stuck - you said: "She still works with the OM although not directly with him. So she sees him several times a week. I do trust it when she says she keeps everything professional with him."
I hate to tell you this, but because she still works with him, she is still having an affair with him in her heart, if not more than that. She simply cannot break free and get over him if she is seeing him at work. She must change jobs (or he must) and if she does not, its like a crack addict who is trying to get clean, but who gets just a tiny taste of it every few days, and therefore never gets it out of his/her system enough to be fully clean. And when this type of thing happens, because there is still a little bit in their system all the time, they are very vulnerable to just jumping right back into a full on addiction (or affair) at any moment. Its "right there under their nose" so to speak. To resist requires incredible strength that an addict generally doesn't have.
This is probably why you get the feeling she could run at any moment.
Stuck...I know that you feel she will not stand for any ultimatums from you, but if you want her to ever be able to break free from her feelings for OM, she has to leave that job and go NC for ever. There is no other way.
Whatever you have to do, even if it makes a really uncomfortable situation for a while, it will cause you less pain in the long run that what you will feel when she starts up an affair with him yet again.
Please think about it.
DQ
This will not work, you are attempting to control them, when would that ever work? Why would someone be attracted to someone who controls them in this fashion? That would repel them, not attract them.
I'm sorry but this is wrong, plain wrong.
Free will is where it's at, that is where honesty is.
If you have to put out an ultimatum & tell her to quit her job, that isn't going to work. If you think she's ready to walk out the door right now, that would be you opening the door for her, she'll accept that invitation and leave.
It's a known rule in life, we resist & rebel against those that try to control us. Learn this, know this, understand this and then apply it to your situation.
Don't control her.
As for the addict statement, you classify her as an addict because she's attracted to this other man. But if she was attracted to her husband, she wouldn't be an addict, she would be normal. Seriously the logic doesn't work. She isn't an addict and this situation is all about attraction. Once he knows how to spark attraction with his wife (and he's currently trying to force her to be attracted which will never work), that's when he will get success with her.
Part of your original success when she moved out was that you had limited contact with her, that sparked a small amount of attraction with her because you didn't see her everyday. That changed when you got her to move back and you guys resumed your dull boring adult lives again. This isn't an insult, it's just me being real with you on this.
Attraction is exciting, a little unpredictable, definitely isn't boring, it's energetic.
Stop going in for the kiss every night. If she wants to kiss you, let her but don't pursue her for a hug & kiss. She expects this, so stop doing what she expects.
