Kerry, I answered to John privately. I do love my husband. I will always love him. I know people told me many times here I should forgive him, well I will tell you a secret, I do forgive almost everybody because... I forget. Honestly. I forget the pain and hurt. My H #1, well..., lets say he taught me what being cheated upon was when I was still too innocent and I dont think I ever even mentioned it here before. Because I forgave him. Now I only talk about his good qualities. Its a coping mechanism I have since I was a kid my C thinks is great.
So, I will always feel him as a part of me if we divorce and although I will be upset and sad and mad at times (because of the kids mostly), I know that down the road I will be friends with him.
This love I have for him is what I based all my hopes on for a "happily ever after". It's the deep kind of love that people share for family. And I was/am willing to build on it. But he seems to want just that. And "THAT" isnt enough for me. Maybe if I were 65-70, it would be. I am 38 and I need more.
When he hugged me a couple of times, was tender and caring, I felt there was a potential there. It still felt difficult and with a lot of hard work involved but in my heart I was ready to give it my all. All this time, I feel we are giving up before we even try and that held me back. What ifs, shouldas, couldas, wouldas... You know the drill. But just as we say here, we cant make the other person want what we want, I come to the conclusion that there is actually no coulda shoulda unless he joins me in "it"... He has now a last chance to join me. I cant control what he chooses, I can only make sure I move to a place alone where the possibility of a "happily ever after" is "open" and definitely not certain but at least possible. The way we are now, the way we "try" the certain thing is we are heading to a "unhappy ever after". K
