Divorce looming #13

[K4D]

I asked W if we could change up the schedule a bit for the girls to where we could each see them a little more often than every other week. She got irritated and said maybe we can do dinner in the middle of the week. But other than that, she is not interested.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Well I think a dinner mid week makes more sense than shuffling the girls overnight around from house to house during a school week does.

Also I don't get how you going for more custody, or 50 50 will cost you. You earn much less than she does, so that's that. The more custody you have, the more SHE pays YOU...if you have 50/50 she still has to help out with the bills as I recall. Why would YOU have to pay her anything unless she gets total or almost total custody and why would she get that?

Are you really clear on this? REALLY CLEAR? I'm NOT, and I'm licensed there!...
Do you like and trust your L?


Glad you are getting a pic and calming down about things some.
Um, I'm not an expert on God, but your prayer list seems like more of a to do list for God for all the things YOU WANT NOW. Just thank God for all you have and TRUST that he has something glorious in mind for you and if it is not your wife returning,, it'll be just fine b/c he does have a plan if you'll trust in Him. Do you trust anyone? Not yourself...

Ask to know His will for you - and the strength to follow it. Ask for patience. I've said this before of course. Let it sink in. Otherwise you are using God again. To make your wife wrong, to keep asking for what YOU want and nagging him as if he forgot or does not know what you truly need (Like I said, I'm not God but I sure don't think what YOU NEED is your wife...not now anyhow)

...TRUST HIM...he knows you and he cares about you.

Gain strength and JOY from your R with God and let that show. Let Him IN...more will come your way. I think things have come your way but maybe SOON you'll really see them. I heard one guy talk about how to pray and he said he knows God knows his needs more than he did. And he felt so needy that he'd just wake up in the morning and say "dear God...Please..."and at the end of the day he'd say "Dear God, thanks.." b/c there were not words for his needs nor for his gratitude. God gets it.
And He gives and gives, but you have to receive it. Make sense? Get that book "Blue Like Jazz" so you can maybe see what you've been missing out on and feeling so bad about. It isn't all real or accurate.

(( j ))

[volleydog]

Um, I'm not an expert on God, but your prayer list seems like more of a to do list for God for all the things YOU WANT NOW. Just thank God for all you have and TRUST that he has something glorious in mind for you and if it is not your wife returning,, it'll be just fine b/c he does have a plan if you'll trust in Him.

Amen to that.

Kev I used to pray the same things until my boss who is also a pastor told me that's the wrong way to go about it. God can't change your W's mind she has to be open to it. Praying for wisdom for YOU to follow the path he has for you is what you need. God is not a genie he doesn't grant us what we want but gives us what we need when we follow him. (But like 25 said I'm not an expert nor am I God)

[K4D]

Here is my question. She hasn't filed the waiver of service or final decree. I have not asked about it either. Stuck808 said don't ask about it unless I am ready to be done. I'm not ready to be done. I still want my M saved.

If I bring up child support now, I am pretty much saying let's get this thing done right?

Since we are sharing split custody, the L said I could be entitled to $600 or 8% a month of what she is making right now based on our 2 incomes. However, if I bring that up, she could say forget the 50/50 custody and she could go for full custody and I end up with standard visitation and paying her $700 a month in child support. The L said it could go either way. And since she has been the primary parent most of their lives, I could stand to lose on this one. While I have been an excellent parent the past year and dearly love my kids, the judge could look at history and make a determination.

Plus as the kids turn 12, they can decide where they want to live and W could go ahead and play that to get out of paying and again I lose time with my kids and could end up paying her. Right now she is saying 50/50 until they turn 18. But she could change her mind if it means her not having to pay to help out.

So if I do this, am I bringing the M to a close? And am I willing to risk not reconciling in the future because of this? And if she won't do it out of court, then am I willing to pay the cost of court and still possibly stand to lose what I have now with the kids? I have to admit the money would help out with theie expenses. But am I willing to say its time for the M to come to an end? I am pretty sure she will hold this against me and will never consider reconciling again if I do this. Right now she is saying that she isn't necessarily closing the door forever. But that could also just be another lie to try and control and manipulate things also.

I'm just not sure what to do on this. Do I write off the future?

Kevin

[K4D]

Any advice?

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

How has she been the "primary parent most of their lives" if she had the more demanding job? Where were you? And if she makes twice as much as you, TWICE as much, how are you paying more than 8% of your income? What? It's not clear to me b/c your explanation is lacking information. Are you saying the only thing that would make her want more custody and therefore less "me" time, is money? AND that it would somehow cost you, the one earning half as much, a % of your income to help out? Okay...I get that part. The numbers seem odd to me but I lack the info I need from you and doubt I'll be getting it.

See, I think (I THINK, not "know") that she wants 50/50 b/c she wants some freedom. I think she's willing to pay something for that, obviously, especially if she believes your salary will go up, which it will -- and THEN her payments for support will decrease. You can stress that the 50/50 custody and getting money from her IS temporary as you are seeking out more money and ACTING more confident about your future, etc. Maybe she'll ease off on the controlling things. I think she's a much better poker player than you are AND I don't believe she has any present intention of reconciling with you. The more you stand up to her, the more likely she is to reconcile. By appeasing her at every turn as you continue to do, the less respect she has for you. Nothing MAY make her come back but from what we've ALL seen here, your appeasement is like Chamberlain's with Hitler. Hitler promised if England and the Allies just gave a little more land to the Naziis, (like Poland, other people's land etc) they'd be satisfied. Chamberlain did not like war...as if anyone does....But oops, the Naziis were not satisfied and invasions continued and the Naziis broke every treaty they made with the Russians and Italians, and all the Allies...who knows what they'd have done with the Japanese if they'd had the chance?

I'm not comparing your wife to Hitler; I'm comparing you to Chamberlain (the Prime Minister of England before Churchill, who believed in appeasing Hitler until it was clear that "appeasement" = surrender and weakness and cost the Allies so much more than an earlier stance of self respect would have.)

Please read "Blue Like Jazz" or any other book like it, maybe on CD for an Ipod or car to listen to, and see if it helps you get in touch with the joy and strength your faith can give you. Our faith is not supposed to be about making her or anyone else "wrong", it's about the love of God in our lives and how we are uplifted by it. That example, not words, is inspiring and your D's will see that. That will matter and you need to trust that if you follow Him, with your head and your heart, you'll be fine. And it's true.

Do you understand the phrase, "When you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith"?

((( j )))

[K4D]

Yes I understand the phrase about fear versus faith. And I am going to read that book.

She didn't always have the more demanding job. That was only a year and a half ago she got it. And its not really more demanding as she has only had to work OT 3 weeks in the past year and a half. But she was there for the kids more than I was. While I took care of their doctor stuff and grocery shopping and other stuff, W basically took care of them for most everything else. Getting them to school, taking them to church and activities when she actually cared about church, making dinners that in her mind were more suitable than what I made. I drank to much and was not attentive to my marriage and family.

So yes, she has a far better primary parent role historically than I do until this last year.

I'm not sure how the L came up with those figures as to what she would have to pay. She makes 90k and I make 55k. She makes 35k more than I do. So the L took a percentage of the 35k and figured it at $600 a month that she would pay me. It works out to about 21% of the 35k a year.

She took what I make if I ended up with standard visitation and had to pay her and it came to $700 a month.

I'm just wondering how much risk is involved in trying to ask for it.

And again... Am I saying its time to end the M if I bring it up?

Kevin

[jaguilar]

It depends on what you want. Do you want the kids or are you worried about paying/receiving child support. Me? I could careless about child support. All I want is my time with the kids, the more the merrier for me.

I'm trying to stay focused on the kids and their needs. When issues pop up where I need to see the L about the D, then I make the call.

Again, with me, it's not about the money. I don't care how much more she makes than me. All I want is my kids. I don't need her money nor would I want it. It's not that I'm roo proud, I want to give the kids what I can give them.

I don't need her for that.

[MrBond]

Personally I wouldn't bring up anything related to a D unless she does. You have the information you were looking for, so tuck it away in your ammo belt.

If you W brings up the subject, you'll have all your facts ready so she doesn't start screwing around with you.

[K4D]

Its not about the money. But the money would be helpful to get us into a house and put away for college. Plus my W is telling me that she will decide what I can afford as far as more expensive activities for the girls. And I am saying no she won't.

I want my kids more than anything. Honestly I wish my W would lose her job and just be normal again and us have less and at least be a family.

But in the mean time I have been contemplating child support from her. I'm sure she will say no and will have less respect for me than she already does if that is possible.

But I think I am getting to the point where I don't really care. I don't think she is going to change her opinion of me any time soon. I can't believe she has just about every hour of her off week booked with plans. I'm truly amazed. Now she tells me she is hanging out with a 55 year old guy that runs triathalons. He lets her tag along with him. I guess she is into father figure athletes with money now.

As for me. I am just trying to get my apartment situated and enjoying my kids. I need to figure out what I am going to do next week when they aren't here.

Kevin