Just read back through the one of the LRT threads on this forum and I`ve been reminded that I have to stay in control of me here. No pushing and pulling H in this. No falling into limbo with him. Yeah, our sitch is difficult but there is more to my life.

Yeah, I feel sad today. I feel the weight of sadness in my heart, like as if someone had died. But where`s that going to get me?

The way H is, he hates me when I`m strong, he hates me when I`m vulnerable(depite what he says: he physically intimidated me when I was very sick). As a dear friend said; He even hates the smell of you.

So, maybe in being sad I`m subconsciously trying to pull him in. but my head tells me that won`t work.

He`s stuck. If he could stick me in his spot too, he would. I`m sticking with my changes-being unpredictable, minding me, developing my hobbies.

In short, I`m going to keep the focus on everything else except the M.

He`s NOT looking for R talk. His actions show he hates me. He tells me I`m a hard woman, he FULLY blames me for everything. all his questions were centred around HIM:"Do you know the two most important things to me? No you don`t. See you don`t get me"
(I`d guessed football and the kids; I was wrong it was football and his home county....)

And I offered him friendship. No not R talk.Just that I hated to see the anger eating him up, like I`d hate to see any frined in trouble and that he was the father of my children and,even though we didn`t love each other(well, I sure as hell don`t love him the way he is now) I would still be concerned for him as a friend.

Yeah, right. Maybe I said too much there.

Anyway, I didn`t want to show anger or defensiveness.

Let him go and lick his wounds. His capacity fro self pity is enormous. And he did admit he cares so much about what other people think and chided me for not realising that!I`m vain, I care about what other`s think and you`ve ruined my reputation in town.

Yeah, right, so your chasing a bit of skirt around the office was good for your reputation,huh? But I resisted saying that too.

I`m don`t know if I want him or not any more and that is the truth as I see it right now! He is so self centred and angry and unloving.I know I want the marriage and not the man and not even this marriage but a better one.

I`m ringing a C this evening. I need to get my head around this somehow.