WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

your W is much more open to a reconciliation than your friend was it seems.

I'm still not sure if my wife is open to reconciliation or not. I think she has a few things to work through to get to that point. I talked to my therapist today and she really put it in a perspective of where she feels my wife isn't willing to try. My therapist had been our marriage counselor right up to the point my wife moved out.

She said that while my wife was showing up, she wasn't willing to try to work on her problems, let alone take any ownership in it. She said that my wife would constantly place the blame on me that hurt her, made her feel neglected, etc. Never taking any ownership in trying to make things better. I'm not sure if I full agree as I think my wife tried to the best of her ability, like I had tried to the best of my ability to understand/realize that there was problem, but neither one of knew what to do to "fix it". My therapist point was that we should have then
tried something different if what we were doing for years wasnt working.

I do agree that my wife isn't taking ownership in the communication issue in the past, although we are communicating better now. Problem is that she isn't able to let go of the hurt. Not sure if it's because she choses not to or doesn't know how. But that's on her.

This doesn't mean that I don't feel sad for the situation as to what my boys are going through as well as I. I also feel guilty for my part that brought my family to this point. I also feel frustrated/angry that my wife can't let go of her hurt/pride and is acting so selfishly. I am also hurt that the woman I love will do this to me and our boys. My therapist said that these are all normal feelings. How I handle them is the key.

I'm still working on me to make sure I will be the best CIPA whether we stay married or not. I will be the best CIPA to be the best dad and provide for my boys as best that I can, whether we stay married or not. In short I will do what I do because its what I want to do, whether we stay married or not.

Staying focused on that, the DB/DR way, is the key to surviving this mess. She's not trained in DB/DR but she seems to agree with the strategy/philosophy.

[confusedinpa]

It was a tough dinner/baseball outing. Not really from the relationship side, but my 7 year old fell off the monkey bars while he was playing there before my 3 year old's baseball game. My wife had to take him to the emergency room to get his wrist checked out - fortunately it was only sprained.

It started off a little down for me as well as when I got to the park with my boys, my 7 year old told me he remembered our conversation and will do as we talked about. I told him that I was sorry that I had made him feel sad about the way I talked to him and know that he is still a kid and didn't understand about all the grown up stuff. He said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore as it was making him sad again. Ouch.

My 7 year old did his homework at the park while we waited for my wife to show up so we could eat dinner. My 3 year old showed me some pictures he made at school/day care. My wife showed up and we ate dinner. She looked beat. I told her she looked tired and asked if she was ok. She said that she was up crying till 12:30 last nite and got up at 5:30. She said she was really having a down day yesterday. I told her that this situation was tough on everyone. Then I tried to shift the topic to something more upbeat/non-relationship.

We chatted for a while. After the boys were done eating, they asked if they could play on the climber. We said yes. My wife and I chatted as I asked how her day was and tried to keep the discussions light and upbeat. Then my 3 year old came running back that my 7 year old was crying and needed help. I ran over there as my wife and 3 year old tried to keep up.

I walked my 7 year old back to the pavillion so he could sit in the shade as we checked him out. He said that his wrist and back hurt. He seemed ok after a while when he and my 3 year old asked about going to play again. So the 4 of us walked to the climber. I chatted with my wife some more when she said that she really wasn't looking forward to the birthday party for my boys this Sat. She said she was worried about what my family was going say/do. I told her that I will make sure that they don't confront her like they did last time.

That's when my 7 year old came back saying his wrist was still hurting. So we decided that my wife would take him to the emergency room so I could stay with my 3 year old at baseball. My 7 year old then started crying saying that he still wanted to go home with me tonite. I said that would be fine and me and his brother will stay up till he comes home.

Then my wife's mother came to see my 3 year old play baseball. It was awkward since my wife had left for the hospital. I tried to be polite and chat litely but she didn't seem to want to talk.

I gave up trying and just focused on my 3 year old.

When my 7 year old finally came back (my wife brought him home from the hospital), my wife and chatted as she told me that it was just at sprain and what the doctor recommended. I thanked her for her help and that I was glad that she was there tonite. She then left to go back to her apartment. Ironically, my 3 year old didn't even want to say goodbye to her, nor my 7 year old. Don't know if she noticed or not.

She did call tonite and talked about non-relationship stuff. Mostly about the emergency room visit and to ask how my 7 year old was doing. After a bit, I just said that I had expected that she would have been in bed already since she looked so tired at baseball tonite. I asked if she had gotten a second wind. She said no, but I think that she took it as a hint that I was about to say goodbye so she said that she was going to let me go and talk to me later. I just said goodnite.

I didn't ask if we were still going to do lunch tomorrow or not. If she calls, great. If not, I'll be fine.

Oh well, the confusion and drama continues....

[MrBond]

It's all par for the course. So just keep hanging in there.

BTW, I finally posted updates to my story if you're interested, in the Newcomers section.

[confusedinpa]

It's all par for the course. So just keep hanging in there.

BTW, I finally posted updates to my story if you're interested, in the Newcomers section.

Stuck, I just finished catching up on your thread and gave what little insight I had. Unfortunately, it's a recap of all the advice you gave me!

This does suck. So I hope you hang in there as well.

[confusedinpa]

Did any of them pursue her afterwards and try to change? If not, then I can see what she became the WAS.

I don't know about the first one for sure, but reasonably sure he did not. In fact, she got sole custody as he wanted nothing to do with their daughter (which was part of the problem as he wasn't ready to do the daddy/baby thing). She says that he has a feeling that he hasn't changed one bit.

The second one definitely has not changed nor pursued her. Although he had just sent her flowers last week, first time since she moved out back in Dec. She said that she was annoyed as she felt obligated now, but then decided to just send him an email to say thank you and dropped anymore discussion/conversation after that. She said that he has not changed nor tried to show her that he was trying.

She said that she does see what I'm trying to change and do. I asked if it would have made a difference for her and she said that she felt that when she left, the "window" was closed. Now in her case, she doesn't call her husband nor initiate any contact outside of things related to their son. She says that her husband tries to chit chat/inititate conversations, but she just hangs up.

I do have to be a little cautious of what I talk to her about as she works for me. I know, very awkward, especially in the beginning when I couldn't talk about it without breaking down in tears. I couldn't imagine what I would do if my boss did that in front of me - I have more than half the company (over 250 people) reporting up through my global organization. Fortunately, she handled it really well by saying that when we talk about these things, she says its CIPA the person. Outside of those discussions, it's CIPA the boss. Another fine line I need to balance.

[confusedinpa]

I'm a little anxious this morning - whether or not she will call for lunch. I guess in hindsight I should have timed it better - not asking when it was the week before the boys B'day party. I should have known that she would be anxious about it as this will be first time she will be seeing my family since she moved out. Her mom and dad will be coming so they have both well adjusted to the situation. I'm actually beginning to suspect that her mom may not be as unsupportive of her moving out as I thought. The reason being is that she goes over there almost everyday that the kids are there. I hope this is just irrational paranoia.

Last nite when she showed up at baseball, after my wife left to take my 7 year old to the hospital for his sprained wrist, she asked how I was doing. I said I'm doing all that I can. She didn't really comment. I said that we still talk almost everyday. She said that we will always be talking since we have the boys and she knows I will always be involved not like her ex-husband. I told her that it's been 4 weeks now and I don't think she is ever coming back. She said that she has been hurt a long time so it will take time. I just shrugged and dropped it right there.

I wanted to plant a seed in her to let her know that I'm getting impatient. She waited 10 years for her husband to come back before she filed for divorce. I just want to make sure she's not telling my wife that she can take that long!

Probably a mistake, but we shall see....

[SmileysPerson]

I guess in hindsight I should have timed it better - not asking when it was the week before the boys B'day party.

The only comment I'm going to make is this one: That bit right there? That is a HUGE, HUGE bit of self-awareness. And to have that kind of self-awareness means you're gaining confidence and vision and insight. That's awesome.

[PMA_Baby!]

I know you're getting impatient, but you CAN'T. Remember this is how she felt ALL those YEARS while you were supposedly NEGLECTING her. I can't remember was she a SAHM? If so that can add to the RESENTMENT. She DOESN'T BELIEVE these changes are REAL. She like most WAW believe a tiger can't change his stripes. Which for many is true. That is why you NEED to use this time to work on YOU. And YOU are doing a good job of that. Keep on making TIME for YOU. Hang out with old friends. Take up some new hobbies. The more new things you do the more she will BELIEVE that these changes are real. If your changes are only RELATED to HER then she will not. Forget about the lunches for now. She's not ready. She would just be appeasing you. She is seeing what she needs to see when she is around you and the boys.

Yoy have to stay PATIENT and give her TIME and SPACE. I see cracks in her wall. But it takes time. A drop in the bucket of your lives together so quit focusing on the day to day stuff. Look at what your doing as an investment. Building the "pipeline". You're in business you know what im talking about. Think Ray Kroc and only getting a .05 for every burger at first. Keep on planting the seeds of doubt. You're making up for LOST TIME.

Like Michelle says in her book. You're goal is not to convince her to come back. It's about planting a seed of doubt in her mind that she might be making a mistake in leaving. You are doing that my friend. Keep it up. I think she is getting close to opening that door again.

PMA

[confusedinpa]

I guess in hindsight I should have timed it better - not asking when it was the week before the boys B'day party.

The only comment I'm going to make is this one: That bit right there? That is a HUGE, HUGE bit of self-awareness. And to have that kind of self-awareness means you're gaining confidence and vision and insight. That's awesome.

SmileysPerson,

Thanks for the "positivity". I guess in the past I never would have even considered her feelings and what was running through her head.

Right now it looks like the lunch thing will definitely be off as she just called me and told me the radiologist just called her to let her know that my 7 year old's wrist isn't sprained, it is fractured and "buckled". No idea what that means but it doesn't sound good.

She said that she is trying to get an appointment with an orthopediatrist (Sp?) so that he can check it out and possibly have it cast. This is really going to "suck" as the summer is just starting so he will have to miss swimming and soccer and all the other stuff that he loves to do.

So on top of him having to deal with this situation, he's going to have this cast. This blows.....

[JKL2009]

You're goal is not to convince her to come back. It's about planting a seed of doubt in her mind that she might be making a mistake in leaving.

PMA

I am putting that quote somewhere I can see it everyday. That is the key thought right there.