PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Things have been very painful for me this week and especially today. I feel a wreck. I saw my IC and also another school counsellor today to talk about how to best approach the subject of separation with the kids. I am getting a whole lot of good advice but also this is a realization that my H's decision is final and it's like I am mourning my M all over again.

My IC (who is also H's IC) said to me today that there is little to no chance that H will come home. I told him that confirms what I thought. He said H doesn't consider me an option, he just sees me as the wrong choice. He also said that right now H feels 'contempt' for me. Wow, what a strong word but I think he is right. I feel it.

IC said that he needs to feel contempt for me so that he can feel superior and therefore makes it easier for him to move on with his life. I think he is right. I think he started feeling contempt for me when he started the A, how convenient right? Contempt came with his onset of guilt. Much easier to deal with contempt than one's own feelings of guilt. ( We had renewed our vows two months before he said he started the affair so if he felt contempt for me before then we would not be renewing vows.)

So I know that contempt is a big coverup. How convenient. IC said that the contempt may die down after 2 or 3 or 4 years and then maybe kindness and caring might come back between us.

So that's the verdict from our IC, a man who knows both of us intimately so I have to take his view on things as pretty accurate. So that is why I am ultra sad today because I have to face the reality that he has permanently left, that I am not in his heart, that he uses contempt for me to ease his guilt.

I am distraught.

This is very tough. I called my parents and they were very supportive. They are wonderful parents. My Mom said that I deserve better and I shouldn't worry so much about H anymore that he didn't appreciate me and he is not worth it. I am beginning to come around to her way of thinking. My Dad said that one day, maybe I will find someone who is better than H, who will be nicer to me and treat me better.

My IC was trying to be encouraging and said that one day I might find someone who is attracted to my character, the light from within. I told him I want my H and started crying. IC asked if I was scared. I told him that I was not scared. That this time last year I was scared but I have grown stronger. Now I am just incredibly sad.

He said it's time to think about me now, to put me first. He said I spent my life putting other people first but now if I put myself first then everyone benefits. I will try to think on that and implement that.