Just letting you know that I am still here for you. Don't stop posting and giving us an update. Glad you started another thread.
Sandi
Sandi - I don't want to hijack someone else's thread, but can you drop by mine. I'm at an extremely confusing point in my separation and could use some additional insight. Particularly from someone who is so highly recomended. Thanks
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Since the emotional escalation that took place over the past couple of weeks followed by the blowup last week, things have been quiet and distant.
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First (since this is a new thread) a quick review of sitch.
Since I discovered the EA and she dropped the bomb last November, my W and I have been cohabitating and raising our kids together, but the R is otherwise distant and strained. My W is firmly on the fence, both afraid of the consequences of D, and unwilling to commit to working on our R. The result has been a slowly oscillating roller coaster between the two of us. I back away and detach, she moves toward me and things improve, then she backs off again. The EA ended in February, but my W makes periodic attempts to reestablish it, most recently 2 weeks ago.
I would summarize the past 3 weeks as a case of both of us watching the other, both of us acting strangely in response, and the whole situation escalating and blowing up. She came to some strange conclusions about the changes I was making in myself, got scared and ran to OM. I saw her acting strangely, snooped and caught her contacting OM. She caught me snooping, lied about OM and the whole situation exploded last Friday.
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And now a short update on the past 5 days.
Since the blow up things have been quiet. I backed way, way off. On Saturday I went for a long (half-day) bike ride, went out by myself on Sat evening, and mostly avoided her. On Sunday we did our separate things. For the past 2 days I have been working hard all day in my home office with the door closed, and we each went our own ways in the evenings. It has been a sort of mutually agreed deescalation. I GAL. She GALs. We don't talk about anything important.
Last night I went out for happy hour, and came home at a pre-arranged time so she could go out with her friends. I went to sleep early and was asleep when she got back.
I skipped my morning workout this morning to sleep in. We ended up snuggling for an hour or so - half hugging, half sleeping, no talking - until the kids got impatient and got us up. First time we have touched since the blowup last week. I initiated, but she responded as if she had been waiting for me to initiate. Not sure if that counts as pursuing, but...
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Yesterday I went out for drinks with a good friend of mine who is also going through M troubles - has been for a while. His was a similar sitch, a distant M followed by an A, except that in his sitch he was "the cheater". He is now 2 years into a long slow reconciliation.
I for his opinion on my recent debates regarding transparency - i.e. should I stay strong and keep insisting on it even though right now it appears to be doing more harm (creating resentment in her) than good (rebuilding trust for me)(see my earlier threads for details). His response as one who now has to provide transparency himself: "Stay strong and insist on it. That's what I'd want my wife to expect from me"
Last edited by Thinker; 05/20/0902:28 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Just found this post by gucci loafer on AlexEN's thread. It applies to me so much that I decided to reposted it here.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
There is one big key............
SELF ESTEEM... I would encourage you to put almost all of your focus on YOUR self esteem... Working to the point where you say to yourself... "I am so great, I amaze myself."
"Boy, I sure look good tonight"
"Life is good"
"I may even be liking this single life"
"What did I ever see in HER"
"Who would even want to be with someone who doesn't want them anyway" (this would you be advising a friend who is pining for a woman who left him for another man and yet he keeps beating his head against the wall wondering why it hurts)
Self esteem is the key........ Seek it, search for it. You will find it. Make yourself happy. Let your wife see that you are ENJOYING life. Go out and have fun. Stay out all night with your buddies talking about old times..........
Keep working out because it not only makes you feel better about yourself, but also helps the mental sharpness at work, in decision making, in relationships...
Throw the kids on her more. Let her have some responsibility while you play and enjoy life......
Let all things roll off your back.. Let her FEEL that you really have let go. Be nice to her. Be thoughtful, but no hint of romance or wanting her back.
This is where your answer will come to you. You will then realize that you feel good enough about yourself that you won't need our advice, but will be giving advice to others. Others will be attracted to you like never before.
Have fun. Be funny. Laugh endlessly.....
That is the key. Have you ever analyzed men who are successful with women and why? Why is it the guy who isn't good looking and is balding and has a spare tire has so many women after him?
It is because he exudes confidence, acts happy, laughs and jokes with the women, teases them, and enjoys their company.
Start with self esteem. Seek it.
My self esteem was on a downward trend over the past years in our bad M, and took a major hit with the EA and Bomb. I have made HUGE progress here in the past 4 months, but can see that I need to keep on it.
I'm leaving my W alone with the kids tonight and going for a spin with the local cycling club - lots of fun for me!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Answering a question that Coach asked me on SmileysPerson's thread. The topic was How and Why reading R books puts pressure on a WAS.
I copied it here rather than continue to Hijack SP's thread.
Originally Posted By: Thinker
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
"You are NOT LISTENING to me! You keep reading this "psychobabble" and trying to change and do things to fix it but IT CAN'T BE FIXED. I keep telling you that." etc etc.
"I understand what you said about IT. Me trying to grow isn't about IT, my reading is about me becoming the best man I can."
Don't back down off of doing something healthy for you. Listen to what your W says and refute some of her "psychobabble." Why do you think she really gets upset at you?
Good point Coach - have to think about that one. Maybe by keeping the books out of sight and not reading them in front of my W I am just avoiding conflict. Maybe I should be upfront and make my W deal with the fact that I am reading them.
Once again that fine line...what is too much pressure on the WAW?
The Question that struck me after reading this a few times was "Why do you think she really gets upset at you?"
Pondering -- I think there are several possible answers:
1) R Books == Pressure from H: Several years ago when we first started talking about our M and first started seeing a C, I started buying and reading R books. At that point it was Mort Fertel and Harley's "His Needs Her Needs". They are pretty prescriptive - ie in order to fall back in love you each need to do a, b, c, etc.
At this time I DID put lots of pressure on her to read the books and I DID try to use the books to show that I was right. Both wrong things to do, I know, but I can't go back and change that now.
2) R Books == expectation to work on M: She knows that R books present the view that "A M can be saved and you can fix it by doing x, y, z". Her interpretation of me reading an R book is that I am going to then try to do x, y, and z to try to fix the M, and she does not want that pressure.
3) (really starting to mind read) R books == scary changes in H and fear the W will get left: I think she sees the changes that I am making and is confused and scared by some of them. I am mind reading here, but she may see the books as a problem and something that she can't control. In fact, she may be starting to be afraid that I am going to grow, and grow away from her, and that I may be the one who leaves her - a big change from her initial fantasies.
This third view point may explain / be bolstered by her recent sudden irrational fear that I was about to come out of the closet, declare myself to be homosexual, and leave her for another man. I am REALLY not sure where that came from, but she was suddenly really very afraid of it. When I reassured her that this was absolutely not the case she responded "Good, because if you were, that would be a deal-breaker for her in the M!"...
...That would be a deal breaker for her???? -- of course it would - by definition!! I'd be leaving her!
But I am now starting to interpret the whole thing as her building up real fears that I am growing, I am moving on, and she is the one who is going to get left.
Last edited by Thinker; 05/20/0909:20 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Do you now see how tweaking your thoughts just a little changes your emotions and then your actions? Just by disputing why she is upset to a positive reason from a negative one changes your demeanor. You are doing something good and healthy for yourself don't let your W or anyone take that away. You don't control her but you are in control (I know how hard this is) of yourself. Now take it a step further and love her more now. Keep doing the loving actions for yourself, her and your family. Your W is watching you, use that knowledge and lead her back to you. Patience, wisdom, understanding and love. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I had a particularly good GAL day today. I took off right after work and, for the first time, joined a local cycle club on one of their regular evening rides.
Awesome!
About 16 guys showed up, all from my town and including several who live within a few blocks of me and whom I had just never met. Everyone was extremely friendly and welcoming and we set off for a 2-hour (30+ mile) ride through some really pretty countryside that I didn't even know existed near our house. High speeds, curvy roads and and a big pack of cyclists leads to a lot of adrenaline and a great workout, and when we finally got back someone broke out a cooler full of beer.
I've been cycling for a while now, but never knew it was so popular and sociable here.
New friends, a competitive environment, a great workout, a social hour, and a chance to do it again every week...what could be better.
(well, don't answer that question )
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
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