WAW1 - Anticipation

[markhaving probs]

I am feeling very low again this morning. I am taking my anti-depressants, I am praying, I am going into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I have been referred to a physiotrist by my doctor. My body seems to ache all over for no apparant reason.

As hard as I am trying do all the things for me and my children I just cannot get my wife, the children, the current and future situations out of my head. I cannot open any mail for fear it might be a bill or bad news, I am curling up into a ball under a duvet a bit more often which is worrying. There is no full time job on the horizon, but if I do get a job I don't want to leave the house, in fact I do not know where I belong. I do not really want to do anything. I am very confused.

I do not have any family to talk to as my family caused some of our problems so I do not talk to them, my parents-in-law for some reason have completely dis-owned me so I do not have anybody I can turn to.

My wife told me on Monday that our S7 has become very 'clingy' in a very matter of fact way. It is as though she can see he is hurting but she is so wrapped in her own little world it appears she does not care.

There are going to be alot more lows to come - my family going on holiday, the divorce, other things I cannot imagine at the moment. At this moment I feel I am really going to struggle mentally. I am frightened for me, my children and for the future. My wife seems to be moving along all jolly and things falling into place for her, and yet I am a complete wreck, though she has no idea about any of my condition, the therapy or how I feel.

I feel worse now than I did 5 months ago, I think I am still in shock and I do not know what to do.