Over the Shock and GALing 4

[Thinker]

Answering a question that Coach asked me on SmileysPerson's thread. The topic was How and Why reading R books puts pressure on a WAS.

I copied it here rather than continue to Hijack SP's thread.

"You are NOT LISTENING to me! You keep reading this "psychobabble" and trying to change and do things to fix it but IT CAN'T BE FIXED. I keep telling you that." etc etc.

"I understand what you said about IT. Me trying to grow isn't about IT, my reading is about me becoming the best man I can."

Don't back down off of doing something healthy for you. Listen to what your W says and refute some of her "psychobabble." Why do you think she really gets upset at you?

Good point Coach - have to think about that one. Maybe by keeping the books out of sight and not reading them in front of my W I am just avoiding conflict. Maybe I should be upfront and make my W deal with the fact that I am reading them.

Once again that fine line...what is too much pressure on the WAW?

The Question that struck me after reading this a few times was "Why do you think she really gets upset at you?"

Pondering -- I think there are several possible answers:

1) R Books == Pressure from H: Several years ago when we first started talking about our M and first started seeing a C, I started buying and reading R books. At that point it was Mort Fertel and Harley's "His Needs Her Needs". They are pretty prescriptive - ie in order to fall back in love you each need to do a, b, c, etc.

At this time I DID put lots of pressure on her to read the books and I DID try to use the books to show that I was right. Both wrong things to do, I know, but I can't go back and change that now.

2) R Books == expectation to work on M: She knows that R books present the view that "A M can be saved and you can fix it by doing x, y, z". Her interpretation of me reading an R book is that I am going to then try to do x, y, and z to try to fix the M, and she does not want that pressure.

3) (really starting to mind read) R books == scary changes in H and fear the W will get left: I think she sees the changes that I am making and is confused and scared by some of them. I am mind reading here, but she may see the books as a problem and something that she can't control. In fact, she may be starting to be afraid that I am going to grow, and grow away from her, and that I may be the one who leaves her - a big change from her initial fantasies.

This third view point may explain / be bolstered by her recent sudden irrational fear that I was about to come out of the closet, declare myself to be homosexual, and leave her for another man. I am REALLY not sure where that came from, but she was suddenly really very afraid of it. When I reassured her that this was absolutely not the case she responded "Good, because if you were, that would be a deal-breaker for her in the M!"...

...That would be a deal breaker for her???? -- of course it would - by definition!! I'd be leaving her!

But I am now starting to interpret the whole thing as her building up real fears that I am growing, I am moving on, and she is the one who is going to get left.