Eclipse...

[Jimbo]

Thanks to everybody for your posts and well-wishings. I haven't been on the board in a while because I have been away doing some deep processing, and (with apologies to all the MLCers out there who have been through the process) having a mini-MLC of my own. This has always been a place I felt I could come to as a sounding board, and for that, and the opportunity to get to know all of you, I am grateful.

Up to now, I've been GALing my butt off (as much as I can while my work isn't keeping me away from it). While I've been cultivating my friendships, and doing more and more stuff, I think I've gotten to the point where the GALing has wound up being an escape instead of a way to work on ME. I'm like my MLC W in that respect - I'm running around avoiding the issues, instead of looking at me.

It all started in a spare moment several days ago, when I was taking one of those silly quizzes they have on FaceBook - You know? The ones that tell you "How Will You Die?", or "What Famous Person Are You Most Like?". I came across one entitled, "What Do You Fear Most?". I took it and it came back with fear of failure. Somebody shared with me at one point or another that if someone says something to you that hurts, then there must be at least some truth to it. I felt a twinge. This stupid little test made me stop and think - and confront myself.

...and all the pieces fell into place. This is a bigger driving force for me than I had ever previously realized. This is why I felt embarrassment at going through a D. It struck at me from so many different levels that I can't share them all here. And it tied me to my past, and the attitudes behind why I do things the way I do them, why I act certain ways, and why everything has unfolded in my life the way that it has, from the very first interactions I ever had with my peers to now. I had never consciously addressed this angle of myself before, because I never consciously noticed it before. But I do now.

And I don't like this part of myself.

It dredges up past hurts and perceived inadequacies that go way back to my earliest childhood. All the way back to the foundations of who I am as a person. And it makes me realize some very uncomfortable truths. Like any other newbie, when I first came here, I was looking for the magic silver bullet that would "make my W come back". Then I slowly learned that that wasn't the point - the point was to work on me, and make me the best me I could be. Dear God in Heaven, I never ever considered in my wildest imaginings that that would involve a personality overhaul!

I don't know who I am anymore. But now I get the joy of discovering the real me. In a lot of ways, for the first time.

On a different note, I got home at my usual late hour two weeks ago to find my neighbor's front door open- the neighbor I've been meaning to ask about the lawn mowing.

Long story short- it's him. He just really enjoys yard work. Who'da thunk it?