Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[futureunknown]

Hi Antlers-

The cursing on the text messages has stopped. The e-mail she sent you back is very civil. I don't detect any hostility in it at all. That's happening!

I know you've followed my sitch, and it's taken a very bad turn, but if this helps you at all, the work I've done on myself is paying off in a big way. I'm hurting some yes, but I feel good about myself, and I know I'll be okay. DBing is really the art of healing yourself, making yourself a better person, and leaving the door open for your wayward spouse to walk back through if they so choose. The first two things are yours to keep, regardless if the third ends up bearing fruit.

[antlers]

Hi Antlers-

The cursing on the text messages has stopped. The e-mail she sent you back is very civil. I don't detect any hostility in it at all. That's happening!

I know you've followed my sitch, and it's taken a very bad turn, but if this helps you at all, the work I've done on myself is paying off in a big way. I'm hurting some yes, but I feel good about myself, and I know I'll be okay. DBing is really the art of healing yourself, making yourself a better person, and leaving the door open for your wayward spouse to walk back through if they so choose. The first two things are yours to keep, regardless if the third ends up bearing fruit.

Hi futureunknown -

I'm not pursuing, at all, period. What do you mean "that's happening!" regarding the texting, the E-mails, and lack of hostility right now?

I'm sorry that your situation is what it is right now. I hope it gets better for you. I'm better because of the work that I've done and are doing...that's for sure. I needed to do that regardless of anything else. I thought DB'n was about busting a divorce! I am just so sorry for the damage that I've done, and it's hard to deal with sometimes, especially in light of the way things are with us. And especially because I'm about a million miles away from being like that anymore!

[futureunknown]

But, I'm trying to bust a divorce here too, and hopefully save our marriage. Nothings happening on that front...nothing good anyway!

I meant that in reference to your saying "Nothings happening on that front".

There is a teeny tiny babystep at least towards ending the hostility, which is a necessary first step.

I thought DB'n was about busting a divorce!

It is. Healing yourself and making yourself better is essential to busting the divorce. Until you're healed, and until you've fixed the reasons you got where you are, you won't be in a position to reconcile.

Take what I say with a grain of salt though, look where I am!

[antlers]

But, I'm trying to bust a divorce here too, and hopefully save our marriage. Nothings happening on that front...nothing good anyway!

I meant that in reference to your saying "Nothings happening on that front".

There is a teeny tiny babystep at least towards ending the hostility, which is a necessary first step.

I thought DB'n was about busting a divorce!

It is. Healing yourself and making yourself better is essential to busting the divorce. Until you're healed, and until you've fixed the reasons you got where you are, you won't be in a position to reconcile.

Take what I say with a grain of salt though, look where I am!

I understand what you meant now. There's still plenty of anger there on her part! Probably will be for some time too!

That all makes sense! "Until you're healed, and until you've fixed the reasons you got where you are, you won't be in a position to reconcile." That's just awesome futureunknown!

Hey man, we're all here because, at least in most cases...we messed up!

[antlers]

Please tell me just what it entails to 'drop the rope'?

[futureunknown]

It means really truly give up your connection to your spouse. Live your life for you, and let them do the same.

[antlers]

And how do you do that? Do you abandon hope? Do you start dating? Do you accept that it's truly over and just move on?

I so much want to be strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious again.

[Coach]

Please tell me just what it entails to 'drop the rope'?

Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope?
The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer :D!
You do what is healthy and productive for you.
Here is a list to start on:

I so much want to be strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious again.

You can handle it.
Cheers

[futureunknown]

And how do you do that? Do you abandon hope? Do you start dating? Do you accept that it's truly over and just move on?

These are decisions you make for yourself. If you completely abandon hope, there's not a whole lot of point to hang out here, so I assume you're going to hang onto some hope. You can hope for something, but not be actively engaged in trying to make it happen. I hope the weather is nice on Memorial Day, but I can't do anything to make it so. Doesn't mean the hope is misplaced though.

As for dating, that's another decision you make for yourself, and it doesn't have to be black and white either. You can consider yourself still fully married, so dating the opposite sex is off limits. Or you can consider yourself married, but separated, so casual dating as friends is okay, just so you have a social life, and to help your self esteem. Or you can consider yourself single, and do whatever you want, knowing that you may be starting a series of events that could cause you to want to leave your hope and M behind.

If you accept that it's truly over and move on (like I just did), then again there's not a whole lot of reason to be here, except for general emotional support. If you're holding onto some hope, then it's not truly over for you. Moving on implies leaving your marriage behind and opening yourself up to the possibility of new things, back to the dating question.

I think when most people are DBing, they let go of their spouse, meaning they accept that their spouse is now living a life separate from them, but they still hold onto the marital bond, which means no dating, or at least no serious dating. They try to fill their life up with new things, a la GALing, that don't involve looking for another partner. They also work on themselves, trying to be the best they can be, with the goal being to attract their spouse back to them. I found that doing fun things in group settings was a great way to GAL and not be lonely without dating.

[antlers]

Just wanted to mention an odd thing that happened this evening. I didn't think I would be able to get off work early and go to daughter's piano recital, so I texted her and told her I was sorry and I know she'll do great. Anyway, I was able to leave early enough to get there just in time. I saw my kids and their mom, and I went and sat by myself away from them. I believe they saw me when I got up to get a program, and then went back to my seat. W had no ring on left hand (been that way for a while), and she was wearing a ring that I bought her for graduation on her right hand. Towards the end of the recital, I noticed that she had taken the ring off of her right hand and placed it on her left ring finger. Afterwards, I went down front and congratulated my daughter on her performance, and I left. My son was waiting at the exit door for me, and we hugged and visited for a minute, and then I told him I had to go...and I left. Never talked to, or made eye contact with my W...son and daughter were both away from her when I spoke to them.

I thought it was odd about the ring. Any thoughts? Anybody?