I've made my plan to cut off the cell phone on 6/1. I'm still capturing data and that will allow us to get through my daughters graduation without a major distraction. I am thinking through all the different responses that I might get from her and how I should respond with setting boundaries and not allowing the discussion to go a R discussion. I think I'm good and getting better. Hate to say this, but it is actually energizing me.
Question - how should I handle a request to talk about the R if it somes up in the next couple of weeks - before I cut off the cell phone? I realize that I need to set the boundaries (no third party, not moving out, need her commitment), but since she has been lying and tells me that the A is over, do I confront? Or do I let it go and let her continue. Or do I just say NO, not now.
My thinking is that any attempt by W to talk about R should be answered with "here are my boundaries - until you are willing to accept them and show me that you are abiding by them, there is really nothing to talk about".
I would appreciate any feedback and or input. All of you here have helped me soooo much. Thank you.
Good job on talking to your kids, btw -- you handled that really well. They're lucky to have you for their dad.
And yeah, it is kinda energizing/invigorating in a weird sorta way, isn't it? That -- that ability to get into "battle mode" and to even see the game-playing and humor in it all at times -- will help you IMMENSELY as you deal with this in the weeks and months ahead.
To answer your question, this:
Quote:
Question - how should I handle a request to talk about the R if it somes up in the next couple of weeks - before I cut off the cell phone? I realize that I need to set the boundaries (no third party, not moving out, need her commitment), but since she has been lying and tells me that the A is over, do I confront? Or do I let it go and let her continue. Or do I just say NO, not now.
My thinking is that any attempt by W to talk about R should be answered with "here are my boundaries - until you are willing to accept them and show me that you are abiding by them, there is really nothing to talk about".
isn't bad. If it were me, I would call her on any outright lies by saying something like "Look, we both know you're lying right now, so please stop it. It's incredibly disrespectful." And then if she tries R talk, say what I mentioned a couple of times above -- "Until you're ready to end your affair, there's really nothing to talk about, and I'm still deciding what I'm going to do. End your affair, and I think you'll find me ready and willing to discuss any and all issues, including mine."
You've already told her you're not moving out, so no need to bring it up again. In fact, anything major that you've told her ONCE, don't repeat yourself -- you stated your position, now just ACT on it. If she says something like "I can't believe you're not moving out, that's so selfish" or something, just say the ol' "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what I've decided." (notice I'm wanting you to pepper a lot of what you say to her with Gucci's "I have decided _____" approach)
She will recoil at the "A" word -- don't back away from it. It's important to deal truthfully with each other, even if you're the only one doing it. Don't beat her over the head with it, or say it seething or anything -- just when she brings it up, and you should state it civilly and with a firm but loving tone.
