New day...new thread...

[25yearsmlc]

Two BIG points A/K...

I totally disagree with your legal analysis. I AM A L and I hired one for MY sitch. I'd never dream I know more than the specialists do, even when I've graduated from law school and handled about 20 divorces for friends myself. I'd never hire the same one my h is and you are operating under some false assumptions. You distrust Lawyers so much and yet You say similar things about therapists, and I am wondering if there's some sort of issue you have with the ones who finished schooling or whatever..."penny wise and pound foolish" is ONE phrase that comes to mind. And you do a disservice to those who's expertise may seem to you to be "easy" but that's b/c you don't know what you don't know, no offense.

Just b/c my h can do a spinal cord implant in under 30 minutes does not mean it didn't take him 13 years of POST high school training (college, med school, internship and residency and fellowship) to learn how to do it safely. I can do a will & Trust in 15 minutes - thanks to the thousands I did in the First Gulf War,...and the years I went to school, and the cases I've seen where the wills withstood challenges, and the software available that makes it so I know what questions to ask. I had 34 people come in with "homemade wills" off the internet and NOT ONE of them passed probate. Just such a tragic and sad drag to tell a widow that her h is not just dead; he also left her nothing, since the will was done or executed incorrectly or incompletely...hope I'm making my point. (But think of the savings! He didn't have to hire a Lawyer! Hope I'm making my point.) Can't think of anything I'd rather save money on LESS, than medical care and the rights to my children and property...

Mediation is nice...AFTER YOU SPEAK TO A L WHO ONLY REPRESENTS YOU....I cannot fathom why you'd think mediation is the goal BEFORE getting a L. IN MY BOOK you figure out what your rights are first before you decide to start compromising which is what mediation is....which is fine....but geez...

Let the L tell you to work it out in mediation if you can. ALL the L's I know would tell you that, so unless you only know sleaze balls, I'd say your POV is skewed pretty negatively. Heck, MY L talked me out of fiiling for a div and suggested I file the SEP instead b/c she said SHE still had "hope for our M"! So my experience is so different than yours. I have liked every lawyer we've had to hire or consult with.


The times I've seen the L bills skyrocket are when husbands or wives call their L's to tell their spouses' L that for instance, the wife wants to switch days and refuses to call her h directly. Or the h wants to pay 5% less since he now takes the kids to church on Sundays so he has them 5% more of their waking hours and blah blah blah TRUE EXAMPLES....

It's a power struggle they put the L's into and the L's get to bill for it but MOST lawyers find it stupid and annoying. Real legal issues are interesting & worth arguing but crappy little things that any mature couple can work out SHOULD be worked out without a L. That is not the fault of the L's. And if a time comes when he makes more money, AND he does not hide it and he does not mismanage it b/c somehow he'll be all better about it then...sure you can go after more...but if the time comes and he has a new woman, don't expect to ever know what he earns, or what she earns, or what she tells him to justify keeping more of it. Your trust in him, particularly in view of his money phobia is confusing to me but then--

2nd thing--I'm very confused by you. You say wildly varying things about wth is going on in your sitch. Your h lives elsewhere, correct? he told your sister it's over and that he "tried", correct? He said he'd go to c FOR YOU, correct?

Now you say he is planning or willing to work on the R....???? WTH? Is this some sort of game?

Which is it? Is this just a vacation of his? He wants to stay M but only legally or only part time? If this IS a time out, and he's willing to work on the M, then why don't you just do that? What's to tell the kids? Why not just Give him space and see what happens and give yourself a time limit internally, (not to disclose to him b/c that's an ultimatum and you are not capable of enforcing one in my opinion at this time and the worst thing to do is to give an ultimatum and NOT back it up. It'll undermine you forever.) Also YOU said he asked for a rub down and a HJ but won't take you out anywhere and acts single on the outside...am I hallucinating? Didn't you tell us that somewhere here?

See, I could have sworn I read somewhere that he won't file himself but sees that you might...sometime....he wants out b/c he wants OW or has already or doesn't want to feel AS guilty (since we know he already feels guilty, as I thought he said that too, or maybe it was you mind reading) and he misses you guys but can't/won't go home b/c... then ....what? it'll be bad??...he can't promise or provide you a set amount of money each month, but nor does he want to see the bills... and he has a horrible track record financially (yet you think, somehow that seeing your relative L together THEN you guys can come up with some sort of financial plan that will HELP YOUR Position financially....what's so magic about the L seeing the two of you together? Like you are a team? You are not a team. If you were a team, this sitch would not exist. He's the player and you are the cheerleader. Do you think that someone else can fix all this and then it'll be fine??---

Yes your tangent about the 10 y/o was way off. You don't know her or me or the situation and you went off about how we cause kids' cancer....and you almost missed the entire point to make some odd point of your own... I think you probably want to tell me about how doctors and modern medicine created her cancer and if only she knew you, or some other secret thing that you know, then nothing bad would have happend to her and.... blah blah blah. No offense, but yes Bad things do happen to good people. Harold Kushner wrote a book called "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" you might want to read. No matter how controlling and frightened and careful and cautious and SAFELY you think you live your life, It's not all preventable and sometimes lousy things DO happen and the only thing we can do is cope with the cards we are dealt. This explains a bit about why you are still going around the same loop in your head. You cannot believe that this is happening TO YOU...been there, done that. IT IS WHAT IT IS...There are no time machines to get a re-do, so you cannot get a guarantee your h won't do this again (like he can't get a guarantee you won't still manipulate for outcome control OR hold this over his head Or punish him or withdraw or whatever or die...) or that you'll always be healthy and etc. You have to face reality and move forward. I guess I'm a tad offended b/c you are so paranoid and suspicious that you refuse good advice b/c you think your fears mean you know more. But they just mean you are more fearful.

You ONLY control your reaction and so far you are still so fear based on things...
that your choices have not been good ones. Don't know what else to say. I want to help you but you have to change/help yourself and what I see over and over are requests for tips on how to deal with your h and the situation. Not how to grow as a woman or spiritual person or mother etc. What you want are tactics, not changes.

Those won't work. And for the record, you may write a lot but I am still so unclear about your explanation for why you stopped going dark when it got him to change the way he treated you. Are you saying that HIS "discomfort", hurt him or meant he was sad, and therefore you stopped going dark, and you are now instead choosing to tolerate crappy behavior from him, which YOU have admitted is intolerable? And do you believe that is good for YOU? Do you believe it is good for him? Do you believe he'll look back on how he mistreated you, and feel proud of himself? If you had stayed dark and just coped with HIS discomfort, he might have grown.

Why does that terrify you more than what you have now?

(( j ))