regarding the intimacy issues...very personal. I chose to keep it in my separation for a variety of reasons but struggled with it mightily first. Spoke to my DB coach about it a lot. Our sex life had always been a good thing for us. I wanted to stay connected AND felt it would contrast with his life elsewhere. We were a in a warm (figuratively and literally) place with love and laughter and intimacy here, and he did not have much or any of that where he was. So I wanted it to contrast with what he was seeing out there in the tundra. It'd likely have been very diff for me if there had been a serious OW.
Do not let others tell you what to do on that and let your feelings and your h's behavior before during and after, help you decide. ( No offense to A&K, but your sitches are so very different. But sure it's a super personal decision.)
Nicole, you said your h felt badly afterwards. B/c YOU did? Or what? Just asking.
See what your c tells you, and what your heart says and don't confuse staying connected with cake eating. There is a difference, and only you will be able to know what that is. If I were a WAS and feeling doubts about my h and I, and we stopped ML altogether, I don't know how that would help me come back. BUT if I were also seeing OM and getting it at home (and thinking like an alien) who knows? Maybe I'd like getting it at both places OR maybe if my own h cut me off, I'd stick it out with OM...hard to think like an alien for me and some men are way different than we are about ML.
Talk to a DB coach if you can. It's soooo worth it. ((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do not let others tell you what to do on that and let your feelings and your h's behavior before during and after, help you decide. ( No offense to A&K, but your sitches are very different. But sure it's a super personal decision.)
25- Yes, I agree and I think I acknowledged that, just sharing my experience...we don't know too much about this sitch because it is so new. Still, I agree with everything you've written, as always.
As I've posted elsewhere, Be a woman only a fool would leave.Think of who and how you were when he fell in love with you and also, think of things you have put off doing b/c you were "tied" down or married and start doing them And come here and read and read and post and if you get good advice, TAKE IT.
(( j ))
25 is my FAV poster. Her comments are always insightful, and I really encourage you to listen to her advice. She is the first person that told me to 'be a woman only a fool would leave' and I recite that phrase to myself daily.
It's a long process, and patience is the key. Get on your life, take care of your children and yourself, and you will send a strong message to H that you're done sitting around feeling sad. Life goes on, right?
when I tried to find your posts it told me "cannot search at this time"...so how are you? Where is your thread now?
take care, (sorry for the hijack),
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25...THANK YOU! Your post was so helpful and detailed...I really appreciate that. It did give me hope and as of yesterday I must detail what I think I did to screw up my DB mission again! I need advice on how much I did backslide. I don't think it was too bad given the situation, but this is what happened....
Yesterday H came by in the afternoon before he went to pick up the kids from school to "pick up a few things". I was in the shower...and I know he was not expecting me to be home. I got out and he was outside the bedroom and I was getting dressed. He looked in and said something to me which I don't remember the content of but then came into the room to talk to me. I was putting on my underwear and he was staring at me like he wanted to touch me. I could feel it. He didn't, and I asked him "how are you?" He said good and laughed for some reason...and I said "what?" He said "nothing" and we both chuckled a little. (a weird, but nice moment). He asked me why I was home in the afternoon and I said I was getting ready to go to work. Then he asked me if he could take some stuff to his new place...he wants an extra couch that we have and one of the beds...the guest bed. I said no to the bed, because I was going to keep the guest bed for myself for when I move and sell our huge Ca. King bed... because it is too big. He said he would take the big bed then. He said he needs some stuff and i told him I didn't know if it was a good thing since it is only a month till I have to move and I don't want the girls to come home to see all this stuff moved already. He said he needs stuff so that he can have them over to his new place. Anyway...he had to go pick up the kids and he left...I told him I would think about what he could have. I went to work and he picked up the kids...a little while later he texted me to see if I could call one of D6's friends to see what outfit they were going to wear the next day for "twin day" at school and that they were at Target and did I need anything from there?? I thought that was nice...I said sure I will call her and no I didn't need anything but thanks for asking. Then a little while later he texted me to see if I minded if he got the girls chili cheese fries for dinner. I said go for it...not too important other than it being nice thoughtful texts back and forth. So...I was at work and had friends (another couple who we hang out with together) coming over for dinner...I was running late and they arrived at the same time I did...H was still here. It was a little awkward, but H talked to our friend Matt for awhile (they have alot in common as far as work goes.) We opened wine and I offered some to H but he said he had to drive and he had to get going. So...he left and I walked him out. I knew he wanted to talk about the stuff he wanted to move and was waiting on an answer to see if I would let him move it today. I told him to slow down...his pace was too fast for me and I would appreciate it if he waited...it was light hearted at first and he said "but Nic, I really need some stuff." I said I knew that and I wasn't trying to be vindictive...that I just was looking out for the kids and we still have a month in the house and it is just weird that we will have to live here with stuff moved out. Anyway, again...I told him that I would think about it and tell him later. He called me "babe" once in the convo. Then he touched my stomach and said "gosh..you are so freakin' skinny". Then we hugged, and I kissed him. He said "don't do that" and I said sorry. I started to cry...and I said "look...I am not trying to make you feel guilty here but I have been doing some thinking and I have been looking at what my responsiblity is in this whole mess...and I am trying to be understanding of your need for space. But you have to respect my house, and my need for taking it all at my own pace". He said "I know and this is hard for you...it is hard for me too. I am really sad I can't even listen to the country station anymore, it makes me too sad". (We like country and always listen to it together). He asked me how my weekend was back home and wether I went to his parents house or not. I said yes I did and he asked me if that was hard for me. I said yes, of course. Then he asked me if I would consider applying for and moving into the military housing here...that he wants us to stay here and that he didn't want to "close any doors". I said I didn't know, I would think about that. If I did move into the housing there is no way that we could get a divorce. So that was the jist of it. (long story i know but I think the details are important.) I talked with my friends who were here and thank God they were here cause I completely fell apart after he left. We all came to the conclusion that I should NOT move into housing...that I should move back home since it would be the best thing for me in the long run. So after they left I texted H and told him he could take a couch..no bed, that he could sleep on a blow up mattress until I move and that I didn't think housing was a good idea, that I would be going up North and looking for a place this weekend. I also apologized for kissing him. He texted me back saying he would call me tomorrow and that I should never apologize to him and I have never done anything wrong. He said PLEASE stay down here this weekend and look for a place here. I didn't respond. So this is where I am at. I know that I did wrong by DB here, and I am afraid he is only telling me that he doesn't want to close any doors in an attempt to get me to stay here, not move and take the kids away. Insight, please???
Hey Nicole, as I said on other thread, IMO you are doing really well with the boundaries.
The KISS- Ok, he touched YOUR body and then you kissed him and then you felt rejected and apologized. Maybe homeboy needs to keep his fingers to himself and it wont be so confusing. 25 would know better if you should let him go there but I think it was a bit of ok for him to do it, but not for you...and, now you know.
You aren't going to get through this with 100% stoicism. On the main issues, you held your ground. Stick with it.
H asking you about if he could feed the kids chili cheese fries is a clue into your R. Why would he need to ask you that? He doesn't seem to know that he is in charge when he is with them or feel capable. That could be something he needs to glean from this sitch, that he has to be a man and father and make those and MANY decisions, especially if he wants to be on his own. Again, just my opinion. But, I have gone through that with H and had to really back off and let his time be his time and sometimes even saying, "that is your call." Hopefully, 25 can expound on this topic as I feel a bit self-conscious...I don't want to project, that just really stood out to me.
Again, nice that he is not blaming you and willing to admit this is his crisis. That puts you in a much more honest and manageable space (I think).
As for his agenda, none of us can say. BUT, it does seem to me that you doing what you need to do for you is working and that you should stick with that. It is what has taken me 4 months to make peace with and I have no regrets but you can do it now.
I'm still around - will update my thread later today but I'm doing well and taking care of myself and the kiddos. Nothing new with H but keeping the faith.
Nicole - you had a big day yesterday! I see some encouraging signs in your post from H but you will have to take it slow of course. Not sure what the motive is for asking you about base housing, not closing any doors... maybe he's confused? Obviously still attracted to you which is good! :-) I think all of that conversation will take some time to process... You did a good job communicating with him, and not falling apart until after he left. Friends mean well, but maybe moving home isn't the best thing for the M. Only you can make that decision. Hang in there!
