I am so happy for you and your little family! Faithful has given you some great advice, and I second him on the 6-12 moths time frame. You guys are going to be so gung-hp on paying off that debt and you have a tangible goal for afterwards, that you will knock it out faster to get to your goal!
Keep us updated!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I hope you and your family had a wonderful Easter! How are things progressing?
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
The multitudes of us who have been praying for you hope that all is well with you and your W!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Well, here is a progress report. My wife and I continued to spend more time together, whether it be doing errands or going to the park as a family, etc. Whenever we are in public, she introduces me as her husband and that simply feels so good. This past weekend we were at her place and it was the first time since the big D I was holding her in my arms while we were watching TV. Also, I've been spending more time with her family and she told her best friend that she is moving out in about 1.5 years to get back with me.
That said, I am concern that she might have some unrealistic expectations regarding our finances. Although I make what I would consider to be okay money, the truth is that we cannot afford to have a house/loft like the one she is currently living in, even with my new job. She wants to live in a particular neighborhood that has a good school district and/or send our daughter to private school. I understand the need to have our daughter go to a good school, but at the same time I have to be honest with what I can and cannot afford. I told her my concerns and that we have to live within our means. Her best friend is a police officer with no college degree so she is having a hard time understanding why a person from Harvard cannot afford what her best friend can.
She's made the comment several times that I want to put the family in some run-down house and that really hurts to hear that as nothing can be further from the truth. I sometimes wonder if that will be a deal breaker for her. Maybe I am thinking to much into this, but this does worry me a bit. The other day she told me that I didn't care as much for our daughter as I should since I wasn't committed to sending her to a good school/school district. I am currently living really tight so I can pay off debt, save money for a down payment, etc - I sometimes wonder if she realizes all I am trying to do for the family.
I am so in love with my wife and so much want us to be a family again. I am glad that we are moving in the right direction and that us getting re-married is becoming more of a reality. That said, I am not at a point where I feel that can really express my feelings for her just yet. I am a very affectionate person and am the type that loves to hear and say I love you on a daily basis. Right now I don't think my wife is ready to hear that. I think she needs time to fully digest that we are truly getting back together and perhaps build some more trust.
Things sure have come a long way since I started this process. Right now my wife and I are still working on building that trust and rekindling our love for each other. We continue to fall a sleep on the phone almost every single night and we've gotten to a point where she fells comfortable with me being more affectionate towards her. That said, I still feel like there is still a thin wall between us - it's hard to explain but I feel like I cannot tell her I love her yet without scaring her away.
The other day she was telling me that she does not want the child support to go away after we get married. I felt like that was a sign she simply didn't trust me enough. I responded by telling her that I understand why she would feel that way and if that had to continue in order for us to be together - than that's fine. But that I expected that within time that would eventually go away. My guess is that she still has some doubts on how committed I'm really am and perhaps I just need to validate her more.
That said, I am still deeply in love with my wife. I truly want us to be together, get married and be a family again. I am also finding that I am a little rusty when it comes to keeping up a conversation. I sometimes find it hard to come up with things to talk about and maybe I am just trying too hard and just need to be myself. I use to read a lot and lately with my new job, I really haven't read much so maybe that's why.
Regarding our money situation, I am still trying to live tight so I can pay down debt, save $$$ for a down payment and get married. So far I've been doing good and sticking with our budget. My wife wants us to get married within a year rather than a year and a half - so I am going to try to make that happen.
I think right now I am in a stage where I really need to prove to my wife that I am here for the long haul. I know that we still got issues that need to be ironed out, but I am determined to show her that I am never letting go.
I'm a little down right now. My W called me early this morning just to talk and things were going great until she asked me if I would buy her a new headboard for her bed. I told her that I would think about it but that we were trying to save money for a new house and to pay off debt. She got upset and told me to just forget about it - that it was going to take us 5 years to get together because I was so cheap, etc etc.
That really hurts. I am really sacrificing and trying my hardest to get us back together. I know that my W's primary love language is gifts, but right now I simply cannot afford to buy high ticket items until we can move into our new house. I try to do little things like write her cards, run errands for her, etc to show her that I appreciate and love her, but I sometimes feel that that is not enough. I am really frustrated right now and a little sad. A part of me feels that no matter what I do, my W will never love me as much as I love her. I think she still has trust issues with me and is afraid to let her guard down completely.
I love my W more than anything in the world and I so much want us to have a happy, passionate, affectionate and fulfilling relationship. It's just that when she makes comments like the one she had this morning and then has a fit about it, it makes me wonder and second guess myself. We've come such a long way since I first began this process and this just confirms that we still got a lot of work to do. This morning I almost gave in and brought the headboard (which was going to run about $700) - but I didn't want to be a pushover. At the same time, I don't want to appear like I am cheap. Later that morning we went out to eat breakfast and she was telling me that she wants to buy things piece by piece before we get the house rather than all at once. I can see her point of view, but she thinks that I am set in my ways and unflexible. I do tend to analyze, ask questions and evaluate things, especially when it comes to purchases (that's the economist in me), but I also would rather be happy than right. Maybe I should just give in and buy the headboard - ahhh - what to do. But I do want to make sure our finances are on track.
That said, I still feel like there is still a thin wall between us - it's hard to explain but I feel like I cannot tell her I love her yet without scaring her away.
So, why don't you start by telling her that you want to prove your love through your actions...then buy the headboard! From what you've told us, it doesn't appear that your wife is generally wasteful with money....is she? If you can learn that your wife won't always see things your way....and vice versa...you'll be about 20 years quicker than I was in learning that lesson! I realized way too late how controlling I was in almost every way...finances...disciplining the kids...whatever. We even had a cute name for it....a FaithfulH-a-thon. Eventually it wasn't funny!
I am happy that you continue to show your wife unconditional love....even when you are hurting! Your wife didn't mean it when she said it would be 5 years before you are together. It sounds like she was very frustrated at the time. 3 words, LoveNoMatterWhat....Patience, Patience....more Patience.
She got the call today One out of the gray And when the smoke cleared It took her breath away She said she didn't believe It could happen to me I guess we're all one phone call from our knees We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls And all the stars fade We'll still be singing this song The one they can't take away I'm gonna get there soon She's gonna be there too Cryin' in her room Prayin' Lord come through We're gonna get there soon
Oh it's your light Oh it's your way Pull me out of the dark Just to show me the way Cryin out now From so far away You pull me closer to love Closer to love
Meet me once again Down off Lake Michigan Where we could feel the storm blowin Down with the wind And don't apologize For all the tears you've cried You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon You're gonna be there too Cryin' in your room Prayin' Lord come through We're gonna get there soon
Oh it's your light Oh it's your way Pull me out of the dark Just to show me the way Cryin out now From so far away You pull me closer to love Closer to love
Cause you are all that I've waited for All of my life (We're gonna get there) You are all that I've waited for All of my life
You pull me closer to love hu huuh Closer to love hu huuuh Pull me closer to love You pull me closer to love Closer to love oh no Closer to love Closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Yes, Thank you for that reminder. It is so easy to forget how important DBing is and I think I toke that for granted these last few weeks. What got me to this place is the very thing I must continue to do.
I so much want things to be how they use to be when we were first married, but I know that in spite of the progress we made, healing is a process that takes time and I cannot rush my wife into having specific emotions when she is not ready yet. Lately I have been showing some signs of neediness and I know that that is never a good thing. I love my wife so much, but I know that she is still recovering from the damage I did to her. So I need to give her all the time, space and no pressure so she can learn to love and trust me - which will always be a perpetual process.
Today she was telling me that she needs to know that when things get tough that I am not going to leave her or our daughter. I told her that the past does not equal the future and that I am never letting go no matter what. In retrospect I wish I would have told her that I understand the hurt I put her through and that she could have all the time she needs to heal, etc etc.
Quote:
I realized way too late how controlling I was in almost every way.
I never realized how controlling I was with the finances. Today we were on the road and she was asking me if I wouldn't mind buying her a hamburger. I did, but made some comment about our budget in the process. Ah, what a control freak I am. When we first got married, I complained a lot about our finances and even now I catch myself making the same mistakes. That is one area that I need to work on. The only thing that is preventing us from being together right now is that we both have a lot of debt and I am trying my hardest to reduce that by half and save money for a new house. I tell my Wife that I really want us to be together soon and that I am trying to do what is necessary to get our finances in order to make that happen. But I think I need to learn to let go a bit, do my best to live financially responsibly and realize that things dont' always go according to plans or budgets. You are correct FaithfulH, my W is not a big spender.
I need to really work on myself. I feel so rusted when it comes to relationships (validating feelings, listening, being supportive, flirting, playing around, not being a control freak,etc.) I think overall I've done a good job, but I still think I'm a rookie in this arena. I also need to start working out again (its been about a good month or so since I last worked out). Do you know of any good books to read (i've read mens are from mars/women from venus, fighting for your marriage, the power of commitment and a few other ones).
Lately I have been feeling somewhat sad and inadequate - almost like I am not good enough. Don't know where those feelings are coming from, but I really need to get a PMA, build my confidence and live with more passion. So far things with the job have been going good - so no complaints there. I will keep you posted.
