WAH #4

[volleydog]

My thinking is that we can work on our M while living apart which gives us space to retreat and time to get things right.

I just can't tell him that I know things will be ok by Aug because we have been trying to see each other and get things back on track since the beg of April. He continued to walk out or away when things didn't go his way or he called it quits at least weekly and at least four times in the past two weeks.

He is obviously not as ready as he wants to be. He thinks since he isn't drinking everything else can be worked out - and normally one would agree. However, I am extremely anxious around him - fearful of him walking away or quitting still, arguing, disagreeing, cancelled plans, sabotaging behaviors, and how we are going to deal with our lack of compatability in so many other areas of living. I am reluctant to making any plans with him that he can back out of or overturn or disrupt my life and family. Financially, it is hard on us to live separately but we have lost so much because of his sabotaging behavior in the past. It has been insane living and I don't want to return to that circus. So far, I haven't seen proof that any of this will change and in fact it continues.

You have your answer...YOU ARE NOT READY and HE IS NOT READY...What he wants and what he needs are two different things. You have to worry right now about what you NEED from him and you aren't getting it. Sure he could commit to a year lease and you both realize in Aug that you can live together, yes it would suck money wise but at least then you're sure.

Any ideas on how to understand H behavior or how to deal with it?

and

He thinks since he isn't drinking everything else can be worked out - and normally one would agree.

Stopping the drinking is GREAT but that's only a part of the recovery process. I was the same way "hey I quit what's the problem" but he has to find out and realize what caused him to abuse in the first place. Has he shared his first step with you? Writing out my first step really put things into perspective with me, I didn't want to share it with my W but I did. Just FYI nobody in NA or AA would agree that since he stopped drinking everything else can be worked out, at least nobody that's REALLY following the program.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with, period. He needs to prove to you that he is committed to a full recovery and until YOU feel comfortable, he shouldn't expect anything from you. If he is expecting things from you he isn't into a full recovery, yet.

Just FYI I hope I don't come across as "preachy" because I could be TOTALLY wrong wrt your H, but I want YOU to protect yourself. I know if my W would have taken me back too soon it wouldn't have worked and I would have hurt her even more.