It is time to cut all communications with her unless you have to discuss your daughter.
Yeah, I was kind of considering this today.
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The four affairs, abandonment, missing daughters events, telling both of you lies, etc will not look good to a judge.
Ok, the abandonment, missing daughter's events, and lies I can prove but the 4 affairs I cannot necessarily prove--well maybe with the emails but she can claim she lied w/ those as well.
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Perhaps this will force her to change but with her past behaviour I wonder
I doubt it. Remember she's in love w/ OM and she's done all this stuff to hide it so why would she change now?
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her reconciliation with her first husband comment is strange and I wonder what she means by that...he abused and beat her who knows how many times and now they are friends?
I thought so as well. They talk on the phone now and he is a friend of hers on facebook--so strange considering the fact that my SS is 19 and they don't have to talk anymore at all.
I didn't want it to get to this point but I really don't see any other options at this point.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Just got a call from the wife this morning. She said she has filled out the divorce paperwork and would like to come over Friday afternoon so I can take a look at it. She says she's giving me everything. Dammit, why does this hurts so bad? I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
It hurts because it matters. If it didn't hurt, what would have been the point of the marriage?
And you didn't do a damn thing to 'deserve' it. Don't frame it in those terms. "Why" questions just produce infinite feed-back loops. How, what, when, where questions -- these can produce some awareness and insight.
If I could only fly I'd go up and look down from the sky So I could see the bigger picture And Lord if I could sit with You At Your feet for an hour or two I'm sure I'd ask too many questions 'Cause there's so much going on down here That I must confess I just don't understand
BRIDGE But I have prayed And at your feet my whole life has been laid So I wont worry I wont be afraid 'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways Let the road ahead become unclear I am Yours so what have I to fear If my soul is resting on Your higher ways
CHORUS Your higher ways teach me to trust You Your higher ways are not like mine Your higher ways are the ways of the Father Hiding His children in His love
BRIDGE So let it rain And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain This hope I have will not be washed away 'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Someday I will fly and Maybe then You will take me aside And show me the bigger picture But until I'm with You I'll be here with a heart that is true And a soul that's resting on Your higher ways
Dammit, why does this hurts so bad? I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
My therapist told me that the person who can hurt you the most is the person you have feelings for.
One thing that I'm reminded of when I get down is that my wife had been feeling this "pain/hurt" for all the years, ours is more recent. Now this doesn't excuse the behaviors.
My therapist told me that one person does not own the problem in the relationship. Both people do. Maybe it's not exactly 50/50, but it is never 100/0.
This may not make it feel any better, but you can at least know you did everything that you could have to done since the bomb. Right now, this is your wife's decision to head down this path.
As many have reminded in my situation/thread, you can't control what your wife (nor anyone else for that matter) does. If you try to, you will feel powerless. The only person you can control is yourself.
You can try to influence outcomes of others, but ultimately it is still there decision.
This is painful. This hurts. This sucks and is frustrating.
Hang in there and be grateful for what you do have.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I wonder why she always does this stuff right before the weekend. I guess there's never a good time.
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John, one good that can come out of this is for her fogginess and desperation to cause her to give you everything. Take it and don't look back.
I know I should feel better about this as I'll have my D but I still question why can't my D have her mom there also. None of this makes any sense. I cannot believe that I made her so misearable--I refuse to believe it--I saw her happy.
I feel the same way I did when I got off that plane from me deployment. I guess at least there will be some closure finally but this is not the way I wanted this to end as you all know.
Thanks for your thoughts and kind words.
Last edited by AFWAW; 05/21/0903:13 PM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I know I should feel better about this as I'll have my D but I still question why can't my D have her mom there also. None of this makes any sense. I cannot believe that I made her so misearable--I refuse to believe it--I saw her happy.
John, it's called "re-writing of marital history," and it's a sad part of the "script" of nearly every affair. It's a way for them to back-justify their current behavior, and fit it within their moral code. I'm glad that you don't believe it -- you SHOULDN'T.
My wife was handwriting nice, NICE notes of love and devotion in my Valentine's Day and anniversary cards as recently as TWO MONTHS before her affair. I got so frustrated with her one day when she was spewing the "I haven't been in love with you for a long time" b.s. that I actually got out the cards, and showed her, and yelled "SO WERE YOU LYING THEN, OR ARE YOU LYING NOW???"
(wasn't productive, but it sure made me feel better )
Don't let that stuff get to you. The REALITIES of the current situation, as documented by Hooper's great "to-do" lists, are enough of a challenge for you right now without investing any more emotional energy in trying to "figure out" your wife.
John, As always PDT is correct...I know you are hurting and will continue to hurt for some time. You have to prepare for anything now and your priority is your daughter before all else.
If your wife is willing to legally document everything and you have custody arranged how you want to make sure your daughter is raised in a morally correct environment then please consider signing quickly after a lawyer reviews. Her guilt will not last much more than a few paydays if OM is still in the picture and scheduled to leave in Oct.
Have a lawyer look at the papers...her idea of everything may not be the same as yours...is it her plan to pay child custody, continue to pay what bills she is paying until payoff, is she helping with the house note, can you remove your name from these bills? What bills has she created while separated?
I wonder what new ideas she will have Friday. Prepare yourself for anything...I know this is a shock and would recommend you cancel the Friday meeting until you are ready...do not let her get into the habit of controlling your meetings...take a week or so to think about it and you really should go see a lawyer.
If nothing else accept the papers and look at them later when she is not around. This has to be a business decision now...not an emotional one.
Now is a good time for you and your daughter to take a road trip...you have family close by? Always a good idea for D to see her grandparents.
Do not sit around depressed this long weekend...to do this rewards your W for her poor actions. It hurts right now but you have many reasons to be thankful...no matter what happens with this marriage you got an incredible daughter that loves you...not a bad reward for you. Your W will have to live with the guilt the rest of her life.
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