Thanks for the words folks. This afternoon we are getting together to discuss stuff in a separation agreement. I mentioned before that I want to not fight her on issues, so I look at this as a necessary dialog. I won't be pressuring her, simply going over issues. After that, it will be moving on to detaching, GAL stuff from here forward. Don't know what else to do or think about this afternoon.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
My "meeting" went well. W said she was filled with anxiety all day before it, expecting it to be unpleasant. I tried to use some good 180s like validate her feelings and such as the past came up, and all in all it was a fine discussion. We went to dinner after with S. Tomorrow is a new day...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I went to bed pretty early last night - tired from a long weekend and emotional stress. I woke up around 11pm to find my wife going to bed, which was odd since we have not shared a bed for a month. We stayed on far sides of the bed, no interaction, but still... I don't plan to read into this at all, say anything to her about it, but it is interesting.
I failed to write in my last post that W said the conversation went better than she expected, and I think that was a big positive. The key is to act in an unexpected fashion, be positive, and create enjoyable interactions.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
My W called me today and talked about what we had going on this upcoming week and weekend. I had mentioned I had plans for Sat. afternoon and night out with my friends, and hoped we would do something with S Sunday. She asked about her going out after work Friday with friends, probably staying overnight with a girlfriend from work.
So here is the question - I suspect, but don't know, that she in fact is going to stay with OM. Do I put my foot down and say I don't think she should be staying over at all with anyone? Do I act indifferent and say I want her to have a social life and she can choose what she wants to do? I don't want to empower the EA/PA, but also don't want to get walked over. It is very possible she is just hanging with her friend as well.
Last edited by JKL2009; 05/20/0906:49 PM.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I suppose you could look her square in the eye and say "You're an adult; I have no desire to control you."
or you could say "I hope you're not meeting up with (OM); that would be incredibly disrespectful to our family on this holiday weekend."
But I'd be more comfortable advising you to do that if you had good intel that told you she was, in fact, meeting up with OM. Otherwise, you come off looking poorly if you're wrong, and -- as you say, if you're RIGHT, and you DON'T say anything (or if you say "OK, have a nice time!") you come off looking like you're enabling cake-eating.
You are both still married and living at home together? Would spending the night out be normal behavior any other time? Why would she spend the night out now? What is your gut telling you?
You need boundaries here.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
No way I can gather intel on this. I think first suggestion is my only option. Maybe I could combine the too, since I can't rule it out.
No, at the end of the day this is not really normal. She didn't spend nights out until recently. I think that is a good point, and I don't think the down side to putting my foot down a bit will really hurt here. Of course, she could just go out for a "night out" and come home, and still carry on an A. But there needs to be a line drawn somewhere.
Last edited by JKL2009; 05/20/0907:07 PM.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Theoretically speaking, of course, one COULD hide a cheap, prepaid cellphone in her trunk, with all of its sounds silenced, and a cheap GPS tracking program called Mapquest FindMe loaded onto it.
Or velcro a voice-activated recorder under the front seat of her car.
I hear you. Then what? Do I want to be right, or do I want to be married to her? If there is a PA, it is most likely to not last and fizzle soon. What do I gain by this in the long run if my goal is to reconcile?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
You gain the truth, so you can deal with it accordingly. If you'd rather guess, then that's up to you. It is rough to see/hear this stuff; it's NOT for the faint of heart!
