Well, today was a rough one...I knew he would be moving some stuff out today but the reality of it was torturous. I came home and broke down again...on my knees, sobbing. My D8 was comforting me and hugging me. Poor thing. This was not even an hour ago. My boss is coming over and bringing me some cigarettes!!!!! (I know I know....bad but WTF!!!!) Anyway, he left the house a mess and said he would come over tomorrow with stuff to help me organize what is left. How sweet. I just got a text from him that said "are you OK? Did that upset you?"...to which I WILL NOT reply. I guess he is concerned, but it feels patronizing. I can't move fast enough now...I just want to get the hell away from him.
I am so sorry. I know, I know!!! Maybe you just don't need his help straightening up. Maybe you can try to rearrange how YOU want things and try to make it fun with the kids...
Sh*t, smoke if you need to (and I'm a health nut)...it is the hardest, this part...breathe...aargh. I'm really feeling you.
I'm not going to try to cheer you up right now...feel it and get through it, you already know all the platitudes and you are strong intelligent woman.
[quote=I just got a text from him that said "are you OK? Did that upset you?"...to which I WILL NOT reply. I guess he is concerned, but it feels patronizing. I can't move fast enough now...I just want to get the hell away from him. [/quote]
Those are the times you wish you could text back and say "did what upset me?" "Oh, you mean taking the furniture and making the house look ransacked and robbed, in front of the kids, and not warning me or cleaning up after yourself? THAT?? Did THAT upset me? Why would that upset me?? I LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS, YOU F- @#$%^&*!!!!!"
just sayin'....sheesh!!
((( ))) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25...do you have any new insight for me...I am so confused. Do you think that he is just trying to keep the kids close by telling me that "he is not closing any doors"?? Help!!
Geez, I'm no mind reader. But if you lived on post he wouldn't have to pay you as much as he will if you live OFF. He'll get BAQ when you leave but that will be the minimum he has to give you until the court's decide on an amount. What rank is he?
Point is there are financial ramifications if you live on post versus moving away. Getting a divorce would NOT be harder; you'd just have more of a hassle if that happened. YOU would have to move within 30-90 days (usually 60) and find a new place whenever it happened, as opposed to moving to a better more stable place during the summer.
Do what's best for the kids. Your h can decide you're worth a relatively small hurdle or two if he wants back in and if he's not willing to leap a few, do you really believe it'll work in the long run anyhow?
IF you KNOW in your heart you are moving for good reasons, i.e., that your choices are not punitive ones, NOR are they tactics to get him back, and if you know in your heart (as much as you can), that it is the best course for you or the kids, just do it. If he comes around, great. If not, so be it. That's on him.
Life is short and tomorrow is promised to no one. Trouble is we don't know how finite our lives are. We don't know that this next several months are 3 years are our last. What do you want to spend yours doing? Or what if you have 45 years left and find out that in 10 of those years, your h will AGAIN "wonder if"??? And you'll be on these boards again wondering what going dark means and what it means if he looks at you a certain way or says a sentence that contradicts the other five...
As you must have heard by now, "Believe nothing he says and half of what he does."
Sorry I can't figure out your h for you. Not enough info IF he IS the type one can figure out. Which he may not be. In the final analysis you'll have ONE thing to go by; how he treats you and your kids.
Not what you hope/think/wonder/wish he feels/thinks/says/does....but how he treats YOU NOW...
and it does not sound too good, but there's some mixed signals going on. See if you can Let those settle. How long do you have before you must decide anything?
If you must decide soon, don't get into the housing on post. He can end up leaving you anyhow, and still have you there on post and you'll get little or NO additional money since the housing is paid for by being on post, so what will you do then? He's asking you to take all the risks...and he's taking none.
Normally that's the opposite in these situations. The WAS does something, goes out on a limb or makes a gesture to show that they are different now. By taking him back, You'd risk that he'll hurt you again and he'd risk that you'll hold it over his head or throw it in his face or make him miserable with 100 conditions attached to his existence and whereabouts etc...in this case, he wants you to move in so he doesn't have to pay you much IF anything, and you and the kids are nearby in case he does choose to return...how convenient for him and how nightmarish and purgatorial for you. And if he does not change his mind, it has cost him NOTHING to keep you here.
Given the givens, he should be putting out flares into the sky about how he's willing to demonstrate what HE'S going to do to PROVE TO YOU that HE WILL BE different and that HE is worth keeping...
Just a thought.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25...you really are dedicated to helping alot of people here on this sight and I really appreciate you taking the time to post so much. I like your "tough love" attitude and it really does give me strength.. Is there a thread to your story...just interested in your own history. I wish I could figure out how to use that quote feature...it would make things easier for me to reply, but I really felt the "life is short" philosophy hit home. I think this is also what is part of what is going on with H. He said to me (during my begging stage) that he was afraid that he would continue to be unhappy and waste years of his life and mine in an unhappy marraige. Which was hard to hear considering I wasn't entirely unhappy and we do have great times. Ups and downs, yes. Of course. But I truly believe it is nothing so bad that we can't fix. Now he tells me that I have never done anything wrong and blames me for nothing...which I see as a problem. If there is nothing I could do differently to change for the better...what is the point of DB and what is the point of trying to make him see what he is missing?? The one thing he told our T (he went to only 2 sessions 1 with me before he left, and one alone since then) was that he didn't think that I was interested in his job. Should I show more interest when we talk now? Also, I know I have been neglegent with the finances. I don't overspend or anything like that...but I fo let the weight of finances fall on his shoulders as he does all the bills and makes the most $$. I know this stresses him out. How do I become more involved now that he is out?? I mean, i guess I will have to no matter what right? Ugh. It is late and I am tired of analyzing...if anyone can tell me what they think, that would be great. How do I 180 when he tells me I have no blame in him leaving me???
My new trick is just to copy and paste and use a color to highlight my statements...thanks to 25 (instead of quotes).
Umm, I am not saying our sitches are the same but there are similarities. The thing is that you are believing what he is saying...that doesn't make it reality.
Now, I get it with the finances and the showing more interest in his job (big one for my H) AND, this is a tough call because, at least in my case, H's feelings of insecurity and overwhelmed-ness are far beyond anything I can heal or accommodate (learning this the hard way)...I would venture to say that depending on YOUR comfort, you can listen and show some interest BUT the main thing I see in both sitches is that we have to be strong, work toward self-sufficiency and MAYBE that will lift some of the burden for them and maybe not but what other option is there?
Listen to 25, I have been flailing mostly due to the juvenile and enmeshed nature of my R. Still, I have some insight as I'm living it too, in my own way.
Your last post on my thread was awesome and it takes strength to maintain and of course, growing and changing hurts. The big mistake I make and I see others making is just wanting the S to come back, no pain, no growth, just make it all ok. And quite often S leaves again...already happened in my R, 6 years ago and he came back after 5 weeks and was so contrite. Now, here we are again. NOT saying this will be you, just saying without major changes, the R can backslide pretty easily.
Find the actions that fit with that wonderful woman you see your self as...actions, not words (smacking myself as I type).
how long has your h been in the military and how long have you been m and does he intend to stay in for 20? Sorry if this is in past posts but didn't see it in your signature block and am too lazy to check your past threads...
Could make a diff since retirement issues and med coverage could arise. Just need that info MAYBE...oh, btw, did I tell you I used to be a JAG in the Army? Anyfoofoo,
gotta go, still sad about American Idol outcome...oh well. At least I have my priorities in order. geez, maybe I have to actually say "I'm kidding"....not for you but for those who may not know how genuinely hilarious I am... (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
