So much going on in your thread, Pup. Everyone has their own view. I see it as more complex. Each issue brought up is relevant, but the big picture is complex.
Your W's and your needs are not met. In order to get them met, changes will need to be made. What changes? That's what you and your wife, and any helpful counselors can figure out. Make a plan, TOGETHER, and follow through. If she doesn't follow through, you get to the end of the week, call her on that, figure out why, and go to the next week.
I've heard people mention cognitive behavior therapy on here. I believe, it's basically doing what I mentioned up above with a counselor. If I went back to counseling, that's what I would do. It's action based rather than just dumping all of your problems verbally on the counselor and talking about childhood. I found I got nowhere fast with that approach.
It seems as if writing works for both of you, too. You could dialogue journal with her, like in Retrouvaille, about specific issues as well. She reached out to you in the letter and shared her fears. Maybe if she feels you could understand them...just understand them...that will be half of the issue right there. NOt to mention, she would need to understand YOU as well when she reads what you wrote. Perhaps, just getting down and dirty and assertive sexually would be all it took, but I don't see that as being comfortable to you in all ways. So, there needs to be some talk about it. Maybe the dialoguing wouldn't be helpful for her up front, but maybe it would be for you, and then in the end for her.
Those are just a few ideas. You're like my H and I, though, in that it just seems like a whole lotta work and a whole lotta the same thing, and bottom line you just have to start DOING something. But, unless each of you figure out WHAT do do, you can't start doing it.
As always, trust in God. God hates divorce. Your W is the woman you should be married to. Figure this out. Don't give up.
Gee Kimmie Lee, wish I was perfect like you...or whatever you are implying.
There is always more to the story than what is evident in these posts. All I am trying to do is help Puppy possibly understand his wife. Is there not a way to set aside the judgmental attitude, when we are just here to help?
I've spent numerous hours already posting about how messed up I have been in my past and how I take full blame for that. Do I need to do that here, too, to make sure everyone knows that I am in fact a horrible person?
Sorry - your snarky post really hurt my feelings when I truly do care about Puppy and what he is going through and am only trying to help him to possibly avoid the heartbreak my marriage went through.
And actually, mine WAS a shot gun wedding....so anyway....thanks.
Puppy, I have been reading some of your success, cograds!
I know it's been hard for you to get things where you want and hope you can!
I thought about what I would do if my W was at this point, have you heard of light my fire? Ir's a book about great romantic ideas, it waould really be a suprise for her and maybe get her loosen up ALOT! LOL anyway good luck..
Me 40 waw 39 Never formally M Common law SD 16 SS 13 Together 9 yrs bomb 10/2/08 She started dating 11/08 Started P/A 01/09 Contiunes to call R over
Not sure romance is what is called for -- romance is allowed the wife/mother... That being said, in a quick look at Amazon it looks like the book might have some decent tips.
I post actually because one stood out as something that might help Puppy with his bottomless-pit W... From a review: "Compliment your mate in front of another couple. It has three times the impact this way. "
Seek compassion for others in your own sitch and here. I can hear the hurt and anger in your words. But I don't think that "these women" (not sure if I count as one of these or not in your mind, lol, as I was the LBS and tried to fix my SL, but please do count me among them as I understand and share their pain) feel a "need to cause so much destruction." Rather, they feel a need to have a life that is authentic and happy, rather than living a repressed, partially empty, and painful existence.
I have no idea what your sitch is, but the best chance you have for a good life is to seek compassion and understanding of others' pain that leads them to act poorly. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone hurts other people. Rather than hitting back, can you offer comfort for the pain driving their actions?
Not sure romance is what is called for -- romance is allowed the wife/mother... That being said, in a quick look at Amazon it looks like the book might have some decent tips.
I post actually because one stood out as something that might help Puppy with his bottomless-pit W... From a review: "Compliment your mate in front of another couple. It has three times the impact this way. "
OT,
I agree, and I do this often. Never returned, however, even tho WOAs are my #1/#2 LL.
Hey oldtimer, I got a chuckle from sandi2 - I also had thought you were a dude and had this mental image of you. Why did you pick the "oldtimer" name?
What Sandi, DanceQueen and you are expressing is very interesting and I hope Puppy can draw something from it to help his marriage. Thanks for all the enlightening posts.
