Ali, I felt as though, up to the point H decided to "work on the marriage," I knew exactly what game I was playing (save our marriage and/or learn to love myself), I knew the rules and was becoming a skilled player (thanks, DB!), and I felt energized and alive, because I knew I was living more intensely and with more awareness than I had for the past few years. Finally, after agonizing months the goalposts were in sight ... and bam, welcoming to Piecing ... someone had moved the goalposts, the rules had all changed, the guy that was supposed to be on my team was playing Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde, and I was awash in pain with no sense of what to do next.
So, yes, I know exactly where you are now. In my last post I tried to pre-warn you about this, but I totally understand that it's impossible to believe that your MLCer is going to play the script out to the end. I also read the information, and thought mine would be home sooner, over with the OW faster, back to his old self less painfully, etc. Nope!
If it's any consolation, I think they have to take all the steps they do in order to come back to us. So, in a twisted way, you don't want him to skip the stage he's in, horrible though it is to be in (for you). Remember, he's just got to the point where he's finally stopped running away (from his father's death, from self-loathing thoughts about whatever his mother has done to him, from his fear of death/aging/never having a hot young girlfriend again). However, he hasn't dealt with any of it yet. And he's still not thinking like a mature grown-up man: he's still the victimized, entitled teenager much of the time. That's why he still needs the alcohol: to cope with the pain he's in.
Of course, you want to take away his pain--but unfortunately, he needs to feel it. He needs to come to terms with his past and accept himself, he needs to mourn that Helen is no longer filling some need he had (because she wasn't NOTHING to him--she was an idealization), and he needs to deal with all the guilt he's going to feel about what he did to you. He needs, really, to grow up, and that's the most painful thing a person can do -- but nobody can do it for him.
When my H came back, he was cycling like crazy, from extremely loving to miserable and withdrawn. And that went on for months. I used to have to escape into the laundryroom/garden regularly, so I'd advise that you don't move in together until he's a lot more stable. He needs space to process things alone. For me, the most helpful concept during this time was David Snarch's description of holding onto oneself--of not allowing myself to be affected too much by his changing state of mind.
After about 9 months, my H had shaken off the worst of his depression, and after 18 months, "we" were in a really good place. But it took H that long to work through all his issues. He has even learned to talk about the things instead of shutting down or stuffing his feelings!! It was only after about a year that he talked to me about a lot of his MLC, and it was impressive how he'd really worked through so much of his baggage, and come to a mature understanding of it. There were times, before that, when I tried to have relationship talks with him, and DIDN'T hear what I wanted to--so try not to push things too fast.
My suggestion for right now is ... don't torture yourself with thoughts that he's free to choose someone else, or needs to commit to you quickly, or that you might push him away, etc. Think of him as a guy who has been totally mangled in a horrible accident. The doctors have finally taken him off life-support because he can breathe on his own. But now he's got to assess all the damage that's been done, he's got to learn to cope with the pain, he's got to figure out how to walk & eat again, and must focus on getting well so he can lead a normal life again. Would you dash into his hospital room and insist that getting your relationship back on track needs to be his first priority ... or would you go about your life, giving him as much support as he needed (yet letting him determine the pace of his recovery) while being delighted for him that he's been given a second chance at living?
I love the descriptions of your art projects--keep up the wonderful work!
