he is back, i think

[mdoodles]

thank you for your advice and taking the time to figure out my husband!

u are right, he was never a good communicator.

i would have no problem going to him on the couch, however, and im being honest, im tired of being the one to do all of the work.

if that is wrong or not, it is how i feel.

im tired of being the cheery one, tired of trying to speak positive about the business, tired of asking how his day was, tired of following his every mood and reaction to events.

im tired.

being tired isnt helping me but right now, it is how i feel.

im sure it is his adjustment period, but im finding his actions are causing a bigger rip between us because i cant sit with a smile on my face and pretend it doesnt bother me.

when he came home last night, i didnt even feel like talking to him. i sat there watching tv with him and i truly had nothing to say.

not good.

i am by no means saying i am going to end my marriage, i dont think i will ever get to that point to make that decision, im just tired and fed up with his behavior.

again, not good and not helping the situation.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But remember the last time you had emailed him and voiced your feelings he came to the bedroom willingly. You did not have say 'lets go make love' but yet that is where it ended. I think you may be surprise to find that he will not reject a beautiful, loving, willing, (and maybe a little bit erotic) wife, if you try to jion him on the couch for a short session of connecting with him. Hopefully connecting with him this way will help him connect to you on the level that you need.

As a man, I can say that if my wife would do this, I would sleep on the couch MUCH less often (maybe never?). This is a great idea.

Puppy

[mdoodles]

thanks puppy.

im not opposed to doing it just in my own rut right now.

sex is not our problem, he knows very well he could have it around the clock with me.

his choosing his couch almost seems to me like he doesnt feel like sex, maybe it is his own adjustment and getting over the affair, i dont know.

im thinking he only came to bed the other night because we hadnt had sex in almost 2 weeks which is rather long for us.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He may be wanting to know you are still interested. Is PT (Physical Touch) his primary love language?

[mdoodles]

maybe u are right. maybe i have to push myself past how im feeling right now if this is ever going to work.

i dont know if its his primary love language. he isnt big on physical affection, but something tells me he expects it from me, even if he doesnt give it to me.

so maybe i have to start it to get him to follow.

it just stinks that i have to do everything. im tired.

[mdoodles]

saw h today at the store, things between us seem ok.

he called to tell me he wouldnt be home for dinner, meeting a friend from where he used to work and would be home after.

i said ok, but it makes me nervous because when he is not home or at the store, im still afraid he is seeing her.

where he is meeting this guy for dinner is near where she is.

i guess this is the point where i have to learn to trust?

[bluerain]

Hi Mdoodles. I like to think that you can work on your M recovering, or you can work exclusively on yourself recovering. Either way you are going to be doing work, and its always going to be hard. No it shouldnt be that way, but sometimes it is.

We are all tired, Can you do something nice for yourself? Get a massage, or a pedicure, or maybe just go for a long walk? This time of year I love to visit the nurseries, the beautiful flowers always lighten my mood.

You are right, at some point you have to stop worrying that he is going to go back to her, however, dont just ignore your feelings, they are valid, and wouldnt exist without good reason. Im not sure how you can overcome that, its something I still struggle with. But you have to focus on your main positive: He has come home. Have you tried going to him on the couch? I know that you are afraid of rejection, but Im sure that you are afraid of a lot of things right now. Dont let fear win.

[mdoodles]

so today h was totally just not nice. not exactly mean, just uncaring and not nice. rather indifferent.

so i called him out on it. i told him i am very upset with the way he has been acting towards me and that perhaps he wasnt even aware of how he was treating me.

when i spoke to him about it, of course he was on the defensive and i heard the words i knew would come - he is upset about me, its the same thing, its nothing new yada yada yada...

uuuhhhh. honestly, i knew it was coming.

he is upset about the store, upset he left a high paying job for the store he wanted and now that it isnt doing what he thought, now that he made the move home, now that he left the ow, its all about me now!!!!!

me. like i was ever the cause of his problems.

i do not even know what to do anymore.

i told him, this is not about me. it was never about me. i was never the cause of his problems. he is.

[mdoodles]

i dont even know what to say or do anymore.

i will not go through this again, and unless my husband gets help, this will be my life, where we are up and down and it always go back to everything being about me.

[vickyd]

Hi mdoodles, I've been MIA but I've gotten caught up on your sitch. First, I'm going to be brutally honest. I feel like you are where I was when H and I got together on a false reconciliation. Reading your sitch I wonder if your H is going through withdrawal or if it is that he is still in contact with OW at times and is still struggling with the ambivalence. My feeling is telling me that its the second option. I remember you said that he said he was still in contact with her, has he proven that he's broken it off? It could be withdrawal that is depressing him but he has to be strong to go through that and not relapse. Whenever my H was involved with OW he would attack me and make me the bad guy and pull away from me. With all that being said, I don't think that its doomed and you need to create havic with him afterall all this is all speculation until you have proof. Just keep it in mind and see what happens.

But with or without knowing what is going on in his head I'm thinking you may need to do some LRT here and some 180s and stop pursuing him. You know how Michele talk about if you're the relationship fixer, you should do a 180 and stop trying to fix it. I think you're tired, and boy do I know that feeling too well, because you have been working hard to fix things and you're getting no where. I advise that you pull back a bit, stop pursuing him, and do some GALing. Is it possible for you to act as if you and H are still S while still in the home. I mean to say, do some things for you. Take the focus off him and onto you. I know this is hard b/c I remember when my H and I lived together, and I was stressed out my mom would give me the same advice as Michele's but I always said that I can't live that way, but I think now its the right way to go. Things won't always be perfect and happy living with your H but it doesn't have to always be perfect. This may be just a season that you have to pass through. Please stay strong and try your best to weather this storm. How you handle this will determine if your H comes through this or leaves again. Another story, remember what Michele said about dealing with a depressed spouse... when one spouse is always upbeat and working to get the other out of depression, the depressed spouse becomes more depressed or stays depressed. She recommended doing nothing or a total 180 not giving into his depression, I think you need something like this here. The more you pursue your H or try to pull him out of his funk the more he will resist. Back off a bit. Make plans without him, he will turn around and pursue you. Not because he's homes means your work is done.

Boy, if my H does come home, please remind me of this advice. I will need it I know for sure. Because it is hard when your in it. But been there before and didn't handle things too well.