Some of you know that one of my H's biggest complaints was about my D22. She was a stupid teenager (is there one that isn't???), and this has been consistently one of H's complaints as to the demise of our marriage. As a matter of fact, the last time I spoke to him, he threw her in my face again, to which I reminded him that D22 did not make him have an affair. That may have not been standard DB language, but dammit I felt better.
D22 and I have worked hard in the last few months to put our relationship back together. It will never be the same b/c of the havoc reaked and the blame and pointing fingers (I did some of that too), but we are mending. My D22 has a beautiful little girl who will be 1 on Saturday. If you have not read my story much, the day I found out D22 was pregnant was the day H dropped the bomb.
Now here we are, 20 months later, and I looked at this precious baby, and she is magnificent. Beautiful doesn't cut it. I watched my D22 be a mother, and was in awe. She is the most beautiful young mother, doting on her daughter, checking on her when she cried. It was amazing to see this stupid teenager as a grown woman, an adult who has grown in ways that I could not have ever imagined. And I thank God for her.
My daughters are all precious to me, but D22 and I have had a really rough road. We spent the better part of the last year only speaking intermittently, and I regret this. It was so good to hold MY baby in my arms, and tell her how much I love her without actually having to say a word. Later, I sent her a text thanking her for visiting me, told her I loved her, and she told me no matter what the situation, I am still her mother and she loves me too. This made me cry a little, b/c I realize that no matter what, I will always have my precious daughters, and no one will ever take that away.
During my M, I felt caught between H and D22. I felt like I had to make a choice, and I refused to do so. I wanted them both. Ultimately, it was H who made the choice. I tried to see things from his point of view. D22 was irresponsible at times, mean at others. She is a bit of a drama queen, albeit not so much anymore. Motherhood will do that to you but nothing is unforgiveable when you have children.
Sometimes relationships need to heal. Given the choice, I am glad it was this one. I realize that this new relationship with my daughter is going to take time to cultivate and grow, between two adult women. It is going to be very different. Gone are the days where I can tell her what to do...she has her own home, her own H, her own D. It is bittersweet that I have to let that go. On the one hand, I see how marvelous she has become. And on the other, I grieve the loss of my little girl, who is now a grown woman.
If you are in the alternate universe, stop by my page. See my D22, and her D1.
Next month...I get to spend a week with D24 and my boys...GS4, GS2, and GS 5 months...I love reconnecting with my daughters in the way that I have. I think this experience has been painful, but has made me grow as a person, as a woman, as a mother, and for that I will have to remember to thank my H one day.
Of course, that will have to be one day when I am finished hating him...
XXOO Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
but nothing is unforgiveable when you have children.
