Stuck, I think I had somewhat opposite dynamics in my marriage as yours. My ex-h was the father figure AND nice guy, and I cheated with the bad boy. And yes, this all happened during a time when I was immersed in "baby" intimacy, but my ex-h and I didn't strengthen "our" intimacy. Its easy to see in hindsight.
I guess I am different than many in that my A was always shameful to me, I never felt like he was my "soul mate", I always knew it was wrong and always feared getting caught. I was not getting the "love" high out of it, I was getting the "sex" high from it. Therefore it was always very shameful to me and I didn't understand why I kept going back for it. And by "it" I only mean flirting and talking and hanging out. This type of EA went on for nearly the whole A and I only slept with him 3 times at the very end. So nearly the whole thing was purely EA but highly sexually charged in nature, and then we sickingly "did it" finally...and then I ended it quickly, knowing I must be insane as this man was a horrible person.
I apparently was, too, I concluded.
So not only would I have left OM in the dust if my H had given me an ultimatum, I actually gave myself the ultimatum and left OM in the dust way before my ex-h ever knew (for sure) about the A. He had suspected it, but never confronted me. If he had, I would have fallen apart and begged forgiveness. I kept the secret for 4 years and then DID fall apart, confess, and begged forgiveness.
As you can see, many variations in people's stories exist, so its best to do lots and lots of reading to fully understand a very big picture.
In many ways, my story is unlike others here, as I was repentent always from the start (and during) and did not blame my ex-h at all at that time, or now. I still regret it all, and I don't think most WAW's will say that they regret their actions to you NOW....but give them all 10 years or so....I think every one comes to terms eventually with ways they've hurt people. EVERYONE.
