Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

This is the message that I E-mailed back:

"I can understand your disappointment about not being with the kids earlier on
Mother's Day. I'm sure I would have felt the same had the situation been
reversed. Please don't hesitate in the future to ask me to change our
arrangement for special occasions like this. I will always work with you in
good faith. As for Memorial Day, I'm totally fine with you keeping the kids for
the weekend. Sounds like you've made nice plans, I hope you all have a good
time."

I think it was a good response. Thanks futureunknown! I do think I'm detatching some!

[antlers]

Hate to see him go...I was hoping he could stay around longer. At least her texts today didn't contain all capital letters, and there was no cursing.


When she comes to pick up our kids and we are outside playing, she won't even look at me.

Is that what she did? (not look at you) or is that what you anticipate happening?

Get a new cat? Maybe...

Nah...anythime she comes to pick up our kids, if it's still light outside we are usually playing outside. She never looks at me...happens every time.

I know this sounds hokey but, can you even envision it going differently? I mean I know she's predictable and you don't want to have expectations but I'm a big believer in visualizing things going differently. I mean it is hard to get there if you can't even imagine it...

Yeah, I can envision it going differently. But right now the reality is what it is...and it sucks. Living this way sucks too!

[antlers]

This is a hard way to live. Nothing happens. Limbo. All of the negative emotions continue though...like pain, disappointment, remorse, etc.. I often feel like I'm spinning my wheels, even though I'm working on me. I've lost 85 pounds, I'm doing better with the kids, I exercise regularly, I'm getting out some, I'm learning, etc..

It would be easy just to quit. Just give up. And move on. But I still believe it's worth the effort. Am I wrong? She has quit the marriage. Why do I remain hopeful and committed?

After she made her decision to leave, I begged and pleaded and argued the case with her that our marriage was worth it and tried to get her to reconsider. It continued downhill. Things are so bad...it would be easy to give up.

Then I think maybe that's how she felt before she left the marriage. She tried for years to get me to see things differently and do things differently...and then finally, since I didn't...she concluded that it wasn't worth it anymore and she left and quit the marriage.

This is an awful way to live. The rejection is devestating.

Sometimes I wonder if continuing with this is the right thing to do. We loved each other enough that we committed to spending our lives together.

Now that's changed. Am I being smart and strong by doing what I'm doing...instead of just quitting? Is it worth the effort?

I still feel like it is. Am I wrong?


I'm lonesome.

[antlers]

This is the message that I E-mailed back:

"I can understand your disappointment about not being with the kids earlier on
Mother's Day. I'm sure I would have felt the same had the situation been
reversed. Please don't hesitate in the future to ask me to change our
arrangement for special occasions like this. I will always work with you in
good faith. As for Memorial Day, I'm totally fine with you keeping the kids for
the weekend. Sounds like you've made nice plans, I hope you all have a good
time."

I think it was a good response. Thanks futureunknown! I do think I'm detatching some!

This is the E-mail that she sent back to me afterwards:

"Thank you. Here is the kid's schedule for this week (you may already know)...

Monday--D/12 piano 5:30 (this is b/c Thursday is their recital)
Tuesday--S/11 5th grade Recognition 6:30--School Gym
Thursday--D/12 piano recital 5:30--School Music Center choir room

Of course, swimming is everyday, but she'll just be able to go Wed and Fri.

If anything else comes up, I'll let you know."



Again, at least there was no cursing or capital letters and exclamation points!

[Coach]

This is a hard way to live. Nothing happens.

A lot is happening just hard to see from your perspective.

I'm working on me. I've lost 85 pounds, I'm doing better with the kids, I exercise regularly, I'm getting out some, I'm learning, etc..

See a lot is happening and it's being noticed, have some faith in your efforts.

Why do I remain hopeful and committed?

I'll guess at this: you love your W, you love your family, your vows mean something to you, you "see" your shortcomings in your sitch, you are not a quitter, you believe it can be worked out, and you are smart enough to see thru the problems.

Then I think maybe that's how she felt before she left the marriage. She tried for years to get me to see things differently and do things differently...and then finally, since I didn't...she concluded that it wasn't worth it anymore and she left and quit the marriage.

This is an awful way to live. The rejection is devestating.

She is rejecting your bad behavior not you as a person. Change the behavior because you see the benefit for yourself. Then it becomes a win-win situation.

Am I being smart and strong by doing what I'm doing...instead of just quitting? Is it worth the effort?

I still feel like it is. Am I wrong?

You answered your own question.

I'm lonesome.

That's where the GAL comes in. Stay busy with healthy activities. My dog was a godsend for me. Make a list of what you are grateful for,help someone else out, go to church and get involved, post/vent here, exercise and take care of yourself.
You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

[sandi2]

Then I think maybe that's how she felt before she left the marriage. She tried for years to get me to see things differently and do things differently...and then finally, since I didn't...she concluded that it wasn't worth it anymore and she left and quit the marriage.

This is an awful way to live. The rejection is devestating.

You got it right! The typical WAW feels like she tried for years and years and felt the rejection and disappointment and lonliness. For YEARS! How long have you felt like this? Yes, it is an awful way to live, but that is how she felt she was living while M to you. Now, you are feeling what she felt and it's eating you alive. Another thing about WAW's is that they emotionally divorce you BEFORE they walk out. She was done a long time before you even had a clue as to what was going on.

I said all that just as a reminder to stop having a pity-party for yourself and stop thinking about "quitting" and giving up! Get off your rear end and go get a life. The more socialable you are and staying busy, the better you will be and will help to keep your mind occupied with other things besides your W.

BTW, I cannot believe how much weight you have lost..... I know.....bad diet, huh? But have you bought some fine new clothes? You HAD to buy new clothes......but were they "cool"? You have to look sharp every where you go b/c it is good for your self esteem.

I want to say something here and I hope you will not see it as me telling you to give up, okay? You need to try to live "as if" she is not coming back to you. Drop the rope, sweetie. That is the only chance you have in her ever having a desire to be near you again. You HAVE made changes, but I think she is preceiving something other than a self-confident man who is sexy, fun, full of life, and loving. I am concerned that she is picking up on the vibes of a man full of self-pity. That turns women off.....real bad. You must do something to get rid of that. First, forgive yourself and then move forward. Trust me when I say from experience that you can just beat yourself up for so long and then you see you are not going to grow or be happy and nothing is going to get better as long as you continue to do that. Okay?? I have read some of your posts to others and it is good. Now, go take your own advice....

Sandi

[antlers]

This is a hard way to live. Nothing happens.

A lot is happening just hard to see from your perspective.

I'm working on me. I've lost 85 pounds, I'm doing better with the kids, I exercise regularly, I'm getting out some, I'm learning, etc..

See a lot is happening and it's being noticed, have some faith in your efforts.

Why do I remain hopeful and committed?

I'll guess at this: you love your W, you love your family, your vows mean something to you, you "see" your shortcomings in your sitch, you are not a quitter, you believe it can be worked out, and you are smart enough to see thru the problems.

Then I think maybe that's how she felt before she left the marriage. She tried for years to get me to see things differently and do things differently...and then finally, since I didn't...she concluded that it wasn't worth it anymore and she left and quit the marriage.

This is an awful way to live. The rejection is devestating.

She is rejecting your bad behavior not you as a person. Change the behavior because you see the benefit for yourself. Then it becomes a win-win situation.

Am I being smart and strong by doing what I'm doing...instead of just quitting? Is it worth the effort?

I still feel like it is. Am I wrong?

You answered your own question.

I'm lonesome.

That's where the GAL comes in. Stay busy with healthy activities. My dog was a godsend for me. Make a list of what you are grateful for,help someone else out, go to church and get involved, post/vent here, exercise and take care of yourself.
You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

Yeah, it's hard to see that anything is happening. Maybe it's just my perspective like you say...but we NEVER see or have anything to do with each other. How can I 'bust' a divorce when things are this way?

Yeah, but who is it being noticed by? I have made some progress...and I have some faith in my efforts...but I want to 'bust' a divorce here. Seems like nothing is happening on that front Coach! We NEVER see or have anything to do with each other!

You're right. I do love my wife, I do love my family, and my vows do mean something to me, and I've certainly seen my shortcomings in our marriage, I'm don't want to quit on this, and I want to be smart enough to see through the problems. I just wonder sometimes if it's hopeless, and wasted effort at this point!

Either way, the rejection is a killer. I have changed the behavior, I started doing it before she left, and it didn't matter. Doesn't seem to matter now either, at least to her.

I am the only one putting forth any effort towards the relationship. It's a lonely feeling. Hard to imagine that anything good will come out of all this, as far as the marriage is concerned.

I'm working at GAL, I'm staying as busy as I can with activities, we've got a new kitten, I did over 65 miles on my bicycle in the last 2 days, and I'm sleeping better. It's hard to make that list right now Coach.


ps She's exercising too, she's lost a bunch of weight, she's tanning, and she's changed her hair color...she looks great. What's the motivation for this? Is it justifying her actions...does she have to prove to herself and others that she is happier and better off now?

[SmileysPerson]

Yeah, it's hard to see that anything is happening.

Reminds me of the parable of the elephant and the blind men.

I just wonder sometimes if it's hopeless, and wasted effort at this point!

You need to take it to streets for a weekend like I did. Has a remarkably refreshing effect on the old rusty brain-pan.

I'll ask you a question I asked myself: From your POV, for your well-being, are the changes worth it?

If yes, then it ain't wasted effort.

[antlers]

Then I think maybe that's how she felt before she left the marriage. She tried for years to get me to see things differently and do things differently...and then finally, since I didn't...she concluded that it wasn't worth it anymore and she left and quit the marriage.

This is an awful way to live. The rejection is devestating.

You got it right! The typical WAW feels like she tried for years and years and felt the rejection and disappointment and lonliness. For YEARS! How long have you felt like this? Yes, it is an awful way to live, but that is how she felt she was living while M to you. Now, you are feeling what she felt and it's eating you alive. Another thing about WAW's is that they emotionally divorce you BEFORE they walk out. She was done a long time before you even had a clue as to what was going on.

I said all that just as a reminder to stop having a pity-party for yourself and stop thinking about "quitting" and giving up! Get off your rear end and go get a life. The more socialable you are and staying busy, the better you will be and will help to keep your mind occupied with other things besides your W.

BTW, I cannot believe how much weight you have lost..... I know.....bad diet, huh? But have you bought some fine new clothes? You HAD to buy new clothes......but were they "cool"? You have to look sharp every where you go b/c it is good for your self esteem.

I want to say something here and I hope you will not see it as me telling you to give up, okay? You need to try to live "as if" she is not coming back to you. Drop the rope, sweetie. That is the only chance you have in her ever having a desire to be near you again. You HAVE made changes, but I think she is preceiving something other than a self-confident man who is sexy, fun, full of life, and loving. I am concerned that she is picking up on the vibes of a man full of self-pity. That turns women off.....real bad. You must do something to get rid of that. First, forgive yourself and then move forward. Trust me when I say from experience that you can just beat yourself up for so long and then you see you are not going to grow or be happy and nothing is going to get better as long as you continue to do that. Okay?? I have read some of your posts to others and it is good. Now, go take your own advice....

Sandi

I know this Sandi. That's just one reason why this is so hard for me...I understand what happened and why. And it was overwhelmingly my fault. I have to live with the fact that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it was my doing. It's hard for me to live with. I see things from her point of view, and it had to be awful for her. I've felt like this since the beginning of last December. I know that she emotionally left before she physically left...I felt it. And I was powerless to do anything about it. Once I did have a clue though, I started making changes in me that I should have done a long time ago, and it didn't matter.

I'm really not having a pity-party Sandi, I'm just truly sad that things are this way. I don't want to lose hope and quit, I just don't want to spin my wheels and have false hope. I don't know why she isn't/hasn't filed yet. Does 'go get a life' include starting to date others? I am staying busier, socially, than I've been during our entire marriage. I'm playing co-ed softball, going out with friends, etc. I truly want my mind to be occupied with anything besides her.

Yeah...bad diet indeed! I wouldn't recommend it to anyone! Yeah...I like Columbia brand clothing, and I went to Bass Pro the other day and spent a wad on some new clothes that fit me. I also had to buy some new scrubs for work that fit me. I feel pretty good when I wear them.

I don't think she is coming back Sandi. It's sad to me for many reasons, especially because, with the changes that I've made, I know that she would have been so happy being with me now. I would have been happier too. Please tell me just what it entails to 'drop the rope'? What can I do to get rid of the 'wrong vibes'? I don't pity myself, I'm just truly and deeply sad because I was such a prick and I messed up so bad with someone who cared about me so much in the past. She put up with more than any 50 women put together would have. I'm 48 years old now Sandi! I think I have forgiven myself...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm sad because I messed up so bad. I want so much to be strong, content, and happy.


ps She looks great, BTW. She's lost a bunch of weight too, she's tanning and exercising, and she's changed her hair color. She seems so strong and confident and happy now. I miss her, and I miss what we could have now that I've made the changes that I have.


thanks Sandi. TTYL.

antlers

[antlers]

Yeah, it's hard to see that anything is happening.

Reminds me of the parable of the elephant and the blind men.

I just wonder sometimes if it's hopeless, and wasted effort at this point!

You need to take it to streets for a weekend like I did. Has a remarkably refreshing effect on the old rusty brain-pan.

I'll ask you a question I asked myself: From your POV, for your well-being, are the changes worth it?

If yes, then it ain't wasted effort.

Tell me Smiley, about this parable?

Maybe. Trying to put together a big vacation for the kids and I next month right now.

From my point of view, the changes that I've made and continue to make were absolutely necessary for my well-being...regardless of anything else. But, I'm trying to bust a divorce here too, and hopefully save our marriage. Nothings happening on that front...nothing good anyway!