Tomorrow will be a better day for you. If YOU decide that it is going to be. That is your choice.....
Blah, Blah Blah is what I hear now.
I have always found it fascinating that as diverse as we are all here as people, that the MLC script is so exact.
The rejection that you feel will ease with a lot of detaching from the tornado that you call your husband.
All of us here were chosen for one reason or another to face this adversity in our collective lives. Our strength comes from within after time, and there will be a day that you will actually feel thankful that you were chosen. Time will become your friend, and although there are no guaruntees that your goal of reviving your marriage will happen. The only thing that YOU must worry about is you and your daughter.
So you feel rejected by him ? Or you feel rejected by the winds of change that have overtaken him ?
Either way....You cannot let this have that much power over you. Use this time to get to know yourself and who you are after life has blessed you.
The question that you have to ask yourself , looking in the mirror, is can you forgive all of this one day ?
If THAT answer is no ?????
But if it is yes, then apply the DB techniques that you have at your disposal, and PLEASE understand that DB'ing isn't about saving your marriage, it's about saving yourself, and finding yourself again so that you may become attractive to your spouse again.
Be true to yourself and let your actions match your words....
Strive to be the better person....and there is NO way ......YOU can fail.
have you thought about taking your D to C? I think both of you can benefit from it even if your H is oblivious to the damage he's causing.
Even with my W, she's caused so much pain and hurt and probably knows it, but is thinking about herself for now. That's why it's so important for those of us LBSs in a M with someone in MLC to buckle down and close the storm doors as our WASs storm outside.
It sucks that we have to be the ones to hold the moral high ground, but it's the choice we've made and we do our best to weather it.
I can tell you're getting stronger every day and that's great! Hang in there. I continue to pray for you and your D.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Had a stressful day yesterday......... Firstly our D's school play was on in the morning. Me, my Mum and my H were there; he sat 4 rows behind s and refused to have anything to do with us;refused to look at us or speak to us. he was making a point of laughing loudly in places; just to show us that he is fine and happy? Chatting with the woman next to him about video cameras as if he hadnt a care in the world. Our D was happy to see us both there which is the main thing but for the life of me I wish I knew why he is acting so immature.
I was then needing to go to the main courthouse in town to talk about access with my L, I was in one room with her and my H was in another with his L. It was extremely stressful and difficult. My H wants to have 50/50 straight down the middle and is wanting to sleep/stay in our home 2 nights a week even though he is living with OW. He also wants to take our D7 one night a week outside the home overnight, at either of his sisters houses r his ex wifes house to facilitate D seeing her half sister. I was feeling bullied and pressured to make a decision before our main court appearance next Monday so that the judge doesnt have to make the decision for us. The simple fact is that:
I dont think that its appropriate for D to SLEEP overnight in XW's house even for the sake of sibling relationship.
I DONT think that it is right that my H can desert me and our D and then walk back in and sleep the night and spend time here.
hey have since put in a ridiculous trial parenting plan t me via email; a two week rota system where he is seeing her 4 days and the three; only now sleeping in he house once a week (just goes to show how he has no real interest in being anywhere near here) but putting her to sleep (9pm) in the house regularly.
I became upset last night. It shows that my H has every intent on seeing our D as much as he can which is great for her of course. It is even the case that he believes that I should see her less as I am an unfit mother and a psychotic.
This says volumes to me abut the way he feels about me. This is not a case when a WAH leaves the W and D without any interest, he just wants nothing t do with me or our house, he hates me and despises me and wants nothing to do with my life again.
Yet surely acting like this is a direct insult and rejection to our D?
I am personally hurting today; I feel so rejected as a woman. Yet there is a part of me that really believes that I am worth more than this; that I have wonderful friends who love me and see my worth.I am a good mother and am trying my best to look after her as best as I can under these circumstances.
He has forged on with his new life, def wants D as a majr part of it but me, our house, our R and our life, well, wants nothing t do with it.
Its hard to think of it as pure MLC when he wants to see our D so much. But the common thought here amongst people is that he has lost the run of himself and has flipped it.
He has so much anger and pride. He wants control over me and will stop at nothing.
I miss the H that I knew but have nothing to say to this new version of him. We are strangers at his insistence and maybe it is better this way? Is he WAS or MLC or both?
ADVICE? Thanks for all of your feedback so far everyone........
I asked that question myself...but does it really matter what it is? WAS/MLC THEY ARE GONE...they will never be as they used to be..... we will never be what we used to be.From what I read in here this a typical thing for WAS/MLC the old marriage is dead....i used to ask that question one day I asked myself does it really matter??? They are gone, the men /wives we married are gone...and that is just how I feel....be blessed
MY xh still wants to see our kids he has always kept up on seeing them I think they can be in MLC and still want to see kids IM sorry for your pain..I know exactly how you feel we have to look at this as a mental illness these was/mlc give up an awful lot to be free many go in debt many use drugs/alcohol these are not signs of a stable person early ion the crises they do seem sort of happy or maybe just numb is a better word the euphoria of a new R is kind of a high also so they are addictive people later in the criases you will notice more of the depression, moodiness withdrwal anger at least I did it may be true that some or many of our M had problems mine did but the crises is theirs and not about us or the M totally they say its about unresolved childhood issues so its not you
if this were a sane person just wanting a D why doenst the H just ask for a D then seek couseling for his grieving process stay away from any OW for 3-6 months get a house have D visit at his house focus on being a great dad
NO these guys do everything to PLEASE themselves no work no pain no growth the new R has no chance of working any better than the M did just work on you you will grow and be ok the pain eases and you will find your way again mostly everyone here has in time peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks peace, your post has meant a lot to me. You are absolutely right; if my H was in any way in his right mind and was wanting the best for our D he would get his own place close to her school. My heart breaks at the chaos and damage that has ensued; living with OW; in this situation? What is he thinking if not just about himself? Has anyone else had this situation and how did yu cope with this?
I haven't posted for a few days as I have been in turmoil and upset; things have been going completely pear shaped.
My H and I have our court hearing tomorrow for Safety Order full hearing, access and maintenance. it is going to be horrible. my h wants to come back into the house two nights a week, now it is down to one. i have said that it is not appropriate that he comes back here. he has said that unless he gets this he will move back into the house full time.
why? why would he want to? the simple fact is that our d7 would be subjected to what is going on between us (my h wont even look at me let alone talk to me, except if it relates to d)and she would also be completely confused. he has left me, left the marriage, left the home and is living with his lover yet still expects to be able to move back in here. i want to really fight this. i feel its so wrong. how is our d expected to move into the new reality that her father has created if she is given confusing signals? this is all about my h wanting control and power over our d. my L asked his L whether the issue was putting our d to sleep and taking her to school in the morning. he confirmed that my h has no interest in being in the house except for our d. that hurts. i have given ten years of my life to this man and to our family. it hurts that i have been deleted yet he is prepared to fight irrationally for our d.i haven't stopped him seeing her at any time except when his behaviour has been abusive.
i also received a call from our d's headmaster of her school friday morn. our d's teacher found a one page piece of creative writing in her english journal, in her handwriting, that was sexually explicit, extremely so for a seven year old.
i am at a loss to understand where this has come from. there were no drawings or names mentioned.
i need your help here everyone.my little girl has shown signs of distress; crying and saying she cant take it any more, she wants to die, she wants to have a normal family, not a half and half family.
my heart is breaking. i need to get her professional help now. i am at a loss to understand why this has happened to all of our lives.
my h has become an alien to me; wants nothing to do with me on any level. i have had to change my entire life to protect and care for our d; put up with the humiliation of being slandered in our community,my h living with an employee of his country having to take two orders out on my h for unreasonable behaviour and threat.
and now my d suffering like this......
thanks for reading everyone.....
the scary thing is this; if it is mlc then at least i can put it in the category that he has flipped it. but if he is in his rational mind? could he be that cruel? surely this has to be a crisis. his company is folding, he is living in four different places.....
i am a good person, i pray and put my trust in god, i try and treat people how i want to be treated. i have loved my h even through our difficulties, i have believed in my marriage.i love my d more than anything in the world.
he doesnt want his old life, just parts of it in his new life. the part that he doesnt want from his old life is me......i have to be gotten rid of and deleted at all costs. yet doing that affects our d......
Its about 9.15 in the morning here in Ireland. it is going to be a glorious day; its already sunny now. I am looking into our garden and I am filled with sadness. We have spent many Sundays like this as a family; going to our closest town for breakfast; enjoying our garden together.
My H has spent a good deal of time in the garden over the last few years. I have asked a good friend of ours who is a landscape gardener to come in and help me do some work in t now that my H has left (she woudl know him well as he has asked her to do things for us before). My Mum told him this last night and he said he doesnt want me "ripping anything that he has planted out without speaking to him first". Interestingly, when he moved out from his last home/marriage his first wife ripped out the garden that he had planted for 20 years and did it the way she wanted it to. Is he scared of history repeating itself> I have had no interest in ripping anything out..... Interesting that he has also said a few times: "My XW did this to me -left the marriage for someone else-and now I am doing it to you".
The comments he has made about the garden and his ex-wife are interesting. Do you know if he was as angry w/her as he is w/you? I can't help but wonder if history is replaying itself in his mind to some extent by the comments. The garden appears to be an anchor in his life and he sees it as his life's work. I know, I sound very nuts myself, but the garden is a very important part of his being. It's the one thing he does/did have control over in his life.
As for your d, get her some counseling as soon as possible. She has been exposed to some things that she shouldn't have been. I can only imagine what she's written down, but it doesn't sound good. The child is under extreme stress and needs to talk to someone to get a better understanding of the situation. She needs a party to talk to outside of the family in order to feel safe to talk out her feelings and concerns. She knows you are stressed enough as it is.
As for your h coming there a couple of nights a week or even one night tells me that he's still attempting to control things and yes, he still feels the house is his. Even though he's gone and acting out, he still wants to be a part of the his daughter's life and whether you want to believe it or not, he's keeping a very keen eye on you and what you are doing. He's so afraid that you will find yourself a new man and that will be it. He's reliving the past and unfortunately, the trails he's blazing aren't pretty at all. How did he relate w/his parents?
I, the gardens in Ireland are beautiful, so lush and green. Soak up the beauty and allow God's wonderful gardens to heal you. Take your strength from that beauty. While visiting there, I was simply amazed at the beautiful gardens and I had never seen roses so huge. Gardens provide a place for prayer, relaxing and healing. Go sit in your garden and allow the sun to shine on you today.
Please take care of yourself and your little girl.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Inn My children were very stressed at first also especially my 14 yr old who was 11 then i was also in so much pain my son 7 was wheezing a lot it was so difficult then I spent a lot of time talking to my kids especially older one and listening easpecially at bedtime I think it gave them a sense we would be ok mom was ok I told them dad was in crises( I thought that was truth) and we prayed for him I gave then some hope because I also felt H would return one day now we are D 2years 6months post bomb I tell them the truth as it fits today I think being there for them is the most important thing my XH also would not tlak to me at first for some months and then was very sporatic and still today one day he is talkative pleasant and helpful next day he is totally angry withdrawn hateful uncoommunicative so I just go with the flow I worry about me and kids and let himn go/act whatever way he sees fit it no longer affects me for the most part peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Was in court yesterday for 8 hours and we didn't manage to go in front of the judge; just negotiated in different rooms for ages. The safety order has been adjourned for one month; my H is still under protection order which is good; I feel that I have some protection for myself and my daughter. we have worked out a trial parenting plan which means that he will be putting D7 to bed in the family home one night a week; one night from home time till half seven and a Friday night staying outside the family home returning on Saturday at 6. Its in place for a month and only a trial and because the protection order is in place I am fine with the arrangement. He is nt going to be staying over night in the house. My H turned up at court yesterday with his XWife and D27.......why??????? It seemed completely weird and I became very upset.....I dont understand why he did this. They ignored me of course. The painful thing about all of this is that I love my step daughter.
I am in s much pain; I feel run down and debilitated. I miss my H and my marriage and I feel so alienated from family and friends; I have been deleted. My H seems to have created a scenario where he has everything in his life the way he wants it, including our D7 when he wants her, but I need to be erased (and subsequently the house because I live here).
I have so much grief and loss; I am feeling it at a new level in the last few days.
am starting to think that maybe H hasn't flipped it.......maybe he isn't in crisis.......maybe he knows exactly what he wants. If that is the case he has caused so much destruction. And seems oblivious to it.
I just want peace and I am in grief and turmoil Thanks fr all of your help. I pray every day and I am trusting that God will help all of us, in his own good time.
