Your relative L may be fine to see but I've known too many women who think a "joint" session w/ L will Show the light to the WAS and it does not. Plus YOU said the L was not a fan of women and that got me wondering what's in it for you. PLUS the mediation thing...yeah I think most couples at SOME point ought to talk with one to save TIME, Hassle and money but ALWAYS after you already know your rights. I'd get that from a L.
As for the things banned in the EU and cancer, etc....not to digress too much on that tangent but I just got back from 3 weeks in Europe and for all their groovy enlightenment, or claims thereto, I faced more 2nd hand smoke IN PUBLIC there then I have probably ever in my life. We were coughing and we were outside in Venice and Bonn and Budapest. They ALL seem to smoke!! Forget about indoors, I mean we all had to wash our hair, etc. but OUTDOORS TOO!! (Oh and they say the "n" word referring to blacks--I'd say "African Americans" but we were not in America...) and several racist remarks too. Weird combination of attributes b/c I love the laid back lifestyle and recycling, etc....but there is a definite ugly side there too. Our D20's play was a Tony Kushner play and someone during intermission asked about why there were so many gays in the play (only he didn't use the word "gays"...and missed the entire point of the play...oh well)
Point about bad things happening is I see you fretting and worrying and I wonder if that's a control/childhood thing. To cope with the chaos of your childhood and yes I know it kills you to realize it has been recreated in your children's. But you can stop that and turn that part around.
Your h is not sending as many mixed signals as you think, sorry to say. He doesnot want the KIDS to know about divorce, b/c he's afraid of looking like the bad guy. But he tells the outside world you're done and treats you like it. That is what it is, even if he is still attracted to you. I did not have a h telling others we were done and I do worry for your health and all b/c of the STD's and whatever he's really doing. He wants and thinks he has YOUR permission to be with OW so I guess, as terrible as it sounds, you may need to accept that he wanted that for a reason.
Yes I do think once you are separated, what's the point of snooping? I don't think you can call THAT cheating, now that's he "out" about it. BUT you can sure factor it in as to whether you see efforts to reconcile from him and honey, dating OW is not much of an effort at reconciling.
You feel guilt about him feeling a conscience, or your assumption that he does. You probably need to stop that. You have no idea what he really feels and besides, it is ONLY his actions that matter and right now, there are none.
The real question for now, among the many, is whether you are hurting yourself financially by staying with him. Don't associate taking protective steps for you and the kids with closing a door on him. They are not the same but even if they were, they'd be the mature thing to do. But i doubt seriously that he'll resent you nearly as much as you fear b/c you want to protect the kids when he knows he's been like Willy Loman.
And if he does resent you, what will he do? Leave you? Oh wait, he already has!!
Well, try to get some sleep. For me, periodic meds helped as I got too uptight at night and yet had to function in the day and that was a bad combination for real life for me. I really needed to be there for the kids or they'd lose both parents.
Getting a job that pays you will relieve a lot of your stress and is something YOU can affect so yes, put some energy there. And try to imagine something halfway fun or alright in your future or even GOOD, without h in it. Start with chick flicks if you want. Go see Maria Bamford do some stand up comedy (she's clean and hilarious and in LA often) or something FUN. Be kind to yourself.
And for now, try to go a day without letting his mood/words/feelings or HIM at all, affect you or your mood. Remember what I said about being the author of your own life's book? Don't let him write anymore of it.
Sleep well, or just sleep...
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
