Thanks for sharing. I do enjoy listening the stories of others so that I can tweak my own strategy. Funny thing is that the my personality and the OM's are virtually identical. With the exception that I don't look like her grandfather like he 'literally' does.
Well I've already changed and apologized for my errors in the M. Sometimes I worry about my W believing all the lies she was telling herself to push me away. I mean, she was the most gentle and trusting person I knew (as are most WASs I've found out, LOL), then she turned around and became this spiteful, angry, depressed and bitter person. Sometimes I wonder if it was the birth of our last child only 2 years ago that pushed her over (hormones). Plus I think her family has a history of depression although they don't talk about it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I do pray and believe in God. When things get tough, I go back and say a prayer about me giving my burdens to Him. I also ask for continued patience for myself as I cannot directly change my W.
I think it's the main thing that's been keeping me going. Prayer and Patience.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And since she hasn't told me specifically that she wants to work on the M
I believe this is the key point here. My therapist, even today, had challenged me to say what has my wife done to work on the marriage/relationship since the bomb. She said even when she was attending counseling, she kept blaming everything on me and would take no ownership. Right now, my wife is blaming her sadness on me - as she's in this situation as she is still hurt by me. Although my wife says that she feels the hurt everytime she sees/hears me, she still calls and attends things with me and the boys. If it was really that awful, why inflict it on herself over and over.
I didn't mean to get on a tangent on my situation, but the point I was trying to make is, if your wife isn't interested in working on the relationship, or thinks that she is, you may want to ask her. That was what my therapist suggested. I had done that in my case and my wife said that she thought the way to work on the relationship was to try to experience positive moments moving forward. Problem was she didn't let go of her hurt so she could/would actually experience them.
As I posted in my thread, my WAW friend suggested saying in my situation "I don't mean to be insensitive but this hurts me too. I want us to get back together and when things like this happens it gives me hope. If there really isn't any hope, it just adds to my hurt."
Now this may not apply word for word in your circumstance but the message is of is there any hope at all is of note. Perhaps that may be the type of "ultimatum" that gets thrown out there when the time is right.
In the meantime, remember the Integrated Man triangle that spellfire outlined in one of my earler threads. As you have reminded me countless times in my thread (via 2x4's and 2x6's), be the Integrated Man.
Isn't that the DB/DR way? To stop pursuing and being the Integrated Man so you will be attractive so you will be pursued?
I guess that's where we do have similarities in all our situations, how do we re-attract our WAS? In my case, my WAW has moved out. In your case, it seems like your WAW has all but physically moved out.
Not sure if any of this rambling helped - nor did I ever thought I would be offering you advice. But this is all I got right now. I'll talk to my WAW friend this week to get her perspective and let you know
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
So how fast did your W turn around after you started dating? Again, just curious. And is there any reason why you're not reconciled if she's doing all that?
It's a long process plus a reconciliation doesn't just happen overnight, you just don't write it down and hand a note to your wife that you're dating again.
The process involves rebuilding yourself into a greater person just for you, not for your wife's sake.
If you do the work on rebuilding you just for you, then the changes are real & lasting.
For the bulk of the separation I pursued her and made all the typical "wus" behavior type mistakes.
When I stopped acting like a wus and started assuming the relationship was over, when I told her I wouldn't be her doormat anymore and she could continue having an affair with whomever she pleased and it wouldn't bother me anymore.
It seriously is a long process but after a while they get it in their heads that when they have no effect on you anymore and that you're living a great life without them, they finally realize what they've lost and drop what they are doing to get it back.
Giving in easily wouldn't work either, she would probably resort back to her poor behaviors if she realized I was an easy goal to attain. Playing hard to get works. Dating others works great, if other women see value in you it brings them back to reality that they can be replaced as easily as they were trying to replace you.
The dynamic changes, the balance of power shifts and they're no longer in the driver's seat controlling this.
On top of dating I petitioned for joint custody of the kids and i got it. That's another thing: most men assume they won't get fair treatment, they won't get joint custody of the kids, that they will get taken to the cleaners when they appear in front of a judge and because of that mentality, they get exactly what they assumed. I did the opposite, I won't go down quietly, I proved I'm just as good if not better a parent than my wife is and truth be told I think I am the better parent.
I kicked my wife out of the house when I had enough of her crap behavior.
I dated others. I took care of myself, I shopped for better clothes, I improved my appearance, I believed in myself when for so long I never had that confidence.
I stopped working on the relationship. I stopped focusing on the problems and started focusing on me & my kids first.
Now I'm the one in the driver's seat, I'm the one she pursues and it's an odd feeling but now I'm not sure about the relationship, I'm not sure if I want to reconcile.
I read somewhere that the person who cares the least about the relationship controls it, I think to some degree that is very true. Apparently these feelings that I'm experiencing about doubting whether or not to pursue the relationship are to be expected, after detaching for so long, you have a natural momentum to keep going in that direction and it's hard to stop.
Hi - I also had an affair and I to would never ever of gotten over the OM if I still had contact with him and I would never of seen the value of my Marriage ( which I lost ).
She has to change jobs. I know that she is still in her mind entangled with this guy. she is probably up and down because he might of moved on and this upsets her seeing it, she might be good when she thinks she has a future sometime down the line with him. OM behaviour towards your W could well be dictating hermoods. You or her are not going to know anything until OM is completely out of the picture.
Thanks CIPA for the comments. That's what's great about the boards we all learn from each other.
pollyanna, dq, robx, thanks for all your insights as well.
I think for now I'm going to act like Carol in the DR book. I can't change how she's going to be with the OM at work, but I can continue to change myself. I'm going to keep GAL, being nice to her and have patience.
I'm also going to update my list of goals, try them out for a couple of weeks and change them if there is or isn't a response to them. If she brings up the R talk, I'm going to validate and see what she actually says.
I'm going to back off giving her pressure and see how that goes. Like I said, everything was going well up until 2 weeks ago when something happened in her head.
I'll see how things go with the show this weekend. Regardless of what happens, I intend to have a fun time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Incidentally, I believe my W is in the throes of a bad MLC, and in on the materials I've read on the subject, there is nothing you can do to change their mind. All you can do is hang on and weather the storm.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well last night was uneventful. Just the usual. She actually seemed alot less depressed than normal.
I've heard that the stages of MLC are like the stages of someone dying. Where they go through anger, bargaining, depression, etc. It definitely is a whole different roller coaster altogether.
But last night when we were in bed, I talked to her about her job and she opened up a bit and started feeling more comfortable. So that was a good sign.
There are times when the fog lifts just enough that her old self comes through. Hopefully those times will be quicker in coming.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
One more thing is that from her expressions or the vibe I get from her is that she's ready to run at any time.
Even when I took her out to see the movie this past weekend, I halfway expected her to stand up and run out the door. Or when we talk, I feel like the next thing to come out of her mouth is that she's leaving and never coming back.
It's getting to be where I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if she really is wanting out and feels trapped or a little of both.
You ARE being paranoid, but that is perfectly normal right now. Also, you need to focus on you more. If you are so focused on how she is, don't you think it would make her more stressed and more likely to want to run? Would a happy go lucky guy make her feel more or less trapped than the guy that is putting her under the microscope?
Its so hard to do, but you gotta relax a little buddy. That starts with GAL. Go out and DO and LIVE. It really and truly will help.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.