K, It is not rosy anywhere for men or women - we are fooling ourselves with this fairy tale "happily ever after". I think I gave you this example before: suppose you had the fairy tale passionate superior man and he got paralyzed from the neck down before he's even 40?
You are not perfect and you are the first to admit that! But I think you are very smart and loving - there's a lot more to smartness than how much salary one earns. You know that the communication dynamic sucked and you contributed to it to some extent and which is why H withdrew. Models and techniques like "the 4 horsemen", "I messages", "sorry you feel that way" are all empty without commitment! So I'm glad you are saying "commit to work on things" or else ... I wish more of us did this when the first red flag went up. And remember you have some of your own issues too so its going to be hard work for you too.
I see some things coming in the way here: (1) Most of the opinions expressed on these boards are very "American" where marriages have become so disposable and the society is quite sick as a result of the "me-ness". You live in Greece where there are other customs and traditions. Like divorce is taboo, it is probably also traditional for the man to be the bread winner and the women to stay home with the kids. (2) It is natural for you to want to feel empathy and support from your friends here but its keeping you stuck because each time you complain it gets amplified a lot and reinforces negativity. (3) Your H is not posting here.
I am trying to get you to think much more positively of your H. From what you've said he's generous to you with money, he care's enough to come by and take the children out at least once a week, he pays the school fees, he hasn't exactly abandoned you, he cares for your opinion on his work, you've said he loves you, to him you are still his "wife", you often say he is a "good man", "Married for 8 years, Together 12-13", ... please add to the list of what you genuinely admire about him and let him know too.
I'm writing this in a hurry so excuse by carelessness.
fb2 you know I think of you a friend (a bit crazy but good friend ) and I wish we could talk about all this in a philosophical way in person, I think we would have a great discussion...
In Greece 90% of the women work and have careers. At least my generation. Of all my friends I only know 2 SAHMs and they both regret leaving their jobs, one of them is a millionaire and I think she would be crazy if she went to work for 1000 euros...
Divorce rates are high here too but probably not as high as in other countries. What we dont see here often (slowly happening now) is blended families and people remarrying. Actually men do, women dont. Because men are not marrying women that have children, usually their families are against that with a very common saying that goes "why should you raise somebody else's kids?". Women take custody 99,5% of the times and CS money is very little. Alimony is not given to women that work. So, you could be married for 10 years and because you worked, when your H leaves you, you are left with money such as 300-400 per child if you can prove he makes at least double maybe more, so he can support himself and live a respectable life. Basic salaries are around 800 euros with a middle-"good" salary around 1300-1500 euros. So a man making that, gives his wife around 500 for 2 kids. That's not enough, believe me. Thank God a lot of people own their houses.
Lately they tried to pass a law that custody would be 50-50 automaticaly but since they refused to change the CS calculation system, they didnt pass the law thinking it would be totally unfair for the mom to be "controlled" by her xH while he contributes very little. At least the last few years, courts some times take the CS by order directly from the employer of the H if the mom proves there is a big chance he will try not to or after months of him not paying and of course after spending a lot of money to lawyers. We get nothing from pension money etc. I dont know what happens if you are SAHM and if you are married for 25 years... I know you get alimony not sure if it enough to live on.
I dont feel I get empathy here (not from you at least ). I am just talking to friends that know me and my journey more than almost anybody else and support me. I appreciate all points of view and think about what you tell me, only I make the decision. I have a head on my shoulders and can think on my own.
My H is not posting here, you are right. Not my fault. I wish he would. We could make fun of his English and maybe I would learn something about his feelings and thoughts.
Believe me, after all the stress, the disappointment, the frustration, the sadness, the reason I reached 63 (and counting) is that when I lay in bed I still try to focus on his good parts and control my negativity. I know he is a "good man" with no "vices", usually polite and low profile (which I like), a very good father when he is around, smart, clean (yes, important very LOL), tidy, good professional etc etc. But it seems we dont share the same dreams anymore and he can still be a good man but possibly not the man for me. Maybe I am the bad apple. Could be.
The reason I had the convo with him was because as time goes by, we drift further apart and I started feeling I disrespect myself. I think if he had stayed away and came back 2 years from now we would have better chances than if we still "try" for another 2 years the way we do. I dont know if you get me. We have a crude story/joke/saying here that goes (talking ab out donkeys again), "we f@cked the poor animal and it died" meaning soemtimes when you overdo things, you just kill them. I think we are getting there if not there already. If he realises it too, there is still time. If not, I am not waiting any longer for him to get it. I think I have been fair and patient. Hoping for a happy life down the road, I am wasting my life. At least the last 3-4 months. I will not get a second chance here, this is not a rehersal. This is it. I maybe afraid but I am being careful and fair to all concerned (me, H and mostly the kids). K
) and I wish we could talk about all this in a philosophical way in person, I think we would have a great discussion...
