Stuck, my sitch was different, because I cheated, confessed, we reconciled, but then 10 years later, I ended up cheating again, I did NOT confess, we separated, and then divorced. We both did everything wrong that could have possibly gone wrong.
But here is one part of my sitch that might be similar to yours and might help you.
With my first A, I worked with the guy. He was a total idiot (duh, most OM's ARE total idiots) and I ended the A because he was just such an idiot. But I didn't confess to my husband for over 4 years, and during that whole time, I worked with the OM.
Now, for my own reasons, I HATED the OM during that 4 years, so I can honestly say I never once showed him any type of attention that could have been construed as anything other than hostile and total avoidance when possible. He knew I hated him and stayed away for the most part. During the uncomfortable moments when we were forced to speak to each other, I was nothing but curt and short. The rest of the time I was cold and as distant from him as possible.
However...even though I didn't have those happy affair chemicals about him any more...it was still very very hard to put the whole thing behind me in my mind while still working with him. For instance, although I hated him, sometimes he would creep into my fantasies still. I would quickly kick him out as he discusted me, but I'm just trying to give you the awareness that you need to understand about your wife's thoughts.
When I finally confessed to my husband out of pure guilt 4 years later, he didn't demand that I leave my work place, figuring that I had had those 4 years to get over it, and I truly had....however, as I'm saying to you, even if you hate this OM now, if you see them every day it will not allow you to move on.
When I did leave that job and never had to see him again it was a huge blessing. Unfortuantely, my ex-h and I never addressed our issues OR the affair correctly, and eventually I cheated again.
I wouldn't try to wait out the year if you want to recover the marriage but....I do understand your dilemma of not being able to give her an ultimatum without it maybe making her freak out on you.
