WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[SmileysPerson]

We're all confused by this WAW, and not just in PA....

Your roller-coaster sure has more hills than mine. I'm no DB-Meister like PortlandDad or Coach to be sure, but you seem to be handling things with a pretty sure hand, at least outwardly.

I think this insight of yours -- there's a fine-line between support/validation and pressure -- is pretty solid, and you seem to be walking that fine line pretty well.

Purely as a devil's advocate, you could consider the possibility that you're walking it too well, that you're making it too easy for WAW. She can always "dip into the well" of good-will, so to speak, whenever she needs it, and this helps keep the wolves at bay.

Puppy Dog Tails has pretty remarkable insights and ideas on this question -- just how much pain should one let WAW endure? Is it instructive for WAH/W to see what the Reality is "really" like without us?

It's somewhat like the way kids find excuses to sneak into your bed -- sounds, monsters, bad dreams, etc. At some point you tell the kid to suck it up and work it out.

On the one hand, you (me, everyone) would be afraid that this would push WAW/H away, right? "Oh, well, since you're not there for me anymore...." On the other, maybe it would push WAW/H away just enough so that they see what flying solo really means.

In any event, I'll defer to Puppy on this, since I find his thoughts to be far more cogent than my own.

[PMA_Baby!]

I think the convo went great. You are doing and saying everything right. I think the "seed of doubt" has been planted and is starting to sprout a little bit. Just keep on VALIDATING. You don't want her to come back out of GUILT. It will only lead to more RESENTMENT by her. When your boys are laying on guilt for mommy to come home I would intervene and defend her by saying mommy just needs time right now and change the subject. You want her to know your on her side again. Like you said, it's ALL about rebuilding that TRUST and RESPECT. I would go DIM again. No return calls till tonight or wait to see her at the game. You are busy GALing and Working remember ;-) Keep the mystery building. Keep the chase on for her.

PMA

[confusedinpa]

Purely as a devil's advocate, you could consider the possibility that you're walking it too well, that you're making it too easy for WAW. She can always "dip into the well" of good-will, so to speak, whenever she needs it, and this helps keep the wolves at bay.

Your point is definitely a concern of mine. My therapist had warned me about not having boundaries so I may actually be enabling her to leave easier.

My nature is to swing to the extremes of what I'm doing. When I went Dark/Dim, she said I was cold and mean and to the point she thought I had given up that the marriage could still work.

So now, when I'm with her, I try to act as if everything is fine and be the best CIPA I can be. When she calls all emotional, I provide that same level of support

When she calls just to chit chat, I try to end the call quickly but politely.

This is a very tough line to toe....

[confusedinpa]

I think the convo went great. You are doing and saying everything right. I think the "seed of doubt" has been planted and is starting to sprout a little bit. Just keep on VALIDATING. You don't want her to come back out of GUILT. It will only lead to more RESENTMENT by her. When your boys are laying on guilt for mommy to come home I would intervene and defend her by saying mommy just needs time right now and change the subject. You want her to know your on her side again. Like you said, it's ALL about rebuilding that TRUST and RESPECT. I would go DIM again. No return calls till tonight or wait to see her at the game. You are busy GALing and Working remember ;-) Keep the mystery building. Keep the chase on for her.

PMA

That's an excellent point on having her feel guilty to come back. I don't want her to feel resentful about coming back. I told her yesterday that I would want her to come back only when she feels like she wants to/is ready to.

I don't know if its seeds of doubt or she is just feeling sad as the boys are sad or the reality is just starting to hit her as she is no longer able to keep busy with unpacking/setting up her apartment. Whatever it is, she is in a very tough place emotionally. I do feel for her.

She did try to call me twice today (within a span of 30 minutes). I couldn't/didn't answer it as I was in the middle of a meeting. I was tempted to call her back but she didn't leave a message. It would have been around the time of when could be calling to go out to lunch. Don't know. I am so tempted to call her back now, but figured I would just wait.

I do have an appointment to talk to my lawyer to figure out what to do about child support so I got that this afternoon. This child support thing couldn't come at a worse time. Everytime I think we may be reconnecting, something divorce related comes up that reminds her that she wants to leave/divorce. Very frustrating....

I will wind up calling her in the afternoon as last nite she asked me to call her to let her know what was going on for dinner before my 3 year old's baseball.

So confusing.....

[confusedinpa]

Now I'm even more confused. I just talked to WAW friend. She thinks that I could just be her shoulder to cry on to get through this point for her.

She suggested I say "I don't mean to be insensitive but this hurts me too. I want us to get back together and when things like this happens it gives me hope. If there really isn't any hope, it just adds to my hurt."

Then again, at the same time, my WAW friends says that she would never for a million years ever call her ex-husbands (this is the second time around she is a WAW) as a shoulder to cry on. So she is confused about that as well.

My WAW friend will be at baseball tonite, so she said she would try and keep an eye out as to what my wife was feeling/acting.

Anybody else have this type of behavior by a WAW?

[PMA_Baby!]

Your friend is just trying to help. The point of coming to this board is to get multiple perspectives. As you have been told before. YOU r the ONLY EXPERT on your Situation. You know your WAW better then anyone. All we can do is offer advice and comments based on your posts. From what you have written I see that your W is CONFUSED. Which means she will be going back and forth on the same emotional rollercoaster that you're on. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If she wasn't confused you might be Divorced already. I'm guessing that's not what you want. So keep on doing what your doing and keep on working on YOU. That is why everyone on here talks about working on OURSELVES because we all know the WAS's have NO idea what they want. YOU can't worry about that or YOU will just go crazy reacting to every little thing or gesture they make.

Keep on keeping on! PMA

[confusedinpa]

PMA_Baby!

Thanks for your insight

I agree with everything you said except that the only person who knows my WAW better right now is my WAW. Now if she's confused then what hope do I have of understanding her?

I do hope that she is confused. Although last Friday's call where she broke down in tears again, she was very clear when she said she hasn't changed her mind. She did say last nite that she was sad about the situation. Still not sure what this all means

Right now, I'm going to continue what I'm doing, whatever that maybe at times as I don't understand what I'm doing at times. I am trying to continue to work on me for me and my boys.

Once I get a signed support agreement from her, I may reevaluate what my approach his. I just hope that my current approach is right and if its not, that its not too late to change it at that point. Maybe that's when I'll say what my WAW friend suggested. Timing seems to be so important

I still beat myself up at how I told my wife that I loved her enough not to stand in her way if she felt she wanted to go. I did that right before I took the boys up to CT for the weekend. I think I should have waited till I was going to be around. Then again, she had already scheduled an apt with a realtor to sell the house

It is hard

[MrBond]

"Now if she's confused then what hope do I have of understanding her?"

Exactly! You can't understand her right now, so don't bother.

Keep on what you're doing and let her figure things out on her own.

As for your friend who was the WAW twice, have you ever asked her why she left both her H? While she offers and interesting insight for you, your W is much more open to a reconciliation than your friend was it seems.

Keep on with the GAL.

[confusedinpa]

As for your friend who was the WAW twice, have you ever asked her why she left both her H? While she offers and interesting insight for you, your W is much more open to a reconciliation than your friend was it seems.

I had asked my WAW friend about that. Her first husband they got married because she was pregnant. She said that she had broken up with him quite a few times, never going out for more than 3 months at a time before breaking up. But when she got pregnant, she thought she would "do the right thing" and get married. Turned out he was an alcoholic who would drink a case of beer and bottle of wine every nite.

The second time around, she left because the day after they got married, she said he turned into the typical male chavenistic pig that said that a woman's place was in the kitchen and treated her like a second class citizen. She said it was such a drastic change where she felt like she was put on a pedastal before the marriage that she was ready to leave after the first month. But then she got pregnant so she tried to stick it out for her son. She said that she told him that she was leaving if things didn't change but he just laughed in her face because he didn't believe her. So after 4 years of that, she left.

[MrBond]

Did any of them pursue her afterwards and try to change? If not, then I can see what she became the WAS.