hooper's right. Once you lay that ultimatum down for her, I don't think she's coming back because you haven't laid the "safe" foundation for her to come back.
Would you go back to someone under a threat or fear? It might work in the short run, but in the long run there's going to be some heavy duty resentment going on.
My thought is that she needs more time, but it's your call as to how much you can take.
Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Not a lot going on, had a phone call from the wife last night and she started talking about reconciliation and how her last husband and her reconciled after their divorce. Hmmmm, feels like OM is still in the picture. She didn't mention a divorce between us though. She got pissy w/ me about this weekend and my indecisiveness about going out of town although I never really responded to her on this matter, and why would I? She told me last night that she didn't feel guilty anymore either--what do you say to that? --nothing, absolutely nothing. I don't know what to think anymore. Somebody shoot me, please!
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Ok, time for some action. When the wife calls tonight I'm going to ask her again if she's ready to work on our marriage and if not let's get to filing. The heartache is unbearable. I'm not enjoying much of anything because I'm so caught up in wanting the wife to come home.
This is the wrong attitude. A) You aren't enjoying anything. B) The heartache is unbearable, C) It just sounds like "come home or else". Basically, it sounds unattractive.
Take the attitude that you are moving on, and move on, but just don't tell her. Consider yourself divorced for all practical purposes and behave accordingly. Start doing things to relieve this heartache and start enjoying yourself. If she came home now you would just be co-dependent anyway. You are way too desperate. Can you live without her or not? If the answer is that you can, then start showing it. Quit perseverating on the fact that you want a real marriage...there is no hurry for divorce, it's not as though you are looking to remarry in the next month or two.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Not to mention, a circling jesture with the index finger around the ear. You have to know by now that that is CLASSIC PROJECTION. She is just telling you she is not feeling GUILTY because she is. She has some MAJOR SELF ESTEEM issues to WORK through. Remember you only can HELP her if she wants to be HELPED. Sounds like ROCK BOTTOM is on her list of stops. ALL ABOARD!!! Next stop WAW Crazy Town!!!
Why spend so much time worrying about what she's going to do or not do? Why give someone so much control of your life that you put yours on hold waiting for her to make you whole? If things didn't work before, what makes you think by standing in one place, becoming more desperate and co-dependent, that it would be different this time around? Ask yourself, "is this what I want my life to amount to, waiting on a woman to validate that I have worth?" Reconciling is hard no matter what, it will be far harder from a position where you can't seem to function without her. Okay, enough 2x4s from me.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Ok, I needed that, really. You're absolutely right. I haven't taken the attitude that I'm moving on and I need to. Thanks.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Why spend so much time worrying about what she's going to do or not do?
A good question--I guess because I want her back.
Quote:
Why give someone so much control of your life that you put yours on hold waiting for her to make you whole?
Aother good question--I guess because I want her back.
Quote:
Ask yourself, "is this what I want my life to amount to, waiting on a woman to validate that I have worth?"
Wow, I really am co-dependent aren't I? UGH!!!!
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
John, Do you have the strength to move forward? I think you do...can you decide what you must have and what you want to have after this marriage. It is time to cut all communications with her unless you have to discuss your daughter. You can separate the rest using a lawyer...the stress you and your daughter are going through right now are not worth the few dollars you are will save by waiting to see what she will give you uncontested in the divorce.
Go see your lawyer ASAP...you can get off work. Ask for everything and I mean everything. It is better to give a little back later than to have to try to get more. Make sure your lawyer knows everything...the multiple A will not make a difference in the divorce but will make a difference in custody. Make EVERYTHING difficult for her...you are not her buddy...perhaps later. Go for full custody, no overnights for fear of the OMs showing up unannounced, ask for a temporary custody until she has been evaluated. The four affairs, abandonment, missing daughters events, telling both of you lies, etc will not look good to a judge.
Perhaps this will force her to change but with her past behaviour I wonder...her reconciliation with her first husband comment is strange and I wonder what she means by that...he abused and beat her who knows how many times and now they are friends? She is starting to rewrite history on so many levels...I am glad you told your CC so you have someone responsible to protect you. Prepare yourself for her to stop paying what bills she has taken on soon.
