WAW1 - Anticipation

[PositivelyMommy]

Mark, I told you before remember? She will always see what else is lacking. Remember, I told you that? I said, don't worry about it, keep on keeping on. You are doing much much better than before. Be your own cheerleader!

I am the same way with my H, I see what he is lacking in his pareting and he is NOWHERE, I mean NOWHERE near as good as you. But HE thinks he's the cat's meow as a dad now. Do I contradict him? Nope! I applaud him because if I applaud him the he will keep trying. If I nag him, he will give up. That is human nature. But I do see all the gaps and holes in his parenting. Why? Because I am an EXPERT on my kids. Now, your W also thinks she is an EXPERT on your kids. You have to give her that, she has been doing the majority of the parenting for years now.

So, of course she will see what you are not doing.

Now add to the mix that she thinks you are not giving her enough space to pursue her own life and you have an explosive mix.

In her mind, you are WAY BEHIND in your parenting hours. Maybe she has put in 10,000 pareting hours and you have put in 500. You see, that may be how she sees it. So she may think you OWE her some time. Especially since she sees that 'you have nothing else better to do.' She works and takes care of the kids. She sees you relaxing, having a good time with the kids, no job, no responsibilities. And NOW, maybe even a new relationship, MORE FUN.

She is pissed. So here we are. This is all assumption, mind you, not based on your W, just my imagination.

So if you proclaim that you are a good dad, then you won't win the argument. Don't even go there. Just do the best you can, know that you are improving everyday, enjoying your children. Don't let her negative comments get you down.

She needs to deal with her own biases and issues on her own. She is probably jealous of your 'freedom', warped thinking. Don't worry so much about her.

[JKL2009]

PM, what a great post. That helped me a lot too.

[markhaving probs]

Thanks PM,

I think I just need reminding sometimes.

I think you are spot on with your views on how she feels, this is why it is so important to get a womans standpoint. She probably is pissed off because of what she sees as an awakening, moving on etc, and it is the first time I have seen or heard any reaction from her since the bomb dropped. Whether it means anything, who knows, but the big thing for me is the enjoyment I am having with my children.

I must admit, I do not/have not at any stage tried to see or tell her what I have done for the children unless she asks. I am not looking for a proclamation or a pat on the back from her as it looks as though I am trying too hard to be a good dad and that is not want I am trying to do. As you have said, try and be the best dad you can, and I hope I am starting to do that.

By the way, I have taken your advice on voluntary work and I have offered to become the school Treasurer at my daughters school and where my son will go in the summer. I have also offered my services at the PTA meetings which I have been invited to. It might sound daft but I am feeling a tad better in being able to put something back, particularly as my childrens school.

[PositivelyMommy]

Mark, what great news!! I am so happy for you! Volunteering for the school is a noble act! You are noble! Not only that though, your kids will see your volunteering and you can talk about it with them. Teach them life lessons, the value of helping out the community and the children and the school. They will respect you! I am so happy, I can almost cry!

Also at the school, I bet you will meet a lot of people and you will get the opportunity to talk about your skills and the fact that you are looking for interesting work. I tell you, people will keep information like that in the back of their mind. But make friends for real, not just to help you out. Have genuine interest in the community and help out from your heart, the real rewards will be the friendships you build.

You are doing so well for yourself, growing everyday. You are very impressive. Keep up the good work!

[PositivelyMommy]

Glad I can help and give a Mom's POV.

[markhaving probs]

Thank you PM,

You give great advice and support, you're an absolute treasure.

All my best,

Mark x

[markhaving probs]

I am feeling very low again this morning. I am taking my anti-depressants, I am praying, I am going into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I have been referred to a physiotrist by my doctor. My body seems to ache all over for no apparant reason.

As hard as I am trying do all the things for me and my children I just cannot get my wife, the children, the current and future situations out of my head. I cannot open any mail for fear it might be a bill or bad news, I am curling up into a ball under a duvet a bit more often which is worrying. There is no full time job on the horizon, but if I do get a job I don't want to leave the house, in fact I do not know where I belong. I do not really want to do anything. I am very confused.

I do not have any family to talk to as my family caused some of our problems so I do not talk to them, my parents-in-law for some reason have completely dis-owned me so I do not have anybody I can turn to.

My wife told me on Monday that our S7 has become very 'clingy' in a very matter of fact way. It is as though she can see he is hurting but she is so wrapped in her own little world it appears she does not care.

There are going to be alot more lows to come - my family going on holiday, the divorce, other things I cannot imagine at the moment. At this moment I feel I am really going to struggle mentally. I am frightened for me, my children and for the future. My wife seems to be moving along all jolly and things falling into place for her, and yet I am a complete wreck, though she has no idea about any of my condition, the therapy or how I feel.

I feel worse now than I did 5 months ago, I think I am still in shock and I do not know what to do.

[JCJ]

(((Mark))))

At the moment, what you are doing is right. I know you feel like it isn't helping but just remember that this stuff takes a long time... Get out of the house today and do something. Control the things that you can control and accept the things you aren't.

Make a list of things that help you feel better and start doing them. You can do this.

I'm away for a while now. I'll check back in a week.

Take care.

[markhaving probs]

Thanks Julia,

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Mark,

There will be high days, there will be low days. That's for certain. No need to beat yourself up. Rest assured that the lows will pass, the highs will pass. The only constant is change- that is also true.

I know how you feel, I am very anxious as well about my future and telling the kids about my M. I went to see a school counsellor today to get some help with what to tell the kids. It was a very emotional convo, I cried a lot but it made me feel a whole lot better because it brought me help and I felt like I was not alone.

Mark, the no-job sitch is not forever. The lows will pass. What I found was that if I let things ruminate in my head, my depression would get worse. So you need to do an activity that takes your mind off it for awhile, like going to gym - endorphin high and also good to get out of the house.

So don't ruminate. Break the day up. Make sure you HAVE to be somewhere, meet a buddy or something to take you out of the low mood if possible.

I know depression is very tough especially during the first few months. But I promise you, each time you go through it, it will last a shorter time. Then after awhile, you will just get down for a few minutes and then you will find a way to pull yourself out of it. The key is to keep busy and positive.

Think about what you have done that is positive. You have improved your R with kids, you are starting or have started volunteering which benefits SO MANY people. You have doctors to help you and counsellors who care about you and you have this board of folks who check in on your everyday because we all care about you. You didn't have all of this when the bomb hit in December. You see how far you have come?

Mark, hang in there, we are all cheering you on!