New day...new thread...

[25yearsmlc]

I tend to find WAS's do not like diagnosis from anyone. Lose the "MLC" labels since they're meaningless anyhow. All that matters is your WAS is a WAS for now. you can HOPE it's MLC b/c they have a slightly higher chance of coming back IF their behavior is truly out of character, as opposed to simply the culmination of years of self centeredness. YOUR behavior and reactions are the same regardless. But diagnosing them makes them wrong or sick. They won't like that at all. Least of all coming from an LBSer or family member of one. (My h told me once he had seen someone about maybe getting a work up and that told me that even he knew he was acting a bit off. His bf asked him WTH he was doing and things like the bills NOT getting paid on time were totally new and different for him. But there were also some things that were selfish about his career, (doctor) that are more or less accepted b/c they work so hard and help others, etc.) Just know that since YOU have to behave the same regardless, GAL, DB, PMA, etc, don't obsess too much about it. Even MLCers sometimes, in fact more often than not, do NOT come back.

As for the sister discussions---tough. You're not responsible for what your sister tells your h. Stay out of it. If she asks you then tell her not to speak for you.

RE: God and no religion...well, I am not comfortable with evangelicals, truthfully. And sometimes there gets to be too much from the bible on this site for me as I hear religion used to "accuse" or condemn and I think to myself, "does that ever work in getting a WAS to return?" (I doubt it). And I can't quote much scripture or anything. But yes, my higher power got me through this and I have no idea how anyone gets through this without Leaning hard on "Him/Her/It", etc.
Seems to me that a loving R with God, FORGIVENESS skills come from Him and that helps the WAS feel more likely that the LBSer will be able to move forward. IT does take grace, if you will. In other words, let God strengthen you and bring you joy and love. Attached at the bottom of this is something I wrote a while ago that helped some people and might help you. Feel free to ignore it if it's too preachy though. It comes from a good place but I know a lot of people have major baggage about organized religion. I did too. Oh,
My ex bil who left my sister years ago told me and her to our faces, he no longer believes in God and has been "atheist for some time now" and I just said, "it shows."
I mean, why'd he feel we needed to know that? How odd... I think he wanted to hurt her or explain himself or disarm her as if she'd ever condemn him, (she never did anything like that to him). Who knows? Who cares? He's miserable now anyhow. And he used to use religion to make others wrong, and him right, and now he abandons it AND denies OURS, so he can justify his actions...yeah, big surprise he doesn't go to Mass anymore...oh, but HE DID regret leaving her and told her so. Just too late. She's so much happier now. Honestly I knew when her ex was leaving that as sad as she was, in the long run my other sisters and I KNEW she'd eventually be happier. And she is.

ANYWAY...okay I'm still not clear AK's L relative thing. Are you saying that the L is going to "talk to your H" and that will show h whatever he's facing and then what? He'll come back? Or he'll be convinced just to pay up and you won't have to spend much on attorneys? I mean if you take into account the future earnings and H pays you the right amount....and college for kids and custody is agreed upon and blah blah blah....all I know is I've seen 40 "do it yourself divorces" and one worked, with no kids and no property and a m of one year. Your sitch could be more complicated. Already is.

I can see a session with your relative being worth a go EXCEPT you might think that is like retaining one for you AND it's not. IF you think a session is worth it, sure go ahead as long as you KNOW you can count on your relative to be on your side. AND I don't know if you can if he's the type who finds women weak and indecisive.

Sorry if that hurts. But it IS what you are conveying, fyi. Big time.

Past going dark and then quitting---STILL NOT CLEAR on your reasons....Still don't know why it hurt you to "reject" him if going dark was working...what? HE IS REJECTING YOU....did you miss that? Was it just so hard b/c you just missed him so much? ooooookkkkkkaaaaayyyyyy Yes honey, that is weak. You are stronger than that.

Anyhow, gotta go and will talk to you later but you ARE making forward progress b/c sometimes all this is about is forward motion of some sort....keep it up.
When you obsess and obsess about why why why this is all happening, stop. I was at a kid's with cancer camp years ago. A little girl with a recurrent form of cancer was there. 10 y/o. She said, "I used to ask God 'why me, God?" Why? Why? Why?' Then I just figured I'm sick cuz I just am. So I stopped asking b/c it's important to try and have fun while I can..." She had a great summer, and it was her last one. She was a wise old soul, wasn't she?
((( j )))

Seeing Our Spouses
There comes a time in every marriage when each spouse sees the other in total stark reality, without the passion of the new, and sees them totally naked, with all their flaws, weaknesses, qualities, strengths, quirks, warts and all, and in that time, they make a choice. They may reject their spouse as simply too flawed, no faults of importance or given any weight allowed, only minor ones. Those spouses choose to leave. Others choose to stay, but only to make the other one cave in to their will, to nag, cajole, critisize, and "be proven RIGHT" until one of them finally dies...and some choose to stay, but sigh for their whole lives, rolling their eyes in the long suffering manner of the martyrs they see themselves as.

And then, there are others. There are those who see the realities of their spouse along with their own many faults in stark light too. Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to love. They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and strongly favor it. As for the bad, and not so good, they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, or work around....they try hard to do what is the goal; to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes... Seems terribly difficult, but not complicated. In fact, it is very simple. But evidently quite rare. And no, I don't think this means we "learn" to accept what is truly UNacceptable. God did not put us here to make us miserable. We are not here to be doormats. But still, we have a goal and I think that the goal of marital love probably is to learn to see someone for all of who they really are, including their histories and pain, through His eyes. That does not always mean one stays married to a spouse. Sometimes it means seeing them as they are, loving them and still leaving them, for there are others (children) to SEE and consider. But I think it sure helps.
J-


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