Thanks Kenn......I know you and PH are totally right. I have been trying to implement PH's suggestions into my day.
I do need to work on myself. I have been thinking that I have really taken the back seat in my own life and this is partly why this whole sitch is very difficult for me. I have not done anything for myself/to enhance or enrich myself in the last 2 years! I cannot believe that I have just given up on myself!
It's something I need to work on right now. And, this is not going to be easy for me or quick........which makes me feel down about what will happen to my M. If I am not improving myself....how can I expect my M to improve? It won't. I am going to need time myself though.
I found out today that I failed the test I took the day before H gave me D papers! I failed by one point! ARRG! It was embarressing as I had to let my employer know and I felt like I let myself down. They were understanding and just said try again!
H called today about business stuff and asked if I got my results. I told him and he launched into a 1.5 hr lecture on how I am just not living up to my potential and how it pains him to see me not try to reach my potential! He says he feels like he is always in a tug of war with me when it comes to my personal progress. I just listened. I did not know what else to do. He is right. I can only try to change now. I cannot change the past. And there may be nothing I can say or do to convince him that I am changing my ways.
Is this why he filed for D? I know it cannot be easy with a trailing spouse, but is H disgusted with me? I don't know...but, it would seem like it. H asked if I was doing anything for fun....I told him about starting the belly dancing DVD...he said he was glad and "it would help loosen me up and relax me"....That speaks volumes too, huh?
He just told me alot, I think. I am not sure how to proceed.
I applied for the exam again and will start studying tomorrow!
He said he was going to get a book and start quizing me.......I said "no, I will manage my own exam. This is something I need to do on my own."
He asked that I text him when I set a date for the exam.....I said, "Are you saying you want to get involved?" and he said "well......no, I do not want to get involved, but..." He did not finish the sentence and I have no idea what is going on in his head. I felt like he forgot for a second he has filed for D.
Anyways, today was rough. But, I have a lot of plans for tomorrow. One thing is for sure, I have a lot of work to do on myself. And....I already feel like I have run out of time....
But, I will perservere......even if I lose H, I am going to work on me until I am living the life I have always wanted to live.
