Newly Seperated - What To Do?

[karen43]

As far as goals. My only goal was to get her to talk a little to me without tearing me apart. That's not happening either. And at this point I really don't want to talk to her. All it brings me is grief. So, I guess I need to set some new goals.

I think DBing is often most importantly for you. Divorce can last a while btw, mine will take over a year I'm sure, if not longer.

I'm far from an expert in goal-setting, but instead of having a goal that is based on your W's reactions which you can't necessarily control, maybe that you will no longer allow her to tear you apart? I don't think that helps your R in any way, and it hurts you.

I started GALing when I certainly didn't feel like it. I faked it the first couple months. Just do it like those old Nike ads. GALing keeps your mind off your problems, improves your self confidence and PMA, and I've also met a bunch of friends through GALing and they give great support. Eventually, I actually did become the happy, confident person I was faking at the start!!! Karen

[Uncool Cat]

Thanks Karen. GALing is all I really can do at this point. Thanks also to the others of you who responded. Things will be busy and tough for me this week. I'll probably officially receive the filing papers. [I have not yet.] I am moving into a new place on Thursday. It's across town from my house. It's close enough to take my boys to school etc. What I'm going to hate is moving all my stuff out of what used to be my home. It's going to be hard physically and emotionally all at the same time. I don't know how I'm going to do it without crying.

I'm also dealing with buying a new business. [And, yes my lawyer and I have discussed all the legal ramifications of this.] I'm not really into it at this point, but the divorce is the only bad thing about it. If I weren't getting a divorce I would feel great about this deal. As a matter of fact, if I wasn't getting a divorce this would probably be a great spring for me.

I'll give you guys an update at the end of the week. Goal for this week: establish myself in my new place.

[Uncool Cat]

It's been ten days since my last post. I've moved my stuff out of my house and into a nearby rental. I'm not happy about it, but it's a dang site better than living with my dad. It's a nice little 2 bed 1.5 bath house.

I've had the boys over two days now, and they will be with me through the Easter weekend. I'm doing OK GALing for right now. I haven't had any slips. I haven't called her, wrote her, gotten emotional with her etc.

Of course she hasn't called to talk to me either, but no big surprise there. She did take a quick look at the place yesterday when she dropped the boys off. She said that it looked nice, and I think she was genuine. I hope that it showed her, even if just a little bit, that I don't really need her. I can take care of myself. I do want her, and I don't want my marriage to end, but I want her to know that I don't neeeed her. I hope that makes sense.

My youngest son, who is not as emotional and can be matter-of-fact, said to me the other day, "Dad, why can't you move back home? It would be so much easier." This was a little tough for me. Luckily, since he's 5, I was able to just tell him that wasn't possible right now. It just ticks me off that even the 5 year old makes more sense than my W.

One weird thing that I thought I would mention. My W has been very nice about making sure I have the things I need for the new place. She even packed some things up for me. I just don't get it. When it comes to personal things, she barely says polite things like hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. But, when it comes to me seeing the boys, having what I need for the new place, or even what to get the boys for Easter, she's basically her old self. I realize this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it still bugs me. I just wish I find a way to get through to that other part of her.

I have to go. I'm starting to make myself emotional when I haven't been this way in a day or two. I'll be happy to hear from anyone out there. Thanks for the comments.

[Uncool Cat]

It's been 5 days since my last post. First I'd like to say that I'm sorry I haven't read too many other stories on this site. I have read some, especially those of you who have responded to me. I haven't commented much on others' posts. I guess it's because I don't feel as confident about this DB stuff yet.

Even though I feel like I am doing what the book and my coach say to do, things just keep feeling worse and worse. She is full steam ahead on the divorce. She went to the parenting class that my state says you have to take last night. My attorney hasn't even spoken to me about it yet.

Today she was trying to workout Summer and Holiday arrangements for the kids. She also asked me if I wanted the house. This is the house that she basically kicked me out of. Also, early in the separaion she was all about protecting it and keeping it. She is either realizing that she can't afford it, or it is a constant emotional reminder of me. [That's what my DB friend says.] I just signed a 6 month lease on a place close to her so that I could take the boys to school and spend more time with them. She says she will stay in the school district, but that's not the point. If she didn't want the house, she should have moved out - not me!!!

On top of all this I'm facing major problems at work. I would elaborate here, but it would bore you. Let's just say it's tons of stress. It would be OK if I weren't dealing with the divorce. The Bible says God won't give you more than you can handle [I'm paraphrasing.], but I feel like I'm about to lose it.

The irony is I haven't made any real DB mistakes or back-slides recently [at least that I know of]. I have been upbeat, positive, GALing; I don't call her; I don't ask about her. I've been dark for weeks.

I may sound like a little girl as I write this, but I don't care. I need a hug and for someone to tell me it's going to be allright.

[Uncool Cat]

Well, it's been nine days since my last post. I really don't know where I stand on the DB front these days. I've been dark for days and days. I've been GALing fairly well also. On Wednesday I had a great day with my boys until W decided to call.

I'm going to back up here a little bit. I've noticed something happening with me. When I am away from my boys, I tend to be more anxious, stress, worried depressed etc. When I am with my boys, I am much more calm. I feel like I have some family. I am not alone.

So Tuesday, my W drops off the boys. She was 15 minutes late, which is really weird for her. When she gets there she is crying and so is my oldest son. She had gotten a speeding ticket on the way over which upset her. She apparently had mentioned something to my son about the money it would cost. He knows things aren't good in the money department because we told him we couldn't afford piano lessons. So the ticket and W mentioning the money got him upset as well.

I just tried to be upbeat and help as much as I could. I could tell all she wanted to do was run away from me, so I let her go. And, I'll be honest, I was kind-of fine with it. If she doesn't want any comfort from me, then fine; go on.

I went on to have a great couple of days with the boys. They were happy; I was happy. Then, at the end of the day Wed., she calls. She is thinking that two days a week for me is too much disruption for the boys schedule. She also thinks that the way we have the Sudays set up is also disruptive to their schedules. What she wants does nothing but reduce my time with the boys.

I stuck to my guns. I'm not going to let her reduce my time with my boys. I have agreed not to seek full custody, mostly as a DB move. But, I'm not going to take any less time than I am taking.

I don't know if this is a problem or not, but I am so tired of all this. I am exhausted from all this!!! It doesn't seem like I'm looking for the light that is my wife coming back to me. I'm looking for the light [at the end of the tunnel] that is this all being over. Don't get me wrong. I would give anything for her to come back to me, but I just can't take it much more. Right now it would just be a relief if it were all over and the D was final.

[dburt]

Uncool Cat,

Do what is best for your boys, to me that is a father being very involved with them and as much time as possible. Don't you think this way, I do not know any DB technique that says that you should give up time with your boys to try to apease her or a 180 or whatever. Do what you think is the best for the boys, not her decision, your decision, if you all don;t agree that is what lawyers, judges and mediators are for.

Now settle your ass down, know that DB'ing is not just to get your family back but it is to get you back into life and be the best man you can be. These things will get you through this, your wife may have nothing to do with you during all of this, but it is not about her, this is about you, and so when you quit crying and realize this, the easier this will become. And no, it is not a breeze to go through this, but it gets better with time as long as you stick to these techniques.

Do this stuff for yourself, not for her, if she comes back it is just a waste product of the chemical equation of dbing, kinda like Oxygen is with photosynthesis>

Burt

[Uncool Cat]

I'm not really sure what to do anymore with my sitch. I've been dark for weeks now. I haven't had any bad conversations with her. We have been going back and forth a little bit about when the boys can see me and when they can't, but even that hasn't been any real argument.

I guess on the good side nothing seems to be moving in a negative direction. But, nothing seems to be moving in any kind of positive direction either. The sad thing is I seem to care less and less about it. It's like I'm getting numb to it. I just want her to finish it. Get it over with so I can move on.

Sure I would love to have her back. Sure I would do anything to get her back, but I'm doing what my coach and the book says to do in extreme circumstances, and I just don't see any results - at least from her end.

Now on my end, I do feel better. I'm so busy, I can barely find time to even write here. I just wish I could see some glimer from her. There is nothing. She could care less about how I feel or what I am doing. She never asks - never talks to me about anything except the boys, money, and the D settlement. And, I for sure am not going to bring up any of that stuff.

I just feel like screaming at her: "I am worth loving! I am a good man who would do anything for you! You have no idea what you are destroying, and what this will do to our boys! I'm worth it!"

I'll shut up now that I've done my cyber scream. I am getting better. I just wish our marriage could say the same.

[karen43]

Sure I would love to have her back. Sure I would do anything to get her back, but I'm doing what my coach and the book says to do in extreme circumstances, and I just don't see any results - at least from her end.

Now on my end, I do feel better. I'm so busy, I can barely find time to even write here. I just wish I could see some glimer from her. There is nothing. She could care less about how I feel or what I am doing. She never asks - never talks to me about anything except the boys, money, and the D settlement. And, I for sure am not going to bring up any of that stuff.

I just feel like screaming at her: "I am worth loving! I am a good man who would do anything for you! You have no idea what you are destroying, and what this will do to our boys! I'm worth it!"

I'll shut up now that I've done my cyber scream. I am getting better. I just wish our marriage could say the same.

Yes, please don't see your boys less. It wouldn't be good for them or for you.

It sounds like you are having lots of positive changes in your life. Your W will notice your actions believe it. I've had dozens of people tell me how great I seem, how positive, etc. If they're noticing I would assume it's pretty obvious. H said it several times and has told family members and stuff how great I'm doing I've been told. So they do notice even if they don't say anything.

And you are improving your marriage. If you do R, you will have a better, stronger, healthier marriage b/c you are stronger and healthier. If your W doesn't eventually notice you're a good man and you are worth it, then you will find someone that does. I know the patience is the hardest thing, but you will eventually be much happier. Karen

[Uncool Cat]

Karen, thanks for your words of encouragement. They are greatly appreciated.

It's been a while since I've posted. One of the biggest reasons is that I have been way too busy to come to this site. I wanted to let you guys know what I did last Saturday night. Years ago I was in a touring college fraternity band. We were the band fraternities hired for the party. It was a lot of fun, but after three and 1/2 years of touring, we drove each other crazy and broke up. This was 17 years ago (3 years before I married my wife).

Well, I'm happy to say that last Saturday night we played an incredible reunion concert to more than 300 fans at one of the largest night clubs in the state.

My wife had asked me earlier in the week if I was looking forward to the show. I told her I was, and I invited her to come. This was all via e-mail. She never responded to the invitation. No big deal, and I didn't care. I was going to have a good time with or without her.

My circles of friends are not exactly the same as hers, but I hope someone tells her how great it was. I'll admit to feeling a little mean here.

Let's stick to the point. I was adored by hundreds of people for several hours, and I rocked the house. If that isn't Getting A Life, I don't know what is.

More to come later.

[Uncool Cat]

My W has been nicer lately. She asked me how my concert went. I told her it was great. She had asked me last week if I was looking forward to the concert. I told her I was, and I invited her. I didn't expect her to come, and she didn't. [I think I already mentioned that.]

Today my son told me a fairly long story - at least for him; he's 8. He said that he couldn't listen to his CD player. It was out of batteries. My W asked him if he wanted to listen to his ipod. He said yes, but it was out of charge. So, he asked if he could listen to my W's ipod. She said OK.

Then he told me that the only songs he liked on her ipod were my songs. I asked him what he meant, and he said the songs you sing dad. I write music and have recorded a couple of CDs, and I have them on my computer, and you could put them on my wife's ipod. But I didn't put them on there. [I'm not 100% positive about this, but I'd say 95%.] My son is too young to know how to do it. That leaves my wife. Did she put some of my music on her ipod to listen to? This isn't like putting songs that H and W both have in common. This is like putting your actual husband's voice on your ipod.

I'm not getting all misty or wistful over this. It might be totally nothing. For all I know I did put them there. But she has been nicer, and she hasn't pushed anything about the divorce lately. I really don't know. It just seems weird.