Yep, not feeling like a priority is something that as I go back and see, I realize is a problem. A big problem. I realize she is busy with school. The same school I encouraged her to go to and that I have committed to support her with.
"These colors never run" echoes in my head. However, I am slowly starting to see that I may not want her back in my life as anything more than the former Mrs. I'm wrestling with the idea that I love her but may not want to have her back in my life as a trusted part of it.
My W thought about giving up on opening her shop several times. Sometimes because of the responsabilities that go with it that I reminded her of. She took those as wanting to dissuade her from doing it, but she was looking at things through such intensely rose colored glasses, I felt compelled to point out some of the less attractive things to her also. But at the same time, I have also encouraged her to keep going and told her multiple times that I will help her with it (and I have).
Where our sitchs are different is that I can see how our R could work great. I think I have changed a lot and I think she has noticed. However, she's not entirely happy with her own self yet, but has made changes too, changes that brought back parts of the "old W" again. So, I feel that if she continues to grow herself in the way she has over the past couple of months, I see the possibility of a very good R/M. If anything, I feel like I understand her soo much better now than before all of this. I hope it's mutual. What kind of thoughts does the above bring up in you? Where do you think you are in this regard?
I think I have to remember that to love unconditionally, means, unconditionally. To return hurt with good thoughts and actions. That's incredibly difficult. The thoughts are the hardest, you know?
I see similar in my W. I see her struggling with herself. To find herself and to know herself. She related to me once that it wasn't that she didn't want to give more of herself to me, it was that she wasn't able to. That hurts because it says to me that she put other priorities in front of me. We've never done that prior.
It hurts. Waaah. Done.
To love unconditionally and to bring out the best in my Wife. That's my responsibility and that's what I would do for her or any other special person in my life. As for my needs - good question. There are more things I'm realizing I need and more that I realize I want. Whether or not she can be that person I do not yet know.
She mentioned to me that we hadn't divorced because neither of us gives up and we have to make sure we have no regrets. I have no regrets. I would do it all the same way.
I'm back to being a single dad. The jokes on her though - she has way more time than she thought she'd have. She still can't sleep and that's not healthy for her. I'm not in a position to help, but I do worry for her.
More later. Trying to get my mind right before I see her again later today.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think I have to remember that to love unconditionally, means, unconditionally. To return hurt with good thoughts and actions. That's incredibly difficult. The thoughts are the hardest, you know?
Even JC thought he was forsaken by his Father and even voiced his pain. You are human AJ and it's OK to have some doubts and WTF moments. You have grown since I saw you show up here. DBing is hard work. I am still working on myself. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
To love unconditionally and to bring out the best in my Wife. That's my responsibility and that's what I would do for her or any other special person in my life. As for my needs - good question. There are more things I'm realizing I need and more that I realize I want. Whether or not she can be that person I do not yet know.
You bring up several good points. Besides knowing my W much better now, I also know myself a lot better. I now know what kind of a R/M I want and I honestly believe that my W could be that person. Heck, she was that person up until she started her own business and became a workaholic, then it went downhill from there. I felt neglected, resentment, ignored, all the stuff I think you've been through also. Now, I know why I felt that way. Part of it was my fault, and part of it was hers. I improved myself to the person I want to be. I used to not have very many friends and relied on my W for social interactions, that was my problem. Now, I have friends and I am happy with that. I still miss being in a R/M however. But I know that once I get back into one that fits me as I am now, everything will fall into place.
I guess I am rambling on about my state of mind, but I think you're going down the same road and maybe it helps to make stuff fall into place?
The other thing I was trying to say is that obviously your W will need to work on herself also. There's nothing you can do to accelerate that process, you just have to give it time and get yourself ready to get into the best R of your life (whether it be with your W or someone else).
That your W can't sleep sounds very familiar! Same thing happened with my W. They're processing stuff and keep the brain going...
I wonder, too... I feel like we're "ding dong ditching" him! LOL
PS - read through your sitch this am. I'm sorry. I wish you were local, as I have all kinds of work-at-home options w/my company, but you'd need to be in the Midwest! A little different than Lala Land! (Weather sucks, for one!) Be well, and I'll be keeping up with you.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
