Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Hi Peace,Thanks for posting! Feels kind of lonely here when people read and don't post opinions/ideas/experiences..so I appreciate your input!

Seems like a lot has happened in just a few days. H and I had two good conversations yesterday-he shared a lot about OW, his doubts, his anger at himself(and me)..calm sharing/listening.
Today OW broke up with H. He says he felt it was coming a few weeks ago and he admitted he snooped on her email!(One of the things he was mad that I did)..She used phrases breaking up with him, that he had said to me(its too much work being in a relationship with you..I don't want to have to work at it...)..

So H is in a sad and lonely place. A lot of it is self-imposed. He seems like maybe he is reconsidering divorce, but I am not sure(as I think he is not sure)...He sees the irony that on the day his lawyer wold have received his retainer check, the OW broke up with him...We talked tonight and took a short walk together. He wanted to have someone to talk to so I did a lot of listening..I think a big obstacle for him, and it may have to do with depression, is that he can't see a way forwad hat is positive and hopeful.

I think he truly feels that he's created a mess, he has said he feels he's an old and foolish man who has made stupid mistakes in the last 6 months...and its almost as if he feels he deserves to be miserable...Although I want him to move home and want to work with me to create a new marriage, I'm not sure he's ready. I'm hoping if he isn't ready he doesn't think he still needs to go through with a divorce...its hard to tell what part of this his depression is creating/worsening..

So far, things are calm and thoughtful between us. He feels uncomfortable everywhere he says, not just with me. He sees our home as our house/my home, but not his home. That makes me sad. I know its a mental thing. He talked about selling the table and chairs OW bought him..about moving home, but not comfortable sharing the bed with me, didn't want to live in basement..he was all over the map tonight..I mostly listened. I did share with H a sheet of questions I had written about us that I thought should be explored in order to see if there could be an "us"... So we talked a bit about those..

I feel this is kind of un-DB territory, but I feel that keeping this friendship is important right now and being unavailable, unless true, would not help...