Well....I am in serious confusion mode...I feel as if I have to let go of all "rights" of a wife! Its a difficult transition. So, I am just doing nothing as far as H is concerned. I can't seem to get it right.
As far as my shopping is concerned......let me start by saying I do not like to shop...but, it was not that fruitful and exhausting! I am going to hit some stores again today and try my luck again.
Thanks for your support Kenn. I really appreciate it. Hope u are having a good week so far.
My week was good, thanks for asking. some very confusing stuff myself but I will leave that for later.
So what do you mean all rights as a wife. And what do you mean by dong nothing as far as husband is concerned?
Remember this is a problem your husband is dealing with, yea you may have done some things that he has focused on but unless you never said hi, had sex or beat him every night.... it is just something that has surfaced that he had inserted you into as the focal point.
I think honestly that if you continue to listen to PH and others it is your best chance. I am with you Orchid, it is hard! But some of what you are dealing with is "rejection". You have to look into the future and realize that you are a great person and you will be with someone in the future and will be happy. Stay focused on that, realize the things you can do to make yourself happy and that will make you more attractive.
honestly!!! this is not as much about you as you are allowing yoursel to think. hang in there kido!
It hurts but it is just a transition to a better place
Thanks Kenn......I know you and PH are totally right. I have been trying to implement PH's suggestions into my day.
I do need to work on myself. I have been thinking that I have really taken the back seat in my own life and this is partly why this whole sitch is very difficult for me. I have not done anything for myself/to enhance or enrich myself in the last 2 years! I cannot believe that I have just given up on myself!
It's something I need to work on right now. And, this is not going to be easy for me or quick........which makes me feel down about what will happen to my M. If I am not improving myself....how can I expect my M to improve? It won't. I am going to need time myself though.
I found out today that I failed the test I took the day before H gave me D papers! I failed by one point! ARRG! It was embarressing as I had to let my employer know and I felt like I let myself down. They were understanding and just said try again!
H called today about business stuff and asked if I got my results. I told him and he launched into a 1.5 hr lecture on how I am just not living up to my potential and how it pains him to see me not try to reach my potential! He says he feels like he is always in a tug of war with me when it comes to my personal progress. I just listened. I did not know what else to do. He is right. I can only try to change now. I cannot change the past. And there may be nothing I can say or do to convince him that I am changing my ways.
Is this why he filed for D? I know it cannot be easy with a trailing spouse, but is H disgusted with me? I don't know...but, it would seem like it. H asked if I was doing anything for fun....I told him about starting the belly dancing DVD...he said he was glad and "it would help loosen me up and relax me"....That speaks volumes too, huh?
He just told me alot, I think. I am not sure how to proceed.
I applied for the exam again and will start studying tomorrow!
He said he was going to get a book and start quizing me.......I said "no, I will manage my own exam. This is something I need to do on my own."
He asked that I text him when I set a date for the exam.....I said, "Are you saying you want to get involved?" and he said "well......no, I do not want to get involved, but..." He did not finish the sentence and I have no idea what is going on in his head. I felt like he forgot for a second he has filed for D.
Anyways, today was rough. But, I have a lot of plans for tomorrow. One thing is for sure, I have a lot of work to do on myself. And....I already feel like I have run out of time....
But, I will perservere......even if I lose H, I am going to work on me until I am living the life I have always wanted to live.
Imagine if you were 65 and your husband did this to you. Where would you go, what would you do, how desperate would you be thinking that you won't have anyone because you're not going to meet someone at 65 years old......
sounds kind of desperate eh? But guess what ... you're not. In some ways you are getting a gift. If you look at your life and say wow, I should do this, or I didn't know I had drifted into being like this, or I not the same strong person I use to be....
Imagine if you were given a chance to look at yourself and think I never once read a book about how to make a better realtionship, like say "His Needs/Her Needs" and after reading that you had at least one tool now to use to strengthen your realtionships?
And now at the young age of 35 you are able to be made aware of this and you have a plan to better yourself, and you know there are tools out there that you could have seen.
Don't you think you are going to be so much better off? Don't you think that your next realtionship will have a much better chance of succeeding and taking you into the future where you want to be? And have you looked back at your first post where you talked about a husband that was never going to talk to you but now is calling you and showing concern for your life? Maybe that realtionship is going to be a new one with him.
But maybe in the near future you are going to look at this and say wow... it hurt but what an opprotunity I was given?
Orchid, there are hundreds and hundreds of people out there looking for someone they think is special. You'll get to where you want to be...
Quite frankly I would think you want to be with the guy who wants to help quiz you (that's caring) not the guy that wants to lecture you for 1.5 hours (that's my dad, twenty some years ago).
But if he's talking to you now... you're moving in the right direction. Listen to the people like PH...they know what they are talking about from experience.
Get to a point where you are strong and your relationship is one of equals....
WE'RE going to be great! Just looking at it from the wrong angle. That tends to happen when the rug is yanked out from under you
Is it just me or are your test results and his opinion of you NONE of his freakin' business. Barf, he thinks it is his job to fix you. I don't know, it really rubs me wrong reading that!
Seriously, other more experienced posters...why should he be quizing, commenting, asking for text notification? Too paternal for my taste.
Orchid, you think part of your self esteem issues have something to do with being married to someone who doesn't think you've got the gumption to do it yourself?? I'm sure it is a dynamic that you play into (chicken or the egg) but, self esteem doesn't always have to take long. If you start taking care of yourself and accomplishing even the tiniest of things on your own, you're building self esteem.
I'm sad that you care if you disgust him (though I totally get it). What the heck does he think about himself if he needs to project onto you like that...whoa, something hit a nerve for me here.
On the upside, no kids, right? So you can focus 100% on you and kick a** and does he need to know everything you're doing? Even the belly dancing comment seems so backhanded.
Uh, just my maybe not so humble enough opinion here...
You are so right! I read over that post and my first post and hmmm....actually I am not that desperate! I am 35 years old, am a good person, have amazing friends, have a great family, and totally love my career. Not a life of someone who is desperate. It is never too late. It is my life and it will never be too late!
I went to a conference yesterday and it was amazing, I met this 85 year old woman who was so spunky that I just......was wowed! You really are as old and desperate as YOU think you are! Its in your mind.
I heard a great quote yesterday....."Your mind makes a great servant, but a tyrannical master" and it is true! I cannot tell myself all these derogatory things and let my mind rule me. I will tell it what I am thinking and feeling and do things to consolidate that positivity!
I have been taking alot of time this week......on myself. I don't owe him any explanation and I am angry that he thought he could talk to me in that way. I think PH would have said to just hang up during that lecture! I will keep that in mind next time.
H called yesterday and apologized. I did not pick up or call him back. He called again and I picked up and he said he was sorry about the lecture and making me feel bad and he is sorry. I was surprised....and said "ok, apology accepted. Thanks for calling to apologize. I have gotta run." and hung up. I don't know if that was the right way to behave, but I realized I did not want to speak to him!
I have so much to do and talking to him and thinking about him just takes so much energy out of me.....and anyways, he doesn't want to talk about anything that matters, so why should I have to keep any sort of conversation flowing? Right?
I was thinking of emailing him last night....something to make him see that he has become my father.....but then decided against that even. I don't want to initiate anything. I am not trying to fix him and please don't try to fix me!
I think you are totally right.....and in hindsight, I should have said exactly that. I screwed up there! He has no right to quiz/comment/lecture or have any rights to my life. It is totally paternal! YUCK! It makes me so angry!
Well, as far as my self esteem and my marriage. I don't think that has much to do with him.....we all have weaknesses that we are trying to overcome and this is one of mine. I have always been dealing with the idea that I am not good enough. It has been there before I met him and it will be there after him. I am a work in progress.
I know I can do whatever I want to by myself. I just have to start acting and doing things that show that - in deed! I have started doing that this week.
I do not care if I disgust him or if I let him down or whatever. I will not apologize for who I am. I do not disgust myself and I don't want to be around someone who would think that of me.
We do not have kids.........luckily.....I can actually pick up my life and move forward. He does not need to know anything and it is my choice to bring him into my life.....even one percent.
If this has any chance at working....we have some major dynamics that we need to change! I am no longer interested in the R we have been having for the last year, at least!
I have to try to not tell him what I am doing in my life. It is none of his business. ARRG! What do I say when he asks? I guess, I could just be silent.....or just say, "its none of your business".
Well, as far as my self esteem and my marriage. I don't think that has much to do with him.....we all have weaknesses that we are trying to overcome and this is one of mine. I have always been dealing with the idea that I am not good enough. It has been there before I met him and it will be there after him. I am a work in progress.
You are light years ahead of some people!!! Seriously.
I think the past few days I have been getting out of the house to actually do things.....but, by the end of the day....sleep does not come.........and the loneliness really creeps in....there is only so much of 'Will & Grace', I can watch! I never thought I would say that!!
Initially the mornings were tough.....now the evenings seem to be more difficult.
Today was very productive. I received confirmation of my application for my exam. I went shopping and bought some perfume that I have been wanting for such a long time......Channel's Chance.....and then had luck today with some clothing.
I was supposed to have dinner with a friend, but she got caught up at work and so, I got some take out and came home and put in the movie "love actually". I had not seen it before. It was decent.
I am starting a novel tonight called "Rashi's Daughter" by Maggie Anton. The synopsis sounds like it should be an interesting read!
I know I can do whatever I want to by myself. I just have to start acting and doing things that show that - in deed! I have started doing that this week.
I really like this attitude. It is something I need to start telling and believing myself!
Quote:
We do not have kids.........luckily.....I can actually pick up my life and move forward. He does not need to know anything and it is my choice to bring him into my life.....even one percent.
I agree, the hard part(for me anyway) is changing and deciding to NOT bring him into your life because it has been that way for so long. I know I can be without him eventho I don't necessarily want to.
Quote:
I have to try to not tell him what I am doing in my life. It is none of his business. ARRG! What do I say when he asks?
I struggle with this too, while I haven't actually seen H recently when I do he always asks these things (I suppose maybe its a good sign that he wants to know?) But I never know how to answer them without answering the questions?!?
Let me know if you guys use anything that works. I feel like 'its none of your business' is a bit harsh. but maybe he needs it!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
