Gulp...those last 2 paragraghs were so beautiful. Not too preachy for me.
I NEVER mentioned MLC to H. His behavior is like a super-sized version of his most insecure and egomaniacal self (IMO- may not be true). Anyway, I don't even know where that came from. I don't assess him or analyze him (anymore). I think I'm better at this than I may let on.
The rejection thing is not so much that I miss him but that I feel guilty and I love him and I want him to feel loved in the way everyone deserves to be loved. Yes, he is hurting me and I feel rejected but there's no point in an eye for an eye. I do not however think I should take that route any longer, just letting you know why it is painful. Also, I thought it had worked and brought him back in, which it did in many ways, just too much too soon. He does not consciously want to work on R, just go with the feelings. The feelings led him to come around more, feel safer with me, spend more family time, be more reliable in little but important ways (seriously)...so, the illusion that it was "working" to be more flexible and reconnect was at play.
I did tell my sister that I don't want her to get involved but, again, I need to stop exhibiting that I am drowning and need saving. My family is so worried and so devastated. If I stop dragging them into the drama, they wont feel the need to involve themselves on my behalf.
Yikes, the cancer thing is not a good topic. I've lost people to it. AND, it infuriates me that we are poisoning ourselves as a society and then wonder why so many are getting cancer...a bit off topic and I do think the child's attitude is touching but in reality, there are reasons why children are getting cancer and someone needs to take that on and do something about it. Anyhoo, not the point, I know but it shows you how my mind works. I don't feel like "why me?" No way, I feel like "what do I learn from this?" and "how the heck do I turn this around?"
H believes and then doesn't believe. He is so confused (by his own admission) and he truly does need to find himself, as do I. In that way, I know this is necessary. He is so impressionable and relies on the outside to define him. And we did that to each other. We need space and time to really develop autonomous selves. I wish it had happened prior to having kids but c'est la vie. AND, I do think we could do it within the marriage IF, if, if...blah, blah, blah...yep, getting tired of hearing myself.
Ok, the L. I believe he could help us make some decisions regarding the debt and perhaps a legal sep agreement to start. He is savvy enough to know his limitations. I have to take this one step at a time. I have ONLY seen lawyers make these things worse and contentious and suck out money that isn't even there just to get to a point that any decent lawyer could have predicted they would get to. Maybe it is fantasy but I think we could come to any agreement co-operatively. If not, then so be it and we get our own reps. I want to hone in on this, I am not taking your input for granted, I am just not ready to file for D or to retain attorneys etc. I would prefer mediation over that. It is not just about D, it is about $$$ going down the drain and everyone losing.
Also, if we can declare bankruptcy or deal with the debt in some fashion, that will make it a cleaner arrangement regarding assets and alimony/child support etc.
Can't these arrangements always be revised if he makes significantly more money? Couldn't I retain a L at that point and ask for more? My L seemed to suggest that is the case.
