Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Then I think maybe that's how she felt before she left the marriage. She tried for years to get me to see things differently and do things differently...and then finally, since I didn't...she concluded that it wasn't worth it anymore and she left and quit the marriage.

This is an awful way to live. The rejection is devestating.

You got it right! The typical WAW feels like she tried for years and years and felt the rejection and disappointment and lonliness. For YEARS! How long have you felt like this? Yes, it is an awful way to live, but that is how she felt she was living while M to you. Now, you are feeling what she felt and it's eating you alive. Another thing about WAW's is that they emotionally divorce you BEFORE they walk out. She was done a long time before you even had a clue as to what was going on.

I said all that just as a reminder to stop having a pity-party for yourself and stop thinking about "quitting" and giving up! Get off your rear end and go get a life. The more socialable you are and staying busy, the better you will be and will help to keep your mind occupied with other things besides your W.

BTW, I cannot believe how much weight you have lost..... I know.....bad diet, huh? But have you bought some fine new clothes? You HAD to buy new clothes......but were they "cool"? You have to look sharp every where you go b/c it is good for your self esteem.

I want to say something here and I hope you will not see it as me telling you to give up, okay? You need to try to live "as if" she is not coming back to you. Drop the rope, sweetie. That is the only chance you have in her ever having a desire to be near you again. You HAVE made changes, but I think she is preceiving something other than a self-confident man who is sexy, fun, full of life, and loving. I am concerned that she is picking up on the vibes of a man full of self-pity. That turns women off.....real bad. You must do something to get rid of that. First, forgive yourself and then move forward. Trust me when I say from experience that you can just beat yourself up for so long and then you see you are not going to grow or be happy and nothing is going to get better as long as you continue to do that. Okay?? I have read some of your posts to others and it is good. Now, go take your own advice....

Sandi

I know this Sandi. That's just one reason why this is so hard for me...I understand what happened and why. And it was overwhelmingly my fault. I have to live with the fact that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it was my doing. It's hard for me to live with. I see things from her point of view, and it had to be awful for her. I've felt like this since the beginning of last December. I know that she emotionally left before she physically left...I felt it. And I was powerless to do anything about it. Once I did have a clue though, I started making changes in me that I should have done a long time ago, and it didn't matter.

I'm really not having a pity-party Sandi, I'm just truly sad that things are this way. I don't want to lose hope and quit, I just don't want to spin my wheels and have false hope. I don't know why she isn't/hasn't filed yet. Does 'go get a life' include starting to date others? I am staying busier, socially, than I've been during our entire marriage. I'm playing co-ed softball, going out with friends, etc. I truly want my mind to be occupied with anything besides her.

Yeah...bad diet indeed! I wouldn't recommend it to anyone! Yeah...I like Columbia brand clothing, and I went to Bass Pro the other day and spent a wad on some new clothes that fit me. I also had to buy some new scrubs for work that fit me. I feel pretty good when I wear them.

I don't think she is coming back Sandi. It's sad to me for many reasons, especially because, with the changes that I've made, I know that she would have been so happy being with me now. I would have been happier too. Please tell me just what it entails to 'drop the rope'? What can I do to get rid of the 'wrong vibes'? I don't pity myself, I'm just truly and deeply sad because I was such a prick and I messed up so bad with someone who cared about me so much in the past. She put up with more than any 50 women put together would have. I'm 48 years old now Sandi! I think I have forgiven myself...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm sad because I messed up so bad. I want so much to be strong, content, and happy.


ps She looks great, BTW. She's lost a bunch of weight too, she's tanning and exercising, and she's changed her hair color. She seems so strong and confident and happy now. I miss her, and I miss what we could have now that I've made the changes that I have.


thanks Sandi. TTYL.

antlers