeing someone else. I told him that I wasn't and that I found the whole thing quite amusing. It's amazing how quickly gossip spreads in such a small community! I know I'm still staying faithful to my vows and that's the most important thing. Guess I'm going to find out how powerful jealousy really is. That's assuming my W feels even slightly jealous about the idea that I may be seeing someone. I never said it before on here but last week my W asked me if I saw much of the girl in question. I just told her that I see her every now and again when we go out because we have mutual friends. This is before I realised there was a rumour going around about me. It may have been a probing question but I don't know. It may just as easily have been my W making conversation. I find it hard to tell with her these days.

I went to visit my W's cousin and the new baby in the hospital yesterday. She's gorgeous! I brought a nice personalised card I got off the internet and a nice gift. The happy parents seemed over the moon with both. They then asked me to come visit sometime when she gets out of hospital. I said I definitely would. The father also asked if I'd come out this weekend to wet the baby's head. I don't know if that's a tradition anywhere else but it basically means the father taking out all the guys close to him to celebrate the birth in the way that guys do best. With copious quantities of alcohol and general drunken behaviour! I unfortunately had to decline because I have Wee Man this weekend. They then told me that there'd be another night sometime soon so those who can't make this weekend can come. I told them I'd definitely be up for that. It still feels good that my W's family include me in things like this.

I'll be seeing my W this afternoon when I take Wee Man back to her. I'm not going to ask her any questions about how she's getting on though. I need to get back to a bit of darkness because I think it may have looked as though I've been pursuing lately. Let her pursue again for a bit. I need to get some control back in my sitch.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Kev, I am having a tough time, can you pls visit me?