WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

That's why I'm trying to get refocused, with help from the people her, on making me the best CIPA I can be.

Even when you are talking about yourself you make it about her. GEEEEZZZSSSSHHH!

Opps, good thing you caught it while I could still edit the post! Thanks!

[MrBond]

You've taken some really great steps on your end. Now it's up to her. Like you, I wish I could peel open my W's head and figure her out, but unfortunately we can't.

Your W has been contradicting herself since Day 1 about how you're the one that has hurt her, she can't get over the hurt, etc. Yet she calls you all the time. Let her turn that "hurt" focus on herself and give her time and space.

That's why it really is patience...patience...patience.

[confusedinpa]

You've taken some really great steps on your end. Now it's up to her. Like you, I wish I could peel open my W's head and figure her out, but unfortunately we can't.

Your W has been contradicting herself since Day 1 about how you're the one that has hurt her, she can't get over the hurt, etc. Yet she calls you all the time. Let her turn that "hurt" focus on herself and give her time and space.

That's why it really is patience...patience...patience.

There is a WAW at work who has very similar complaints with the husband that she left back in Dec. I've been talking to her to try and understand what could be going through my wife's head. Even she can't understand it as she says my wife is sending many mixed messages and seems very confused.

I had told her that I was originally going to wait a couple of weeks before I asked my wife for some one on one time. She laughed and said that it took her almost 4 months before she got settled after she moved out. I told her that I wasn't going to wait that long, so I said I would extend an open invitation for lunch after 4 weeks.

I've been trying to give my wife time and space by not calling her nor initiating contact. I don't want her to feel like I'm ignoring/neglecting her by not responding - I think that's what my wife was trying to say a couple of weeks ago where she thought I was cold. That's where I made the mistake of extending Dark/Dim to when I was with her as well.

Fortunately the folks here straightened it out for me.

You are right though, since she moved out, there has only been one or 2 days where my wife didn't contact me via text/email/call.

I am trying to be patient, but I get anxious when my kids get upset. I know I need to be strong for them.

[confusedinpa]

Well she called for me to say goodnite to the boys. After I chatted with them for a bit, she got on the phone. I just said have a goodnite and hung up.

She called back a few minutes later with a couple of tactical stuff and I just said good nite again.

She then called me about an hour later with another tactical issue but this time before I could say good nite and hang up she started crying. She said that she's been so sad today because of this entire situation. I tried to be compassionate but did a pretty poor job at that as I think I sounded more empathetic. I told her that I know how painful it must have been when she felt neglected and how we are both hurt by the current circumstance.

She continued to cry about how she just felt so cheated during all those years and she didn't know what to do. I said that I see how she felt hurt and see what are the things that made her feel neglected. I understand these things now as I'm continuing to work on me for myself and the boys while she's taking the time and space to heal. And will continue to do that regardless whether we stay together or not.

She just continued to cry and sob uncontrollably while we were on the phone.

I said we still have a lot of years ahead of us and we won't know unless we try. She said that we had been. I told her that I was a fool in the past where I didn't understand what the problem was that we were suppose to be working on. It's a shame that it took something like this for her to communicate what the problem was. Regardless of that, I understand it now. I told her that I'm doing all that I can do right now and don't know what else to do. I told her that if there was anything that she could think of that I could help her heal, that she can/should tell me.

I told her that she always had my heart and know that she felt that she didn't have my attention. But she has my full undivided attention now. I told her that I'm doing that not because I think that's what she wants, but it's because its what I want.

We spent a few moments not saying anything as she continued to cry. I told her that I know she has been tired lately and it's getting late so I should let her go to bed. She agreed. I said we can always talk tomorrow and goodnite.

I'm sure I'll get it from all the folks here that I didn't handle it the DB/DR way, but I was really caught off guard. It's been a very tough day. Between my 3 year old calling me early this morning saying he wanted to come home and wanted mommy to come home as well and then my 7 year old saying that he was sad that he can't come home yet and mommy isn't coming home, it has been very emotional.

So, what would have been the DB/DR way to handle the call? Or what should I have done differently?

[The Wifey]

You did fine. There is no one script that is exactly right. You validated her feelings. It isn't necessary to go cold fish and show no emotions of your own.

[MrBond]

You handled it quite well. In fact, it turned out great. Do you see what happened when you pulled away even a little? She kept pursuing you. That's exactly what you want.

Maybe when she said...
"She continued to cry about how she just felt so cheated during all those years and she didn't know what to do."
You should have mentioned the C and how for you it had given you clarity. Just to give it a little push.

Trust me, she's feeling alot of pressure right now from all sides. She also knows that she can't blame you for anything because you aren't there anymore. Now is when the hard part for her comes up.

You did great in validating her feelings, explaining how you were now and how things could be. She has to go the rest of the way.

[confusedinpa]

Wow I really expected 2x4's to be coming out flying. I just didn't know how to handle the call. It really hurt my heart to hear her crying and hurt so badly. I guess I do still love her.

Wifey - thanks for the feedback and encouragement. I see from your sig about your situation that you have been through a lot of drama as well. Hope things are going better for you.

Stuck - that's a good point of mentioning counseling. I did say that if she needed me to watch the kids so she could go to see a therapist/counseling, I would be willing to do that. I didn't really push it as I didn't want to make her think I was putting it all on her now (which in reality I am)

I do agree that she's feeling pressure from the kids. She had actually tried to call me a few times in the afternoon but I didn't answer it. She did finally leave a voice mail asking if I talked to a lawyer about the child support issue. It didn't come up in tonite's call.

Very confusing. I'm not going to be too hopeful on this as she has had such radical swings that I'm sure she will be pulling back after tonite's call....

Thanks for checking in on my thread.

[The Wifey]

Pull-backs usually follow any glimpses of emotion. I don't agree that it would have been right to mention the C the moment she just opened up to you. That would not have ended well. Maybe next conversation?

Do not bring up her crying or what she said. If there will be more discussion at all, let her bring it up. Validate, validate, validate. If you want to mention the C, plan very carefully how you can do that.

[confusedinpa]

She sent me a text shortly afterwards about something tactical. I didn't notice it for about 30 minutes and just replied

Me: OK, thanks for letting me know. Have a goodnite

Her: I will try but its not looking good

Me: Did you want to talk again?

Her: I don't know what to say

Me: I understand. If you can't sleep and want to talk, please don't hesitate

Her: All I can do now is sob... I don't think I can even speak

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. I am here for you if you need me. I really wish I could be there now to give you a hug

Her: Me too sort of

Me: I understand. This is a very hard time for us

And that's were the text "conversation" ended - for now....

[confusedinpa]

There was no additional activity after my last text of "I understand. This is a very hard time for us"

I hurt me a little where she responded Me too sort of, but I guess that is the reality. She's still hurt and is afraid to trust me with her heart again. I know I need to be careful not to move too fast nor pressure her.

I want to call her this morning to see how she is doing, but figure that could be too much pressure.

Last nite she did say that she wanted to do dinner together again at the park before my 3 year old has baseball. We didn't work out the details, but just said that we could talk about it tomorrow.

I want to talk to her about the relationship, but know that action speak louder than words. Problem is that I don't want my actions to put too much pressure on her.

It seems like a pivotal point where too much pressure will push her away vs. not enough from me could cause her to think I haven't changed.

Any insight will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks