Sounds like David Cunningham's words if you've ever read him. I think DQ has a point about it being like a drug high. Biologically, the pleasure centers are the same and if you've read alot of the cheating posts, the WASs totally change in light of the A. They literally will travel for miles for their "fix", leaving behind family and home.
You are right that it is a choice. Kind of like cigarettes. They available, but you don't have to smoke them.
"Free will is where it's at, that is where honesty is."
So true!
In terms of attraction, many times the WAS has taken the "attraction" away from the LBS and given it to the OM/OW. You could be Brad Pitt and they still wouldn't be attracted to you. Weird how it turns out.
Confidence, looking good, etc. are great for trying to bring back attraction, however they have to be willing to accept it and trust it. Especially women. They have to feel emotionally attracted to someone before opening themselves up. That means feeling safe not just physically, but emotionally with the spouse.
Plus, "getting back" the attraction from the wayward spouse is harder when there is that OM distraction.
So what to do? Well, I know the cycle has to be broken somehow as I don't think she'll be leaving her job. So I've been doing it through DBing and making myself the person I can be to build confidence in myself and indirectly making myself more "attractive".
However, she's got to determine why she strayed in the first place and be honest about it to herself. After that, then she can talk about her real feelings with me. She's just not at that point. She and the rest of her family have a hard time opening up about emotions, so it's something she has to learn to stop burying or else she'll never be happy no matter who she's with.
Thanks for the comments. More are appreciated.
If you were Brad Pitt, we wouldn't be having these discussions.
Attraction is like a drug high, so is falling in love.
Creating attraction is possible if you know what you're doing.
She strayed in the first place because of attraction.
Originally when you guys hooked up, she was attracted to alot of behaviors that you were exhibiting at the time. However, over time, you began to exhibit behaviors & traits that weren't attractive and she began to seek out those attractive behaviors in someone else, it's a subconscious thing.
She may have even been cruel & mean to you during the beginning of the affair, I haven't read this entire thread but you may have even exhibited weak behaviours like pleading & begging to her to come back and give the marriage another chance, etc. Huge attraction killer - don't ever show you're insecure about yourself & your current situation.
Free will is where it's at. The OM isn't controlling her, she can do whatever she wants and she is attracted to him without him even trying, think about that and all the effort you put into this situation. Time to let go of the "rope", time to stop trying, time to pull away. Have you heard of push/pull theory, look into and live it. Stopping pulling her toward you, she will only push you away even harder. Let go of the notion that you need her, detach, focus on yourself and your own life.
I'm going to say it even though it's not popular, date other women.
Currently there is a perception of value and this ties into the whole attraction issue. She perceives on a subconscious level that you aren't masculine enough, you don't have high value in her eyes, at least not higher than where she is currently. You need to change that. Stop showing you're insecure, stop talking about the relationship, stop working on it, forget about counselling, forget about dating her for the time being, don't buy gifts, don't supplicate her, don't invest any time, effort or resources in her, put it all in you. Once you do this and show that this isn't an act, that it's for real and that you value yourself as much if not more than you value her, she will see this. It's not an overnight thing either so don't expect lightning quick results.
Once she realizes that she can lose you, once she experiences the fear of loss when you start to gain in confidence,security,ambition,self-value,self-respect you will see that she will attempt to pull you back and when that happens, don't give in quickly, make her work for it, make her realize that you are something that is valuable and that she would be foolish to lose you.
We only value things or place value on things when we no longer have them. You only realize something is valuable once it's gone.
You aren't gone, currently you're always there, in her face, getting hugs & kisses from someone who is distant and going through the motions but not really wanting to give hugs & kisses. Don't they feel hollow? Does it feel good to hug someone who isn't really hugging you for real, just trying to act like they are? Surely you can feel the difference.
If the kiss isn't real why kiss her then? If the hug isn't real, why hug her then? If any touch between you & her isn't genuine, why go through the motions?
Are you hoping after a while she will just remember what it's like to be attracted to you and things will just fall into place again? Don't be foolish - this will never happen.
